Friday, September 27, 2013

Tongue tied

It's strange. When I'm alone and brooding, my thoughts make sense to me. When I try and talk about my thoughts to someone, I can't put it into words.

I realized I think in feelings and not words, ideas and not sentences. I can have a whole conversation with myself in my head and all it'll consist of is a bunch of unnamable feelings and senses and it'll end with a conviction. Which is confusing, because sometimes I think back and I would have the impression that I used a certain word with myself but in actual fact, I just felt something and I now have to search for a word to represent it.

On a side note, I'm typing this with the blogger app on my phone and I really like the font.

On another note, from today onwards things are going to get tough. Which means it's time to toughen up or I'll never get going haha. I'm ready for this. The coming 9 months will fly like the 4 months that have already flown by.


A leap of faith is more than just a jump into the unknown. I gotta keep moving forward; if I look back I am lost. 


The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it; seems like I've got a pretty big field to irrigate.

Monday, September 23, 2013


I haven't been here in awhile but I guess I just wanted to remind myself of what I've learnt in the past few weeks. Most of these lessons actually came from events that have happened/have been happening since some time ago but only occurred to me during this particularly introspective period.

1. Priorities
My most recent philosophy assignment was somewhat tangentially related to the reason for suffering in this world. Actually, it was more related to arguments against evil and the existence of God than anything else, but my personal takeaway was a lot less abstract. I've been resenting the virus running amok on my hands and feet but if everything happens for a reason, then this was probably to show me that I need to start taking better care of this perfectly-able vessel that I walk around in. 4 hours of sleep a day isn't sufficient. Not cleaning my room for weeks isn't an option. If I really want to get better I have to make some changes to the way I live. There's no cure the doctor can prescribe me, I just have to help my body fight the virus out of me.

2. Mirrors
Just because the past two projects I was involved in went well, doesn't mean that I did my job well. It took me awhile but I finally realised that I was pretty incompetent in quite a few areas and the only reason everything still went well was because the rest of the team picked up the slack. Where I failed, they saw and covered for me. I'm extremely grateful for having had the chance to work with a team so much more capable than me. I just wish I had realised this earlier so that I could have thanked them more than I already did. Looking back, there's so much I can learn from every one of them. Every strength I see in them reflects a weakness in me. I really have a lot to learn and improve on.

3. Character
I think this is not the first time I'm having an minor identity crisis. I think I actually have them regularly haha. But the fact that they continue shows how I've yet to work this out. It's not that I don't know who I am; there's just nothing to who I am. I need to figure what's the downstroke in my T. I need to start filling up the blank page that I am.

4. Steer
I've been drifting along wherever life takes me. Opportunities come and go; and that's all that happens. I need to start making decisions and taking action towards what I want to become. My first attempt at this was unsuccessful, and rejection kind of stings, but I guess that just means I need to try harder and more often. I'm a lot more hesitant now that I have a better idea of my inadequacy but I'll just have to find the right place to start learning. It's time to stop mass deleting all those school emails and start clicking on the "sign up" buttons.

I'm going to stop here because it's still recess week after all and I really should get started on work. I'm quite sure there were more things swimming around in my thoughts but I've lost them in the swirling mess that is my mind. I'll put them up here the next time they surface to bother me again.