Tuesday, December 25, 2012

trying so hard

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope your's is turning out better than mine. A new year is coming soon but I'm not ready for it. It's so hard to let go and move on from all that happened this year. 2012 held some of the happiest times of my life and some of the worst. It hurts so much; if I didn't have so much to do and so many books to read I'd just lie in bed all day and disappear piece by piece.


But sometimes I long for the eternal sunshine.

Monday, December 24, 2012


"Belief isn't simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief - what is faith - if you don't continue in it after failure?"
- Mistborn trilogy


Stories are an amazing thing. Fantasy stories, especially. I've been reading every chance I got this past week ever since I went to the library on last Sunday (finally!). Quick recap before I end up in one of those pointless moods!

17 dec: Went for a HC training but mostly stood around collecting mud. It's embarrasing how I've forgotten how to play zone offence hahas. Open House meeting at Angsana in the evening, slept over. KFC dinner, yumz.

18 dec: Dragged myself up really really early in the morning to go to ACRES, was so envious of Sh and CC who were happily snoozing away hahas. Helped out for a full day shift although I had intended to leave after the morning shift, I guess it's not like I had anything else to do :/ Went back to Angsana to pick up my stuff before going home, sis bought Macs dinner for us (I see a really bad trend starting)

19 dec: Hardcore reading day hahas

20 dec: Volunteered for NUS CSC's christmas event at a hospice, it was eye-opening and fun. The horse betting game brought back memories :/ Went to town, had Carl's Junior for dinner (and the trend continues!), watched Life of Pi. Conquered... something that day. Let's just say I made myself do something I've always wanted to be capable of doing but was too afraid to; I hope that mean's I'm moving forward.

21 dec: Watched Rise of the Guardians with J at Tampines, we were both late and missed the first 30 minutes of the movie hahaha. It was a nice heart-warming movie, and Jack Frost made excellent eye candy hahas. Such big eyes and those shaggy bangs of his... *fangirls* hahaha. Went back home and Jo tried to take photos of the dogs; there's this really cute one of Amber, will upload my favourites after I've sorted through them. Oh and sis got a bunny! It's so cute *aww*

22 dec: Indoor Christmas Hat at HC, woke up with a terrible headache (perhaps I shouldn't have read so much the day before, oops) and almost didn't go for Hat. Going back to HC was harder than I'd thought it would be but Hat was still awesome fun; had Macs lunch with the rest of the 4th batch who went. Wanted to crash when I got home but I started reading and just couldn't stop.

23 dec: Mum literally had to drag me out of bed this morning. Visited grandma, haven't been going much since I spent quite a number of weekends at Angsana or just staying at home. Spent even more time reading hahas, I'm on the 3rd book in the Mistborn trilogy and it's amazing. I'm probably going to stay up late reading it again even though I have to be up early to go to Angsana.

About reading... it's good. It's a really effective distraction that occupies any spare time I have. It stops my mind from wandering into places better left forgotten and gives me something to do instead of lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep.

As a side thought, I've recently changed in more ways that I initially realised and I can't say it's all for the better. Trust plays a big part in the story in the Mistborn trilogy. Coincidentally, it also happens to be something I've been thinking about. Life's full of lessons and I guess I've gotten mine on trust.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Just realised my first post was when finals started hahas. I'm just glad they're over, not much to say about them. As for the holiday break... it's is turning out to be more packed than I expected; it's a pleasant surprise.

3 dec: Finished my last paper. Actually, "finished" is misleading, more like I flipped frantically between pages trying to find something I knew how to do but I ended up leaving lots and lots of blanks. Urgh, bad memory. I was just relieved finals were over. Played my first game of Citadels that night, pretty cool and I kinda like it.

4 dec: Spent most of the day packing up my room and parents came over at night to have dinner with me. We then moved most of my junk in my Angsana room home. I'm not sure how I managed to fit so much into that small room, but next sem I'm definitely going to bring less over.

5 dec: Went back to Angsana in the afternoon for my room inspection and Welogs meeting in the evening. Can't remember what we did at night but we were up late... doing something.

6 dec: Went swimming at QW's place with her and dawn! Super duper fun, especially since we did more chatting than swimming hahas. We went to town after that and wandered around; ate ice cream and bought new books to read hahas! Bought a large packet of Garretts too for our movie night; we watched "Three Idiots" hahahaha. Such a good movie ^^

7 dec: Catch up on sleep day? I can't remember what happened again :/ (OH I REMEMBER NOW! It was Black neighbourhood's BBQ dinner day. We surprised J, JY and CC for their birthday too, gave them their birthday wishes in a jar each with folded stars and Hersheys kisses inside. Got them a piñata too to destroy, JY's turn was epic. He broke the stick we used to hold the piñata hahaha. After that he used said broken stick to maim the poor gingerbread man piñata hahas)

8 dec: Angsana's Inter-neighbourhood games! Played Ultimate (we got 2nd, may have been a little too relaxed playing it hahas) and Captain's Ball (got 3rd I think), had lots of fun and got to watch other people play their sports too. Floorball was really scary and intense! Went to Clementi to have a Black neighbourhood dinner then a bunch of us went to the arcade (Super fun!). Had a semi-HTHT when we got back to Angsana.

9 dec: Packed up the rest of my stuff and checked out of Angsana! Parents came over to have dinner again to help me clear my dinner credits and move stuff home.

10 dec: Ran errands, went to get new spectacles made... sounds about it hahas

11 dec: ... can't recall anything at all hahas

12 dec: Carried the huge box of jo's and her friends' threadless stuff + elsa's stuff to Angsana, my arms were burning T^T Did some sourcing for Open House and then went off to NUS Law campus for a night scrim! I was kinda bummed about missing the OG outing but oh wells, playing ultimate is always fun. It was raining and the fields were super muddy, raced back to Angsana after the scrim for an online meeting at 11.30pm. Was a little late and google hangout was being weird; had BestFriesForever for a late dinner (yumz!) during the meeting hahas. Washing up my muddy jersey and cleats was a pain, ended up crawling into a cradle (two long sofas pushed together to form a little bed-like thing hahas) in the lounge around 3am. Slept at maybe 6am? Too occupied with  thoughts and random talking :/

13 dec: Overslepttttt (sorry Jo ><) and woke up around 1pm, passed Joey her stuff. Collapsed back into cradle in the lounge and bummed about. It was a lazy day (i.e. rainy), just didn't feel like getting up at all hahas. Eventually dragged myself out to have lunch and head down to the Angsana management office to find out some stuff for Open House, got the floor plan for the hall and flying seed and realised I don't quite know how to read it hahaha. Went home for dinner and finished rereading Wise Man's Fear after 5 days of obsessing with it hahas. Needless to say, it was awesome. Can't wait for the next book to come out :]

14 + 15 dec: Woke up sometime in the afternoon, did more sourcing for Open House before heading off to NUS for Disc to Dawn. Started first game around 8+ / 9pm, played all the way till the finals at 5am. It's not quite possible to explain how I managed to stay awake all the way but it was awesome. Played handler for all the games; I think I'm no longer nervous about it (either that or I was just too sleepy and tired hahas). Dex, CK and Sam made some freaking amazing catches, Siu did a crazy layout and got a full applause from everyone hahaha. Finished 2nd and it stings a little to have lost on the universal but oh wells, I think I learnt a lot that day strangely. Siu and I trudged back to Angsana to shower and clean up; we spent more than an hour just scrubbing mud off ourselves hahas. Took a long bus ride home and slept through most of it, when I got home at 10+am my auntie freaked out at the amount of mud on my jersey and shorts hahahaha. Sleptttttt.

