Thursday, March 15, 2012


Just another quick update; my bristol telephone interview today was really unexpected. The questions were really content heavy, i.e. muggable, if I'd only known they'd be that sort of questions. But from the glasgow interview I'd thought the questions would be more personal. Oh wells, I just need to get as much interview practice as I can right now. I'm still running on the leftover adrenaline from the interview so I can't make myself focus to work on the scholarship apps, will do that tomorrow. Sigh last minute rushing again :(

Yesterday was RDA's sidewalker training day and it was pretty cool to be on the other end of the rope this time. I got to find out what it'd feel like being the rider and it was honestly really eye-opening. Getting on Paint was a little scary, cause they used me as a demo on how to mount riders with cerebal palsy and I was amazed at how brave the kids must be to do this. The saddle is about as high as I am tall, and me having barely ever ridden before, was a total wuss hahahaha. It's quite ironic really, I want to study vet med but I'm nervous on a horse. In the end, it was totally awesome to be riding, however foreign the feeling was. Too bad it wasn't for very long. To let the other volunteers practice their sidewalking I did some of the activities as a rider too and it really is harder than it looks; I was so worried about falling off hahaha. And dismounting was pretty scary too, I'm not exactly the most flexible person around (and my pants were so non-stretchy that day how was I to know!) so I got stuck mid-dismount for a few seconds where I couldn't get my leg over Paint's butt hahaha.

The sad thing is, I need to find work soon. I've been bumming around too much, using the days spent volunteering as an excuse to not work since the kind of jobs I'm interested in rarely hire temp part timers. If I'd taken up Gongcha's offer I would have been working for almost two weeks now *facepalm* But this sucks big time though since I really want to continue sidewalking for another term T^T The kids are such an inspiration to work with.

Other things aside, baking brownies has thought me a lesson on life. It's impossible to satisfy everyone! Seriously! The recipe for my most recent batch is my favourite so far, but everyone else seems to not like it, but for totally conflicting reasons. I need to make new friends who have the same taste in brownies as me, because I've probably eaten half the tray today, which is about 4.5' x 9' = 40.5 inches square = 261.3cm^2 of brownies. That can't be good for me D:

And that's it, I'm sure a lot of other stuff has happened but my memory is starting to fail me :(

Friday, March 09, 2012


I was supposed to be writing an essay but I ended up somewhere else :/

"You can see yourself with them in the future you can’t quite see. You build apartments outfitted with all the right kitchen supplies and the perfect bed with two nightstands, each piled with books and magazines. You wait for them patiently while they chase their dreams; they wait for you patiently as you chase yours. You sit in bed eating dinner late at night, drinking tea and wine and whiskey as you tell each other all about the chasing. You create adopted dogs and cats; you have awkward conversations about money; you put up with each other’s crap. You see what they look like standing at the end of a candle-lit aisle in your grassy front yard and wonder if you’ll make it to the other end to meet them or if they’ll just end up in the scrapbook clutched to your chest or flickering on the screen in your brain."

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Comes great responsibility

Whenever someone's train of thought wanders into religious tracks, mine just short circuits. I guess this missing experience in life will greatly limit my ability to understand and empathize, but as I've already told seok, I'm not ready for a relationship with god.

Today's been a trying day, emotional conversation aside, earlier on I blew up over someone's blog post. Although you'll never know such a thing transpired, I apologise for all the nasty comments and eye twitches you possibly could have gotten. But still, I strongly disagree.

I loved my HC experience, not because it was a breeze or anything anyone could possibly imagine, but because it has shaped me into who I am. And I think HC will change every one of her students, for good or bad, and it depends on how you spent those 2 years and what you learnt from them. There are many things I got to enjoy in HC, for those I am grateful, and for those that I didn't get to enjoy, it was my fault for not fighting for them.

Being in GEP often meant more opportunities, but in HC that didn't really matter much anymore. It was more or less meritocratic, and it was unfortunate that the system to decide who was more deserving was based largely on grades. But to have gotten into HC most likely meant you were already on pretty level academic ability with the rest ( minus the geniuses and other exceptions). In the end, it was about how well you understood yourself -- which way of learning works best. Of course, there's discipline, motivation,  yada yada.

