Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Comes great responsibility

Whenever someone's train of thought wanders into religious tracks, mine just short circuits. I guess this missing experience in life will greatly limit my ability to understand and empathize, but as I've already told seok, I'm not ready for a relationship with god.

Today's been a trying day, emotional conversation aside, earlier on I blew up over someone's blog post. Although you'll never know such a thing transpired, I apologise for all the nasty comments and eye twitches you possibly could have gotten. But still, I strongly disagree.

I loved my HC experience, not because it was a breeze or anything anyone could possibly imagine, but because it has shaped me into who I am. And I think HC will change every one of her students, for good or bad, and it depends on how you spent those 2 years and what you learnt from them. There are many things I got to enjoy in HC, for those I am grateful, and for those that I didn't get to enjoy, it was my fault for not fighting for them.

Being in GEP often meant more opportunities, but in HC that didn't really matter much anymore. It was more or less meritocratic, and it was unfortunate that the system to decide who was more deserving was based largely on grades. But to have gotten into HC most likely meant you were already on pretty level academic ability with the rest ( minus the geniuses and other exceptions). In the end, it was about how well you understood yourself -- which way of learning works best. Of course, there's discipline, motivation,  yada yada.

I don't like how you call HC an elitist school as if you were never considered part of this "elite". Don't act as if you never once felt at least a little proud of being in HC, of what being there signified about your academic achievements. HC supposedly only takes in students who do really well, so having been a student here already makes you an "elite". That's why people stereotype HC, because they think everyone in there is "really smart" since you actually have to be pretty smart to get in. And at one point in time, you were. But there are always people smarter than you, so you can't expect to do as well as you once did. That's what I learnt from my first 3 years in GEP, from being one of those top students to the poor sucker in every remedial class. I failed pretty much every subject during my school tests, so it was a humbling experience.

I'm glad I had friends in JC that kept me busy trying to catch up, because I would not have pushed myself that hard without them. I'm also glad for the help those who did well freely gave. They never once laughed at anyone who didn't do well, so i'm not sure who you've been hanging around.

In the end, I'm trying not to be judgmental because everyone's life has played out differently -- I don't know your story. But all I know is that there's always someone else better off, and someone else worse off; you can choose to be bitter or grateful.

And I'm not saying all these because I think I did well, and I confess that I'll never truly be able to grasp how you feel. But perhaps you know how I feel. Remember doing well in some major exam? Remember the expectations after that? Take that and magnify it over the rest of your life, over university choice and career paths. It's one thing to wish for good grades, another thing to actually get them and struggle to do them justice.


Thought occurred:
My time in HC was good, but not that it was always good. Rather, it was good for me (and didn't come with a nasty aftertaste).


Argh. This sucks. Decisions and deadlines.

On one hand, my grades can meet the offer.

On the other hand, my family is totally against me taking up that offer. I also cannot afford to do that. There's possibly only one scholarship in Singapore I can apply to. What are the chances? And even so, it won't exactly be what I want to do, but the closest I can get to it. It will also be a hell of a time catching up with the UK students. What if it doesn't work out? What if I hate the job that the bond entails. I won't have many career options with that degree.

I'm going to go back to the drawing board and reconsider other possibilities. Not today though, time to leave this to fester and go to sleep soon. Last day with Brian and Kristian tomorrow, should be fun ^^