15 dec continued: Woke up around 2+pm and realised I was going to be late. Rushed to town, WY found out Rise of the Guardians was sold out (we both missed the OG outing when they watched it) so we watched Hotel Transylvania instead. It was quite a hilarious movie, the kind you watch to brighten up your day or wake yourself up when you've only had 3 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours hahas. We met B at dhoby where we wandered around Cathay, wrote on one of those white floating balls for New Year's Eve Countdown. That was a funny moment hahaha, someone had written "get over the b..." and I added "me too" and B added "all the best" hahahaha. Went over to Timbre Substation to find out they had an event going on so rerouted to Switch instead. Ordered the usual duck pizza and the salmon pizza too hahas, yumz good food. WY and B got their drinks and after my tummy was nicely full after I let them order one for me since Timbre's rule was everyone has to order at least one drink and I don't drink enough to have a preference. CC came along soon enough and S arrived later on. Got more food food, (fries, buffalo wings and a duck and green curry halfandhalf pizza. Talked for really long before the live band started and all the Chinese songs came out. B and I were a little lost while the other 3 happily sang along. Eventually left and ended up walking to the helix bridge, didn't cross it but went back to City Hall via marina square when we realised how late it was. Caught a pretty late train and got back just before midnight. Mum thankfully forgot to chase me home earlier hahahaha. Slept.

16 dec / today: More sleeping hahahas. Woke up around 4pm and had lunch. Gonna head over to bedok later to collect my specs and borrow some books from the library. Busy week ahead!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


This is so fucked up.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

hunting for rainbows

So... My first final exam is in 7 hours time and here I am un-asleep and unprepared. This is what happens when shit happens and you can't dig yourself out of that pit of vipers. I just want to curl up in bed and read lots of books with a fat cat on my lap.

Today was supposed to be a cramming day, but it ended up being one of waddling around like a giant Pao with legs followed by a pretty satisfying frisbee pickup. And not to forget a 21st's birthday celebration for my OG mate and just lots of pure random-ness coming out of a future-teacher-to-be (the things she'll do to her students... I pity them hahahas). Somewhere in all that, I've acquired a bruise on my calf and half a dozen cupcakes. Yum.

Time to skim some lecture slides; the least I could do is find out what's in my syllabus that's going to be tested tomorrow.

Friday, November 23, 2012


That's it. No more.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

the sunshine in your hair

I think one of the best things about being home are the showers. It's amazing how therapeutic simple streams of hot water can feel after a long day. That feeling of your whole body thawing from outside in as the warmth soaks in and the shower stall steams up... And the strong jets of water, so much better than the half-hearted drizzle at Angsana's showers. And when you finally step out of the shower with great reluctance, there's that perfect after-shower glow where you feel like your skin is still gently giving off phantom heat. Throw on a fluffy towel and you've locked that wonderful fuzzy glow in. Step straight into an airconditioned room, wiggle under a soft blanket and you're ready for bed. The simple pleasure I'll take for granted no more.

Goodnight guys :)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

petrichor; breathe

The power of words; doubt; priorities; longing; thick hoodies; movies in bed; pancakes; cold toes and fingertips; guilt; resentment; stories; transformation; warm blankets; morning calls; cupcakes; lost courage; photographs; bad choices; empty promises; discipline; yearning; surprises; time; froyo; post its; escalators; daydreams; imaginary friends; pretence; expectations; making changes; hope; late night walks; holding on; control; plans; fear; realisation; triggers; a bunch of scattered thoughts


Will I one day take for granted the very thing I most yearn for today?
How can they live like that?


What would it be like for me?
We've only got a hundred years to live.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Surprise surprise

I'm here! Hahas it's been so long, I can't believe it's mid October already. 233 days till he comes back! Biz school has been keeping me really busy. The bell curve proves to be as scary as I'd excepted it to be.

That's the distribution for my DSC ops management test. My gut tells me 80% is alright but... I need that 4.5 for SEP D: I'm quite sure if I try for Ireland my parents will totally think it's for LC, which is true, so they might not let me go in the end :/ But places in London schools are too competitive :(

Last Saturday was Grab Huck Score which was really fun! We didn't do too well but it was kinda exciting. I didn't know half my teammates at all till the day of the tournament. I just turned up and learnt their names and played hahaha. It was awesome, I'm probably going for training this coming Tuesday if nothing crops up. I seem to have collected an excessive amount of school tees and jerseys too, the pile in my cupboard is frightening. I can probably not wash my clothes for a month and not run out of tees @@

School-wise, Thursday I had my MNO presentation which really took a great weight of my chest. I forgot my lines quite a bit and said some rubbish but oh wells :S We'll get the feedback from my tutor this coming Thursday, hopefully it's not too bad. She seemed pretty excited about the topic we were presenting hahas, I think it's cause it's a company she can relate to :D Now to move on to the next presentation, argh. So far in this semester, I've completed 1 video project and 1 presentation for MNO, 1 micro project for econs and 1 other project for business law. That's so many projects! :O Biz law was for that crazy day I stayed up till 6am to read through 67 pages of the case and then do up our discussion. I then woke up at 9am to have really awesome hash brown from the dining hall before going for a super dry accounting lecture (and I didn't fall asleep!) I'm just glad I'm not studying law *phew*

Friday I crashed Qian Wen's Singapore Society lecture, it was pretty interesting hahas. Much more interesting than my biz lectures for sure. We got to watch a clip out of this theatre production called "charged". It's set in a NS context and was really interesting. The acting was rather decent too, I would have gone to watch such a production. After that was just a meeting for my accounting project (noooo not another project T^T) and back to Angsana for dinner. I think I'm really bored of their food already and during dinner I was thinking about what to order for supper hahaha. We ordered KFC in the end, it was so good ^^

We watched parts of Mulan while eating and later at night we watched V for Vendetta. The movie was... wow. V reminds me of Snape hahaha! After the movie I went on a whole fangirly tirade about how sexy Snape is and now my OG mates all know my strange fetish for snape-ish characters D: And yes, awesome movie. The story played out really well and V was just amazing. He's like a madman but so human in other aspects; he's so strong and intelligent yet vulnerable too. I'm in total fangirl mode heehee ^^ Oh and some people in my Angsana house are potter fans too! It's so awesome, I think we can try having movie nights to watch the whole series soon :D

And I think I'll have to end here, I was supposed to start on work a longgggg time ago. Argh, this weekend I need to work on my MNO and ACC projects. Halloween's coming, prepare to be visited by the living dead ;D (and I don't mean sleep deprived students hahaha)

Oh and have I mentioned how fun it is talking to Siri? I love my new phone, the battery lasts infinitely longer than my old one! So happy, I named it Hans after a character from Book Thief that I really liked. Oh and even though this has been a super busy week, reading has been keeping me sane. Book Thief was really good, I'm rereading bits of the Alchemist but I think I'll start on Invisible Monsters once I go home and fetch it today :)

Old man: Why do you tend a flock of sheep?
Boy: Because I like to travel.
Old man: (points at a baker) When he was a child, that man wanted to travel, too. But he decided first to buy his bakery and put some money aside. When he's an old man, he's going to spend a month in Africa. He never realised that people are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.
Boy: He should have decided to become a shepherd.
Old man: Well, he thought of that. But bakers are more important people than shepherds. Bakers have homes, while shepherds sleep out in the open. Parents would rather see their children marry bakers than shepherds. In the long run, what people think about shepherds and bakers becomes more important for them than their own destinies.
Boy: Why are you telling me all this?
Old man: Because you are trying to realise your destiny. And you are at the point where you're  about to give it all up.