I don't like how you call HC an elitist school as if you were never considered part of this "elite". Don't act as if you never once felt at least a little proud of being in HC, of what being there signified about your academic achievements. HC supposedly only takes in students who do really well, so having been a student here already makes you an "elite". That's why people stereotype HC, because they think everyone in there is "really smart" since you actually have to be pretty smart to get in. And at one point in time, you were. But there are always people smarter than you, so you can't expect to do as well as you once did. That's what I learnt from my first 3 years in GEP, from being one of those top students to the poor sucker in every remedial class. I failed pretty much every subject during my school tests, so it was a humbling experience.

I'm glad I had friends in JC that kept me busy trying to catch up, because I would not have pushed myself that hard without them. I'm also glad for the help those who did well freely gave. They never once laughed at anyone who didn't do well, so i'm not sure who you've been hanging around.

In the end, I'm trying not to be judgmental because everyone's life has played out differently -- I don't know your story. But all I know is that there's always someone else better off, and someone else worse off; you can choose to be bitter or grateful.

And I'm not saying all these because I think I did well, and I confess that I'll never truly be able to grasp how you feel. But perhaps you know how I feel. Remember doing well in some major exam? Remember the expectations after that? Take that and magnify it over the rest of your life, over university choice and career paths. It's one thing to wish for good grades, another thing to actually get them and struggle to do them justice.


Thought occurred:
My time in HC was good, but not that it was always good. Rather, it was good for me (and didn't come with a nasty aftertaste).


Argh. This sucks. Decisions and deadlines.

On one hand, my grades can meet the offer.

On the other hand, my family is totally against me taking up that offer. I also cannot afford to do that. There's possibly only one scholarship in Singapore I can apply to. What are the chances? And even so, it won't exactly be what I want to do, but the closest I can get to it. It will also be a hell of a time catching up with the UK students. What if it doesn't work out? What if I hate the job that the bond entails. I won't have many career options with that degree.

I'm going to go back to the drawing board and reconsider other possibilities. Not today though, time to leave this to fester and go to sleep soon. Last day with Brian and Kristian tomorrow, should be fun ^^

Saturday, March 03, 2012

Lemon Meringue Pie

All that wasn't well ended pretty well I guess. Decision time now :/

I should be unbelievably happy, but I just feel apprehensive. I can do so much with these grades, but for other reasons I don't think I can.

Friday, March 02, 2012

now or never

12 more hours, wow. It seemed so far away when we finished the last paper, and I can't seem to fathom how time managed to pass so fast.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I guess I'll be relieved one way or the other.

A part of me wants to get the 4 H2 As; that part wants to go to the UK and study vet med, to be amazed and achieve something that deep down inside I've always dreamed of but never dared to try for until last year -- that part is longing for something extraordinary and wonderful.

The other part of me is afraid of getting those As, because it'll only take me one step closer to that elusive dream. That part is scared to death of what would happen if I get the grades but not the scholarship, to have hoped so much and gotten so close just to miss at the very last moment. But that part is also scared that despite the odds, I actually get the grades and scholarship. What would I do then? Could I really bear to leave all that I've held dear? Family, slightly dysfunctional and all, and pets, one of the greatest joys of my life? If christy was still around, I'd never even think of leaving. If cookie was around, it'd be a very unlikely choice. With both gone, I'm at a loss. This part is afraid of having to make that tough choice, of having to get off the fence and wondering if the grass on the other side could have been greener.

I want to go UK, I want to find out what it's like to study and live in a foreign country, to see new sights and go on new adventures, to be with friends who are going there too and to learn to be a little more independent. But I want to stay here too, to be around during the last few years of my dogs's lives -- I don't want to hear of their passing on a phone call or in an email -- to enjoy the comfort of familiarity and know where I belong.

And one last part is also wondering how your choice will influence mine, but the thought of that is so frightening.  Everything will change soon, and maybe the choices will have been made for me.

Either way I will, or can, happy.