Friday, October 05, 2012

A leap of faith

It's been too long since I last updated this space. Basically it's been just school, school and more school. I'm going to do something entirely insane and my parents are going to be so freaking pissed. Sigh. My mum took the news fairly well in that she just freaked out so that's alright; like just a ?!! freak out and not a full-scale THEFUQ freak out.

But somehow I just feel like I'm bumbling about with this; I've been spamming emails left right center and I don't know if that's going to kill my chances in the end. And I still have my midterms and projects to work on. Sigh, school :( Business school to be exact, the bell curve is extremely frightening. Almost half the cohort scored 90% in this one test, the bell curve is going to be a major pain in the ass. (I never thought I'd be sad to score 80%) Arrrrr I really want a 4.5 CAP! If my Plan A Part II fails, I'll need it to get into the exchange programme... Considering the schools I want to go to. That's Plan B.

The scary thing now is that I need to add things to my plate if I want to boost the chances of either Plan A Part II or Plan B working. Complicated much. I probably should make plans for this December holidays, my god why am I doing this now? I wish I'd done this last year, then maybe things would have worked out differently :(

I'm gonna go microwave the food I packed from breakfast. I need to kick my body clock back into shape, I keep waking up so late unless people come wake me up sigh.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

So you say

This space has been so dead but I'm still here! Sort of :/ I've had too many things to do so far, and there's many more still to do. Too many late nights 2am mornings, too many failed attempts at squeezing onto D2 feeder buses, too many wasted hours of falling asleep in lectures. I need to pull myself together, like seriously. That dreaded day is coming soon and till then, and after that, I'll have to keep kicking my ass to stay busy and not just degenerate into a staring-out-the-window-phantom like a certain vampire-obsessed girl. Especially since the view out of my Angsana room is kind of dreary.

Anyway, my phone semi-bricked itself yesterday (my whatsapp won't work, that's almost as bad as being phone-less!) so I'll probably have to revert it or... something T^T

Thursday, August 09, 2012

follow the fools

Prince has such long whiskers ^^
Anyway the camps are over and I've moved random bits and pieces to my room at Angsana. Will do a July time capsule soon! Oh and yes, Happy National Day! ^^

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sugar rush

Blatantly-in-your-face food porn hahaha~
Baked red velvet cupcakes yesterday (i.e. Tuesday), super moist super sweet super awesome (and super troublesome to make too!)


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

June Time Capsule

Someone up there is definitely laughing at me, and I'm not referring to those randy lizards that won't stop cackling. Oh wells, it's more a good thing than bad so I just gotta suck it up and keep moving forward.

Packed my desk today so it actually looks like a desk and not a giant pile of junk. I made a to-do list too so hopefully I will be steadily on my way to being ready for the start of school. I was also supposed to do a nice long post about everything that has happened but because I am, as usual, lazy, I'll just condense everything into a photo spam post, i.e. time capsule! So...

10 June

Bought hair dye from a totally random hair salon in dhoby ghaut and proceeded to make a weird dye-conditioner-peroxide concoction for the lower ends of my hair. My sis was having way too much fun and we had all sorts of arms, legs and foreheads dyed an unfortunate red. Oh my floor still looks like it has a bloodstain from this! Anyway, colour wasn't really obvious, ok there was no colour to speak of, but it's a little more visible now after one month. You just won't know it's there unless you know it's there heehee.

17 June

Last day at work and also the Race Day at Turf Club. I didn't get to use that likeaboss table since I was stationed at the registration booth downstairs with LC and LL. And I am going to shamelessly post nauseatingly couple-y photos because I don't think I'll have many more of them to post in the time to come T^T

22 June

After training one fine Friday, Ying and I went to Ikea for lunch and some random window shopping. Made a list of things to buy and when I actually went to get them a few days ago, I sort of bought wrong stuff. Argh, *facepalm*. Anyway, we also indulged in some lovely chocolate fondue at Anchorpoint. Ying had to rush off for her pilates after that while I tottered my way home and decided not to go for dance. Oh, something funny happened in between hahaha. On the bus to... red hill (?) mrt, ying heard some woman say something about how the mrt was the previous stop or something and then we  hurriedly got off the bus. It ended up being the wrong stop so we walked a couple of bus stops to the mrt station hahahaha. It was good for digestion lolol. Man, the fondue is making me hungry @@

24 - 25 June


A most awesome birthday with the besties <3 Picnic-ed at marina barrage where we barbarically tore apart a chicken (I happily saw-ed away at it with a blunt table knife) and fell in love with jen's supergood potato salad. Flied kites as well (technically one flew and landed in the water and we tried to fly the other hahas; but it was fun!) and took lots of funny jumpshots. When we were leaving, Joey proceeded to expertly blindfold me (notice the gap to breathe hahaha) and then we were off to marina bay sands. It was rather exciting except for the fact that I was worried I would tromp over little kids or walk into a sign post/pillar of some sort (from previous experiences, that's not very fun). Zinc marched me down to ArtScience and while we were waiting for stuff to get sorted, Ying happily 自拍-ed with me while I cluelessly stared into random directions. Oh I intentionally included that photo of me smiling stupidly in the wrong direction hahahahaha; I can't stop laughing every time I think about it. The Harry Potter Exhibition was supposed to be the surprise but LC sort of gave it away the day before. But it was good and I was surprised! Thanks so much guys <3 I really hadn't thought we'd be having such an eventful day. And I got to touch Snape's robes! Ok I was kind of groping away happily but wow~

After that was dinner at TCC (strangely we had dinner at TCC the year before for my birthday too ._.) and then back to Ying's house. Whadayaknow, there was a surprise cake *_* It was really good and pretty! Kind of like a megasized pimped up female oreo hahahaha nomz. Ying then unleashed her jelly shots on us and Joey ended up staying over with Zinc and I because the alcohol wasn't sitting well with her. I also discovered how sunburnt I was and it was "so unattractive", as LC described it the next day. Oops ^^ But it was altogether an amazing celebration and I don't think I thanked you guys enough for it. THANK YOUUUUU <333

25 June

Since I was too sunburnt to be seen in public, LC's dinner plans had to be rescheduled :( So sorry for making you cross the annoying causeway and then deny you good food! We ended up waiting a week before we had that dinner but I'll get to that in another post ^^ Anyway, we had a nice lazy day instead. I spent lots of time whining about my cooked skin while we watched videos on his lappie (I think his mac would be insulted at being called such an undignified name hahaha). He also gave me a really pretty card; thank you <3

27 June

Hahahaha as the picture depicts quite well, I went to Musee for underarms hair removal *coughs* Anyway, it might get a bit too detailed for some so skip this paragraph and the next if this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable :) Basically, I bought a groupon and decided to use it at the Scotts Square branch. They sort of cover your eyes first before cleaning and shaving your underarms. Then they apply a gel and zap away. It was surprisingly fast and painless. And not as awkward as I thought it would be. And I totally didnt look as poised as that woman in their picture; I felt more like a gorilla with my arms held up above my head hahaha. Kind of like this?

Except the woman working on me was really nice and professional about it. I was lying down and she just did her thing while letting me know what she was doing. The hair was supposed to fall off on its own within the next two weeks and I don't remember noticing any sudden shedding but it should have happened. I sort of have bald patches there now hahahaha. Whee I'm looking forward to the day where the whole area stays permanently bare :D Can't imagine shaving for the next 70 years of my life ._.

After that I vaguely recall heading to Little Book Shop at Siglap to meet Zinc and Ying. We had their waffles with ice cream and then popped over to Starbucks to try their new drinks with the 1-for-1 promo. The green tea with red bean really was just green tea with red bean :( The Hojicha tea was nice though!

Dinner was at some restaurant at Joo Chiat and there was a mini hoo-ha about our undercooked chili crab. Sort of ruined the dinner and there was a moment where we wondered if the chef would come out and start something @@

I can't remember what happened on the last few days of June unfortunately. If it comes to me I'll post, gosh this post is already too damn long. Tata!

Monday, July 09, 2012

Bury me in a cloud

I have lots to update about what's been happening but I just never feel up to typing those posts. Recently, I've been feeling... frightened. I also had a sleepless night yesterday so while I curled up under my blanket trying not to think of a cat I miss so terribly, my thoughts started to get a little depressing.

I'm 19 now, and I know I still haven't posted about how the day went. (Thank you jojenyingzinc for the amazing surprise! I'll do a nice long post about it soon. It can't have been that long ago since I'm still peeling from my sunburn lol). Anyway, 19 feels scarily old because I'm only a year away from being 20 and after that, time just flies until suddenly you realise you're having a mid-life crisis at 39. It made me want to make this year count. I want the time between 25/06/2012 and 25/06/2013 to be special and unforgettable. Because I thought back about how I spent my 18th year and I realised it wasn't a very encouraging period of time in my life.

I just looked through some of my older posts during that year and encountered a quote that pretty much foreshadowed whatever was to come.

"So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free."
- Tom Robbins

I failed in so many things that year. I'm talking about the things that matter where failing doesn't mean scoring below 50%. If I were to go about this in a chronological order...

1. InterJCs in July.
Countless trainings all for one day and I had to catch a fever out of nowhere. It was one of the most frustrating moments ever. I tried to not get too upset over it but no words can describe how miserable I feel to never truly know what it would have been like playing hard on the fields with the team. It's not much I know, but then again it's something I'll never know. Watching the juniors train on Saturday for their InterJCs made me feel irrationally envious.

The next few months from July to November simply passed in a blur of studying and UK applications. I have nothing much to say about the studying except that I just hope that I can find the same determination and motivation again. More on this later because we all know where that's heading.

2. Cookie.
What can I say here? I was too busy having fun to be around on his last day. I was too busy studying the previous few months to be with him. I'm not going to delve into that that pit of regrets because then I wouldn't be able to make it through this post.

3. UK vetmed applications.
I've whined enough about this I guess. Making it official on UCAS was painful but it hasn't been the worst part. I've accepted it. The bitter aftertaste just won't go away. It's going to be especially hard seeing so many people go on to do what they want to do in life. More enviousness. But that's the way life is, you can't always get what you want.

4. Scholarship applications.
Getting accepted by the UK schools was rather confidence-boosting but after being rejected by all 5 scholarship boards, my ego is about as battered as it can be already. It just makes me wonder if I'm going to fuck up uni. It's frightening to know that you aren't as comfortably plotted on the bell curve as you hoped you were. In biz school, it's going to be a whole new game all together. I worry about the choices I've made, particularly this. Yes, I put all my eggs in one basket and when that didn't work out I floundered about and made reckless decisions. I committed the next 5 years of my life to studying two courses I don't really know much about. It feels so different from vetmed, where I had actually sought work experience and prepared myself for what to expect. 

5. Work.
In some ways, this was bittersweet. I got my first job, and it wasn't bad, but it was nowhere near what I had in mind when I first went looking for one. I wanted a job with animals but I ended up behind a desk. I was supposed to continue my volunteering and stable work but that eventually died off too. I just let myself fade away into mindlessly dragging myself to the office and working late too often. A scholarship interviewer called me naive and idealistic. Back then I felt indignant about it because I didn't think there was anything wrong with believing in a dream and having hope. Nowadays, I just feel pretty empty.

I think I forgot something in my last few months as an 18-year-old. Or perhaps I've just stashed it away in a dusty corner of my mind. I had a blogpost titled "where did the fight go" some time ago. I don't remember what the post was referring to but I can't help asking myself this question now. I spent my 18th year getting mentally beaten up and I just feel tired from all that crap.

In the end, I'd be a different person now if everything had gone my way. But things didn't so here I am, feeling so tempted to just be bitter and angry. But I don't want my 19th year to continue down the same track. Being 18 was a year of loss -- I lost a day that will never happen again, a beloved friend, a dream, confidence and spirit.

I'm only 19 and I'm so tired already. On some days, it's easy to ignore these feelings. But when I think about how I've spent the past 7 months since the end of "A" levels, I worry that the rest of my life will be one of such... aimlessness. Recently, someone and I realised how we've lost that something that made everything exciting. I really want to be excited about being 19. I just feel so afraid.

Hopefully it'll be different when I wake up in the morning; when the relentless Singapore sunshine has chased these shadows of doubt away, I'll be that ol' annoyingly over-happy person again.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I really need to start making plans on what I will do before my life degenerates into a giant mash of bed book food. I MUST PLAN!!

When I wake up later, hopefully before 10am, I WILL MEET YING FOR LUNCH/BRUNCH. Then we will pick up zinc, who is finally peeling from Sunday hahaha, and we will have a cultured afternoon trying to bang some piano bits into me. Sounds totally achievable. Then dinner with the silly boy and if I'm feeling disciplined, bedtime by midnight (unlike tonight oops).


On a side note, I'm amazed how I haven't burst the limit on my NETS/debit card after my recent splurging. Ordered Supre, Threadless (omg 209.82USD wtfhowdidthathappen, the 9.99 sales are plain cruel T^T) and  today I went on a shopping trip cleverly disguised as a running-errands trip to get my ink stamps and bag. And other random stuff that I happily got distracted by along the way hahahaha. Camped at The Little Book Shop and Starbucks with ying+zinc to have waffles and well, starbucks. The new Hojicha drink is pretty nice! Green tea red bean is really just the green tea frappe with red beans, I'm pretty disappointed although I'm not exactly sure what I had been expecting to start with. Oh I finally read the first few pages of my BTT book! Achievement unlocked hahaha! #likeasloth

I'm in a really self-amusing mood at the moment whee~~ I'm also afraid to log into my ibanking to find out what's left of my account. I can't bear to look at the piteous remains of my 3-months' pay.

~~~~~$$$$$$ [    ]

And that is an emoticon of money flying out a window hahahaha. Right, self-amusement HAHAHA. Ok I need to stop being creepyweird. Oh yeah, I don't know if he comes here BUT OMG DUDE YOU MUST STOP STALKING MY SIS PLEASEEEEEZ. That stalking counts as being creepyweird too!

Goodnight world~!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Touching base

Hello, quick update on life~~

I've ended work already with my last day being last Sunday on the 17th. Walked away with a couple of abrasions after breaking in a new pair of heels oops. The day before, my auntie and I did some crude tinkering with the heels to make them fit better hahaha. She actually sewed the straps tighter so... who knew that could be done? Good thing she did though, I was tottering after the MP who just dashed right through registration and almost went off without us even realising he was the VIP. Anyway, it was Race Day so I finally set foot in the Turf Club and tried my hand at losing money. It was just too tempting with the crazy convenience of verbal betting counters with no queue. The whole venue just looked so posh, too bad I don't have the photos we took inside the dining area. Need to figure out who has them~~ It was a happy-sad last day, really exciting but somehow I'll miss my colleagues. The hugs and well-wishes were really nice :') Nevertheless, I won't miss waking up early every morning, squeezing on to MRTs to get to work and staring at the computer screen for hours on end. Not that I don't still stare at the computer screen a lot hee hee. But honestly, for a first job I think I've had a pretty fun experience. Who normally shops for computers and washing machines at work??? Preparing for the Ball and Race Day was nice too; I'm really happy both events turned out great and I got to attend them. (even though I sort of lost my day's pay at the Race Day, I can see why it's so addictive) I wonder if they've found a replacement for me yet :/

That aside, I've just confirmed my room for Angsana. Single corridor room with aircon! ^^ I'm really looking forward to checking in and all. It's so exciting to sort of be "moving out". So much more freedom but also so many more responsibilities. I have a feeling I'll just end up rewearing clothes a lot because I'll forget to wash them hahaha. I just really hope I don't hate my course/totally suck at it. Somehow I need to try and remember what studying feels like. Oh, I guess I should get to work on reading my BTT book hahas. Oh and I think I'll be bringing in lots of furniture to pimp my room hahaha. Too bad bathrobes are not considered appropriate attire, cause since I opted for a single gender floor I was hoping I could just go back and forth between the toilet and my room in a bathrobe instead of carrying all my clothes all over the place. I imagine the sight of me wandering about in a giant grey bathrobe with pink polka dots might be too traumatising hahas.

I'm gonna go get ready for bed now so that this panadol can fully kick in. Thanks to someone I can't get the image of grilled salmon pasta out of my head T_T

Monday, June 11, 2012

A random pointless rant

NEW LAPPIE! I can't believe how long I spent at the IT fair on friday and saturday, but after walking around being fickle for hours and hours I left at around 9+pm (the fair closed at 9 hahaha) on saturday with a samsung series 5 ultrabook. I hate to say it but on the outside it's mind-numbingly boring. It's a dull silver-grey that's about one shade darker than silas. What a terrible waste because the screen is awesome! It's a good thing I'll be spending more time looking at the screen than at the cover. The keyboard is pretty alright but not as pretty as the series 7's (who can resist backlit keyboards! They look like stepping stones to heaven which is totally what the screen is on the 15.6" version! I literally sighed in happiness just staring at that screen) If I were a guy (meaning taller, buffer and stronger; and possibly more into gaming meaning more sedentary use of a computer) I'd have gotten that and just carried that 2+kg work of art around because it's all worth it. Then every time I open it up I can just sigh in bliss ^^

Anyway, I still got the series 5 even though I hated how it looked but I was trying very hard to be less superficial. It's not to the point of hideous but it's kinda... ugly. And most likely going to be very common and even more boring. But those are really superficial points. Once I start using it and forget that it looks like a dead slab of rock I'm a satisfied girl. But still... there were prettier models. I liked how the super new 15.6" series 9 model looked but the keyboard was so flat and spaced-out I couldn't type on it at all. I like my keys to be springy ^^ The cheapest version of the series 9 was pretty nice too, except its 128SSD was a major turnoff because I'm a hoarder of all things useless and space-consuming. Actually, that 128SSD applied for a lot of ultrabook-type laptops :/ Oh and it was also 13.3" which is wayyyyyyyyy too tiny.

I'm not even sure why I bought the series 5. I never considered it until people started telling me about how buying a Dell laptop would be like "digging my own grave". (Ahem~) No one seemed to be able to explain why Dell is so bad but it was kind of worrying to realise it has such a terrible reputation. Or maybe it's just a lack of marketing? But the Dell Inspiron 14z was really appealing for me and I would have gotten it if not for all the advice against it and the extremely disappointing laptop screen. Everything else was pretty groovy, especially since it's processor is newer than the s5's and it has a much more unique look and feel. I can't get over how the s5 looks like Silas' anorexic clone. I need to name my s5 soon and maybe after it starts kicking my ass at chess I'll grow a little more fond of it. I'm still typing this on Silas though! For a Lenovo I'm really proud of it even though it's a lot slower now and my battery life is approximately 10minutes. The graphic card seems to have big issues too with my screen blacking out quite often. Oh well, these things happen with old age. (When I'm old and cranky I'd be lazy and slow too) The most important point is that Silas and I have history *big hug* ^^

Wow. I can't believe I spent this whole post talking about my lappies @@

Monday, June 04, 2012



On a side note, how did one day pass so quickly?!!

Sunday, June 03, 2012

I heard you were a wild one

It was a crazy night yesterday, got home at 2am totally exhausted. I can't believe how good the event turned out; the decorations were amazing and the arena was totally transformed. The guests were also all dressed in theme and some costumes were just amazing. There were even people going around with the giant red indian feather headgear. Some dude was in a horse suit that sorta looked like this

except he was all dressed up too as a cowboy. The horse head was just flying around wildly when he was jumping about on the dance floor. Some dancing couple also tried to do a dip and it was so sweet; they seemed a bit drunk though hahas. Oh and there were so many awesome fake mustaches going around and the people actually looked good in them cause they were Caucasian! Lots of cool accents flying around the whole night too. And hot guys and super sexy women @@ They're so very different from Singaporeans.

Food was pretty disappointing cause I missed the beef sirloin (whyyyyyy!); goodwood park how can you call it a buffet and run out of beef! Oh wells, at least I didn't pay $230 for a ticket @@ The beer was surprisingly nice! Very smooth and we were drinking it most of the night because no one seemed to be serving water. Tried the champagne and white and red wines too, pretty meh~~ Nearing the end of the event things started to get messy and everyone was a little confused and frustrated. Silent auction bidding was rather disorganised with it not closing at the right time and people coming in to guilt trip/intimidate us into letting them continue bidding. I can't believe someone would just randomly bid $25000 for a painting too in the live auction ._.

Ahhh I still can't get over how much effort so many people put into their costumes, everyone was so supportive and all dressed up. I somehow regret not slacking a bit more that night (I didn't get to ride the mechanical bull!) but oh wells~~~ work is work. I was sort of expecting the night to be less busy but I don't recall having much free time :/ Prize room work was fun but not as exciting as being outside and getting to soak in the whole atmosphere. Spent some time carrying a chair up and down the stage too and other miscellaneous saikang zzz -.- Mmm random thought, the nachos with the meaty sauce thing was good ^^

Oh I brought home a whole bunch of helium cow-pattern balloons but they weren't flying anymore by this morning :(

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

stop hoping and start believing


Men in Black 3 was nice to watch even though many parts in the storyline didn't make sense to me.


You're so different now, I'd go back in time too if I could stop whatever happened from happening.


That was surprisingly harder yet easier than I thought it would be; at least it's final. No more self-denial. I've already come further than I thought I would and I will never forget what could have been. I'm going to move on but moving on doesn't mean I have to let go. I'm going to frame up my Edinburgh offer; it's going to be a painful reminder me of what I let slip away. It's also a reminder that failure isn't as scary as it seems to be. I've failed at the biggest thing I've ever wanted. Been there done that; I've tried and I've fallen and I've lived another day. Failure isn't forever. It can be a day, a month, a year, many years. But it's a measurable sum of time in which everything feels hopeless. You are miserable, angry, disappointed, confused. But that time ends with a decision to pick yourself up and keep getting up no matter how many times you fall. We are all strong enough to do that; don't let despair blind you from your true strength.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I've been around but always too lazy to blog. And my internet's finally back so I don't have to hotspot my phone's miserable 3G anymore, yay!! I don't remember what my last post was and I'm suffering from major pain-in-the-uterus cramps right now; can't believe I still have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, I finally watched AVENGERS today (Yes it's so freaking awesome the whole title deserves to be capitalised, read it out loud with a HUARGHHH~!!! sound like the hulk lololol)

OMG I forgot to buy my ASOS yesterday, dammit the 15% promo code expired -.- Oh wells ~~ I'm going to be making a few big purchases in the next few months, i.e. a new laptop (but I still love you Silas! I'll keep you around as a reminder of all the good times we had) and new phone (most likely another iphone *facepalm*). Seems like uni will be a fresh start with lots of new things, which reminds me, I haven't posted the photos of my trunk/luggage/magicboxonwheels. (Oh and I also bought a bimbotic pink straightener hahahaha)

I can't get over how cute my stuffed toys are, the only problem is that I can't fit all of them in. How am I going to bring all of them to angsana??? Then again the room wouldn't have enough space for all of them either :/

It has locks kay! It's actually functional and not just an expensive $59 box that I felt like buying hahahaha

My old new manly wallet 
(I haven't used it before, so it's new. But I've had it around for awhile, so it's old?)

And the necessary coin pouch since man-wallets have no coin compartments; why???!!!
Anyway, it's apt that Snape's next to it cause the flip side of my double agent pouch says 我是坏人. How absolutely perfect for him ^^

There seems to be so much to do these days, but I keep getting home so late. So number 1 on my list would be emailing the UK universities to let them know I won't be going so that they can offer my place to someone else (omg four stabs to the heart) and then I'll finally get to doing up the Taiwan videos. Which reminds me, I need to send someone my itinerary. And then finally to pack my room; right now it's such a mess I may just get lost under a landslide junkslide the next time I fall asleep on the floor.

Work has been busy as well. After the long break from school my writing is so much more uninspired that I can't bring myself to accept what I've written. Didn't have a choice today though, I needed to submit a draft article for the newsletter but it was so terrible! Argh, ashamed. Oh and for those who are interested, RDA was featured in TODAY Paper on Sunday (13 May). It's on the second page and the article was surprisingly not bad even though the reporter seemed a bit unsure of what he was doing when he came down to RDA.

It's so strange how it's mid-May already, time is passing pretty fast. Uni will be very busy time with lots to learn and tons more to do. The idea of studying the same 2 subjects for 5 years is rather frightening, further more it's a subject I have no background in and ain't that enthusiastic over either. It'll work out I guess, I have enough faith in my stubbornness to struggle through all the way to get the double honours expected of us (or maybe not ._.) The idea of it scares me, but going to uni sounds so exciting I'll just stop thinking about the tough part for awhile. It's not my dream course but I never really expected to be able to do what I wanted anyway.

There's supposedly a module for personal finances or something like that; you plan out how to save for children, house, family yada yada yada. Maybe I'll be able to plan out if it's realistically feasible for me to study vet later on in life, but 500k just sounds like it'll take a very long time to earn. How many years of slaving away in a cubicle would that take me? Gosh, my plan B really is to just earn as much moolah as possible now. I need at least a 5 digit salary to achieve my goal, argh the life of a cubicle rat here I come.

Monday, May 07, 2012


I've totally fallen in love with my new trunk cum luggage, more about it tomorrow/another day because it's so insanely late now :O goodnight!

Friday, May 04, 2012


“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”
― Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

morning air

I finally dug out the free adult ezlink card and promptly lost it without even using it once; what a joke. I also spent the day with a paper clip on my head because I didn't have a hair clip, it was a pretty bad substitute.


this is so true, but why does pikachu look so dog like ._.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Saturday, April 28, 2012


Hello world! I'm back from taiwan and having major problems re-acclimating to the weather in Singapore; why is it so hot!!! The trip was awesome, more about it soon once yanping/dawn/qianwen/chunhui upload the photos + videos onto facebook so I can borrow some to adequately monologue about how amazing everything was ^^ After my 6 days of attempting to speak passable Chinese I think my brain needs to be re-calibrated for English. I must say my Chinese is quite... functional, my roomies seemed pretty amused when I called hotel reception to ask if it was safe to sing Karaoke at midnight. (and whether random drunk people would invade our room) (that was a reasonable concern kay!) (btw we didn't go in the end cause we were feeling too lazy and the dramas on TV were rather nice)

I have no idea how I managed to spend NT$10,000+ but my favourite buy was my pikachu 皮卡秋 (I'm going to speak to him in Chinese!) for NT$500. The first time I saw him I put him back because he was so ex, but gave in and came back on our last day there to get him. So what if I have one already, they can keep each other company now! ^^ And I also got lots of socks for my dogs, theyre really cute heehee. I got a bumblebee outfit for them too but the M size was too small T^T Hopefully they'll lose weight! The doggy clothing in taiwan were so cute!

Oh and dinner today was exciting! We went to Two Fat Men at East Coast Road to use groupons my mummy bought. The food was not bad and nearing the end a fat lizard fell from the sky and landed on our table. My sister screamed and almost toppled the table then we all proceeded to search for it and freaked out and ran off from the table hahahaha. Okay that was random. Back to packing!

Oh yeah, I realised I never really posted about it... Wicked was awesome ozsome! Seats were pretty far from the stage but I loved the songs and costumes and backdrops and all that.

Anyway, I should get back to packing my room since I only unpacked my luggage when I got back this morning, which basically means I transferred everything from my luggage to the floor heehee.

Monday, April 16, 2012


Hammered in the last nail on the coffin today, what a depressing image. It's time to bury unfulfilled dreams and move on.

Anyway, it's hard to fill sorry for myself when I see what the kids who come to RDA have to face. How can I lose faith when they haven't? They probably don't do it consciously but I can't help admiring how brave they are. I will live, no matter how unfair life can be.

And I realised that I'm upset, but not as upset as when I lost Cookie. Perspective is a precious thing, and I wish I didn't have it but what has happened has happened. Life is cruel but that's part of life. So is loss, which only makes everything that remains all the more important.

A clean end, a new beginning. I absolutely have no idea where studying business is going to take me, anything can happen. I'm going to challenge myself to do my best, even though I'm not sure yet what I'm working for. All I have is an image, a warm happy fuzzy one that I will hold on to, and towards that image I will work. I will think about it as often as possible to help me through the moments of doubt and uncertainty. Believe~

"As an 18-year-old, I wonder what my place in this world will be. The future is so full of potential that I cannot help but be very excited and a little afraid. There are bound to be accomplishments and missteps. I am young and I have so many hopes and fears. Perspective has helped me to understand that come what may, each day is a gift and a chance to find meaning, fulfilment and happiness."

(essentially the last paragraph of my PSC application essay, which probably explains why they never got back to me hahahahaha)

Sunday, April 15, 2012

because a lie becomes the truth

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of doing business instead of vet med; it's just so hard to comprehend. Thinking about vet med, imagining studying overseas and doing the things I love, those were what got me through the bullshit that was A's. It sucks that I did everything I could and everything still went crashing down in 10minutes. 10 minutes was all they could spare to give me a chance. It's true I wasn't that sure about vet med, mostly because I worried that I would hate working at AVA. Regardless, I knew I would never get to work as a vet in the way I wanted no matter what I did. It was all about studying what I loved. So I guess I got the sign I was looking for.

This is one of those times I wish I had a religion. I need something to believe in, some all-knowing deity I can trust who knows what's right for me. But at the moment I still just feel like I fucked up.

I told someone that sometimes you just need a dream. You don't have to achieve it, it's the thrill of the chase. At this point in my life, I can't do what I love because I don't have five hundred thousand dollars to pay for school fees and everything else involved in studying overseas. Hell, thinking someone would invest that much money in me was just me being unrealistic. Studying business is the course that gives me the greatest freedom in career choice right now since I don't know what I want anymore. Who knows, maybe one day this passion will die out and I will fall head over heels in love with some other career. Or if I can't let it go then maybe when I'm old, gray and wrinkly (but wealthy hahaha!) I'll drop everything and run off to do what I can't now.

At least I don't have to give up the other things I love. I'll have ultimate here in Singapore. Family, however cruel they can be, is still something I treasure. The dogs, prince, maybe another cat too! If I get into UTRP, I'll still learn a little independence, gain a little freedom, but all with the safety and comfort of the familiar. I sense that I'm repeating my earlier posts already but I need to remind myself that there are many routes to happiness and I don't always know which will be mine. There are others who will study what they want and live their dream. I know that won't be me. It'll take time, and I will be a terribly angsty bitch, but eventually I'll get over this and move on. I'll find a way to dig myself out of this pit of despair and find the joy in life again.

I just hope I'll still get my once-a-week lessons even though I won't be going to vet school anymore. I won't get to apply those lessons but I still want to learn everything I can. And I'll really miss grooming the horses. I wonder if my two kids have forgotten about me after I missed sidewalking for two sessions :(

Thursday, April 12, 2012

dead and gone

What would you do if you couldn't fail? Chase a dream. What happens when you fail? Suck it up and move on. But dammit it's so hard. To come so close and still fail. I don't think I have the stamina to go for the spring interview tomorrow when I just want to curl up in a dark corner and try and remember what it feels like to still have hope. I wonder why I even tried so hard when I knew this was probably where I would end up anyway. What's the point of getting offers and the grades dammit dammit dammit when someone else just has to scrape through with one offer, not meet the conditions and still get to go. I used to think I didn't really care about money that much, but god how wrong I am. Where can I find half a million dollars? It's so hard not to hate these people. I confess to being bloody fucking jealous. My father wants me to go to SMU cause it'll be cheaper. They want me to do a single degree cause it's cheaper. It's so exhausting having to fight for every little thing. I don't even know why I took business, but I don't know why I do anything anymore. Should have just gone to poly sigh.

My father wanted to celebrate me not hearing back from AVA. This is so fucked up. I think I've sunk to an all time low. I can't find the strength to do up a fucking presentation now. ARGGGHHHHHHH.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

fickle minded fool

I can't stop thinking those are frisbees; how cool would that be!
*returns to barrel scraping*

Thursday, April 05, 2012

off to meet the wizard

A quote joey found:

Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.
- Unknown.

I hope that means I'll be happy. After all, I'm apparently really idealistic and irrationally optimistic. Hahas I screw up the economy ^^

Sunday, April 01, 2012

you say

Wow it's been half a month since I last posted; I don't remember it being that long ago. Anyway, just a quick update: I've started work at RDA doing admin. Not the best outcome but I guess I can't ask too much. And it was pretty awesome receiving my first paycheck on Friday ^^ On the university front, I applied to NUS for business and econs double degree, going to apply for the residential college too but too many things to juggle right now :( Scholarship interviews are so frightening. I've been having little urges to just stick with staying in Singapore. I mean, everyone will be happy. I think I will be too. I'd get to stay with the dogs and prince and make proper plans to renovate my room (shoe wall!). Get to go for trainings and play ultimate. Spend time with friends and continue my unjustified online shopping hahaha. Sigh, should I still put myself through the terrible experience of interviews and assessments? It's so easy to stick with familiar ground, it feels so safe and fuzzy. (btw I've also acquired a super cute pikachu that has the lovely texture of a soft fluffy towel ^^) But then I'd have no reason to continue all the knitting I plan to do, sucks that scarfs can't be worn in singapore :(

I guess the only reason why I'm still trying for scholarships is that I'm not that into the choices I applied to NUS for. And after watching "Darkest Hour" today, I kind of regret not choosing engineering. It looks so much more useful and practical; you actually can design and build something. And just in case the world gets invaded by strange life forms, I'll be able to build a high-tech weapon to save my ass. On Friday I heard that Danette is doing civil engineering so that she can help the less fortunate in other countries. That's so noble T^T I wish I had some sort of ambition like that but there's nothing I can think of that I want to do :( Other than vet med of course, but that's almost out of the equation already. I guess I'll just figure things out as they come along and see where life takes me.

I'm definitely looking forward to taiwan trip, it'd be a most awesome break ^^ Which reminds me I need to transfer someone payment for it hahaha oops. I'll do that once my paycheck deposits into my account, too broke right now :S

Thursday, March 15, 2012


Just another quick update; my bristol telephone interview today was really unexpected. The questions were really content heavy, i.e. muggable, if I'd only known they'd be that sort of questions. But from the glasgow interview I'd thought the questions would be more personal. Oh wells, I just need to get as much interview practice as I can right now. I'm still running on the leftover adrenaline from the interview so I can't make myself focus to work on the scholarship apps, will do that tomorrow. Sigh last minute rushing again :(

Yesterday was RDA's sidewalker training day and it was pretty cool to be on the other end of the rope this time. I got to find out what it'd feel like being the rider and it was honestly really eye-opening. Getting on Paint was a little scary, cause they used me as a demo on how to mount riders with cerebal palsy and I was amazed at how brave the kids must be to do this. The saddle is about as high as I am tall, and me having barely ever ridden before, was a total wuss hahahaha. It's quite ironic really, I want to study vet med but I'm nervous on a horse. In the end, it was totally awesome to be riding, however foreign the feeling was. Too bad it wasn't for very long. To let the other volunteers practice their sidewalking I did some of the activities as a rider too and it really is harder than it looks; I was so worried about falling off hahaha. And dismounting was pretty scary too, I'm not exactly the most flexible person around (and my pants were so non-stretchy that day how was I to know!) so I got stuck mid-dismount for a few seconds where I couldn't get my leg over Paint's butt hahaha.

The sad thing is, I need to find work soon. I've been bumming around too much, using the days spent volunteering as an excuse to not work since the kind of jobs I'm interested in rarely hire temp part timers. If I'd taken up Gongcha's offer I would have been working for almost two weeks now *facepalm* But this sucks big time though since I really want to continue sidewalking for another term T^T The kids are such an inspiration to work with.

Other things aside, baking brownies has thought me a lesson on life. It's impossible to satisfy everyone! Seriously! The recipe for my most recent batch is my favourite so far, but everyone else seems to not like it, but for totally conflicting reasons. I need to make new friends who have the same taste in brownies as me, because I've probably eaten half the tray today, which is about 4.5' x 9' = 40.5 inches square = 261.3cm^2 of brownies. That can't be good for me D:

And that's it, I'm sure a lot of other stuff has happened but my memory is starting to fail me :(

Friday, March 09, 2012


I was supposed to be writing an essay but I ended up somewhere else :/

"You can see yourself with them in the future you can’t quite see. You build apartments outfitted with all the right kitchen supplies and the perfect bed with two nightstands, each piled with books and magazines. You wait for them patiently while they chase their dreams; they wait for you patiently as you chase yours. You sit in bed eating dinner late at night, drinking tea and wine and whiskey as you tell each other all about the chasing. You create adopted dogs and cats; you have awkward conversations about money; you put up with each other’s crap. You see what they look like standing at the end of a candle-lit aisle in your grassy front yard and wonder if you’ll make it to the other end to meet them or if they’ll just end up in the scrapbook clutched to your chest or flickering on the screen in your brain."

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Comes great responsibility

Whenever someone's train of thought wanders into religious tracks, mine just short circuits. I guess this missing experience in life will greatly limit my ability to understand and empathize, but as I've already told seok, I'm not ready for a relationship with god.

Today's been a trying day, emotional conversation aside, earlier on I blew up over someone's blog post. Although you'll never know such a thing transpired, I apologise for all the nasty comments and eye twitches you possibly could have gotten. But still, I strongly disagree.

I loved my HC experience, not because it was a breeze or anything anyone could possibly imagine, but because it has shaped me into who I am. And I think HC will change every one of her students, for good or bad, and it depends on how you spent those 2 years and what you learnt from them. There are many things I got to enjoy in HC, for those I am grateful, and for those that I didn't get to enjoy, it was my fault for not fighting for them.

Being in GEP often meant more opportunities, but in HC that didn't really matter much anymore. It was more or less meritocratic, and it was unfortunate that the system to decide who was more deserving was based largely on grades. But to have gotten into HC most likely meant you were already on pretty level academic ability with the rest ( minus the geniuses and other exceptions). In the end, it was about how well you understood yourself -- which way of learning works best. Of course, there's discipline, motivation,  yada yada.

I don't like how you call HC an elitist school as if you were never considered part of this "elite". Don't act as if you never once felt at least a little proud of being in HC, of what being there signified about your academic achievements. HC supposedly only takes in students who do really well, so having been a student here already makes you an "elite". That's why people stereotype HC, because they think everyone in there is "really smart" since you actually have to be pretty smart to get in. And at one point in time, you were. But there are always people smarter than you, so you can't expect to do as well as you once did. That's what I learnt from my first 3 years in GEP, from being one of those top students to the poor sucker in every remedial class. I failed pretty much every subject during my school tests, so it was a humbling experience.

I'm glad I had friends in JC that kept me busy trying to catch up, because I would not have pushed myself that hard without them. I'm also glad for the help those who did well freely gave. They never once laughed at anyone who didn't do well, so i'm not sure who you've been hanging around.

In the end, I'm trying not to be judgmental because everyone's life has played out differently -- I don't know your story. But all I know is that there's always someone else better off, and someone else worse off; you can choose to be bitter or grateful.

And I'm not saying all these because I think I did well, and I confess that I'll never truly be able to grasp how you feel. But perhaps you know how I feel. Remember doing well in some major exam? Remember the expectations after that? Take that and magnify it over the rest of your life, over university choice and career paths. It's one thing to wish for good grades, another thing to actually get them and struggle to do them justice.


Thought occurred:
My time in HC was good, but not that it was always good. Rather, it was good for me (and didn't come with a nasty aftertaste).


Argh. This sucks. Decisions and deadlines.

On one hand, my grades can meet the offer.

On the other hand, my family is totally against me taking up that offer. I also cannot afford to do that. There's possibly only one scholarship in Singapore I can apply to. What are the chances? And even so, it won't exactly be what I want to do, but the closest I can get to it. It will also be a hell of a time catching up with the UK students. What if it doesn't work out? What if I hate the job that the bond entails. I won't have many career options with that degree.

I'm going to go back to the drawing board and reconsider other possibilities. Not today though, time to leave this to fester and go to sleep soon. Last day with Brian and Kristian tomorrow, should be fun ^^

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Lemon Meringue Pie

All that wasn't well ended pretty well I guess. Decision time now :/

I should be unbelievably happy, but I just feel apprehensive. I can do so much with these grades, but for other reasons I don't think I can.

Friday, March 02, 2012

now or never

12 more hours, wow. It seemed so far away when we finished the last paper, and I can't seem to fathom how time managed to pass so fast.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I guess I'll be relieved one way or the other.

A part of me wants to get the 4 H2 As; that part wants to go to the UK and study vet med, to be amazed and achieve something that deep down inside I've always dreamed of but never dared to try for until last year -- that part is longing for something extraordinary and wonderful.

The other part of me is afraid of getting those As, because it'll only take me one step closer to that elusive dream. That part is scared to death of what would happen if I get the grades but not the scholarship, to have hoped so much and gotten so close just to miss at the very last moment. But that part is also scared that despite the odds, I actually get the grades and scholarship. What would I do then? Could I really bear to leave all that I've held dear? Family, slightly dysfunctional and all, and pets, one of the greatest joys of my life? If christy was still around, I'd never even think of leaving. If cookie was around, it'd be a very unlikely choice. With both gone, I'm at a loss. This part is afraid of having to make that tough choice, of having to get off the fence and wondering if the grass on the other side could have been greener.

I want to go UK, I want to find out what it's like to study and live in a foreign country, to see new sights and go on new adventures, to be with friends who are going there too and to learn to be a little more independent. But I want to stay here too, to be around during the last few years of my dogs's lives -- I don't want to hear of their passing on a phone call or in an email -- to enjoy the comfort of familiarity and know where I belong.

And one last part is also wondering how your choice will influence mine, but the thought of that is so frightening.  Everything will change soon, and maybe the choices will have been made for me.

Either way I will, or can, happy.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

just keep believing

I need As this friday. Everyone needs As this friday, but one person getting an A means one other person didn't. Why must it be like this :(


33617|| Joey: What would YOU do if you knew you could not fail?
omnomnomkai: find out the meaning of life
omnomnomkai: the way to happiness
omnomnomkai: what happens after life
omnomnomkai: the cure to cancer
omnomnomkai: aids
omnomnomkai: HAHAHAHA
omnomnomkai: become a full fledged wizard
33617|| Joey: lol wizard (Y)

I would surround myself with the magical things in life. I don't plan on failing :)

Sunday, February 26, 2012


What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Saturday, February 25, 2012


I've been really lazy with the updating, so here's the last week or so in a spam of iphone snapshots. I feel oddly tired today, though mostly all I did was listen to people discuss interesting things at this animal welfare forum (reb was there!) and bully people into the CC's hall. And completely failed the surprise 'test' we were given, even though I remember paying attention for the past 3 training days. My ability to remember anything vaguely intellectual seems to be long lost.

A most awesome dinner at Jen's house on thursday last week, prepared by her brother with some free labour from Jen ^^ Followed by Pokemon Monopoly where Jo, Jen, Zinc and Ying amassed great fortunes in the form of Poke centres (in that order) while I languished in jail, sigh :(

IKEA dinner after one of the trainings at ACRES

Somewhere in Mandarin Gallery, also a possible location of my Stitch's mysterious disappearance. Poor thing  :(

Dinner with Yanping, Qianwen and Dawn at Cine's Javier's on Sunday, great dinner at a budget. Yanping is really damn skilled (y)

Pancakes day adventure on Tuesday, nom~

Cream cheese brownies that didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted them to, damn.