Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sugar rush

Blatantly-in-your-face food porn hahaha~
Baked red velvet cupcakes yesterday (i.e. Tuesday), super moist super sweet super awesome (and super troublesome to make too!)


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

June Time Capsule

Someone up there is definitely laughing at me, and I'm not referring to those randy lizards that won't stop cackling. Oh wells, it's more a good thing than bad so I just gotta suck it up and keep moving forward.

Packed my desk today so it actually looks like a desk and not a giant pile of junk. I made a to-do list too so hopefully I will be steadily on my way to being ready for the start of school. I was also supposed to do a nice long post about everything that has happened but because I am, as usual, lazy, I'll just condense everything into a photo spam post, i.e. time capsule! So...

10 June

Bought hair dye from a totally random hair salon in dhoby ghaut and proceeded to make a weird dye-conditioner-peroxide concoction for the lower ends of my hair. My sis was having way too much fun and we had all sorts of arms, legs and foreheads dyed an unfortunate red. Oh my floor still looks like it has a bloodstain from this! Anyway, colour wasn't really obvious, ok there was no colour to speak of, but it's a little more visible now after one month. You just won't know it's there unless you know it's there heehee.

17 June

Last day at work and also the Race Day at Turf Club. I didn't get to use that likeaboss table since I was stationed at the registration booth downstairs with LC and LL. And I am going to shamelessly post nauseatingly couple-y photos because I don't think I'll have many more of them to post in the time to come T^T

22 June

After training one fine Friday, Ying and I went to Ikea for lunch and some random window shopping. Made a list of things to buy and when I actually went to get them a few days ago, I sort of bought wrong stuff. Argh, *facepalm*. Anyway, we also indulged in some lovely chocolate fondue at Anchorpoint. Ying had to rush off for her pilates after that while I tottered my way home and decided not to go for dance. Oh, something funny happened in between hahaha. On the bus to... red hill (?) mrt, ying heard some woman say something about how the mrt was the previous stop or something and then we  hurriedly got off the bus. It ended up being the wrong stop so we walked a couple of bus stops to the mrt station hahahaha. It was good for digestion lolol. Man, the fondue is making me hungry @@

24 - 25 June


A most awesome birthday with the besties <3 Picnic-ed at marina barrage where we barbarically tore apart a chicken (I happily saw-ed away at it with a blunt table knife) and fell in love with jen's supergood potato salad. Flied kites as well (technically one flew and landed in the water and we tried to fly the other hahas; but it was fun!) and took lots of funny jumpshots. When we were leaving, Joey proceeded to expertly blindfold me (notice the gap to breathe hahaha) and then we were off to marina bay sands. It was rather exciting except for the fact that I was worried I would tromp over little kids or walk into a sign post/pillar of some sort (from previous experiences, that's not very fun). Zinc marched me down to ArtScience and while we were waiting for stuff to get sorted, Ying happily 自拍-ed with me while I cluelessly stared into random directions. Oh I intentionally included that photo of me smiling stupidly in the wrong direction hahahahaha; I can't stop laughing every time I think about it. The Harry Potter Exhibition was supposed to be the surprise but LC sort of gave it away the day before. But it was good and I was surprised! Thanks so much guys <3 I really hadn't thought we'd be having such an eventful day. And I got to touch Snape's robes! Ok I was kind of groping away happily but wow~

After that was dinner at TCC (strangely we had dinner at TCC the year before for my birthday too ._.) and then back to Ying's house. Whadayaknow, there was a surprise cake *_* It was really good and pretty! Kind of like a megasized pimped up female oreo hahahaha nomz. Ying then unleashed her jelly shots on us and Joey ended up staying over with Zinc and I because the alcohol wasn't sitting well with her. I also discovered how sunburnt I was and it was "so unattractive", as LC described it the next day. Oops ^^ But it was altogether an amazing celebration and I don't think I thanked you guys enough for it. THANK YOUUUUU <333

25 June

Since I was too sunburnt to be seen in public, LC's dinner plans had to be rescheduled :( So sorry for making you cross the annoying causeway and then deny you good food! We ended up waiting a week before we had that dinner but I'll get to that in another post ^^ Anyway, we had a nice lazy day instead. I spent lots of time whining about my cooked skin while we watched videos on his lappie (I think his mac would be insulted at being called such an undignified name hahaha). He also gave me a really pretty card; thank you <3

27 June

Hahahaha as the picture depicts quite well, I went to Musee for underarms hair removal *coughs* Anyway, it might get a bit too detailed for some so skip this paragraph and the next if this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable :) Basically, I bought a groupon and decided to use it at the Scotts Square branch. They sort of cover your eyes first before cleaning and shaving your underarms. Then they apply a gel and zap away. It was surprisingly fast and painless. And not as awkward as I thought it would be. And I totally didnt look as poised as that woman in their picture; I felt more like a gorilla with my arms held up above my head hahaha. Kind of like this?

Except the woman working on me was really nice and professional about it. I was lying down and she just did her thing while letting me know what she was doing. The hair was supposed to fall off on its own within the next two weeks and I don't remember noticing any sudden shedding but it should have happened. I sort of have bald patches there now hahahaha. Whee I'm looking forward to the day where the whole area stays permanently bare :D Can't imagine shaving for the next 70 years of my life ._.

After that I vaguely recall heading to Little Book Shop at Siglap to meet Zinc and Ying. We had their waffles with ice cream and then popped over to Starbucks to try their new drinks with the 1-for-1 promo. The green tea with red bean really was just green tea with red bean :( The Hojicha tea was nice though!

Dinner was at some restaurant at Joo Chiat and there was a mini hoo-ha about our undercooked chili crab. Sort of ruined the dinner and there was a moment where we wondered if the chef would come out and start something @@

I can't remember what happened on the last few days of June unfortunately. If it comes to me I'll post, gosh this post is already too damn long. Tata!

Monday, July 09, 2012

Bury me in a cloud

I have lots to update about what's been happening but I just never feel up to typing those posts. Recently, I've been feeling... frightened. I also had a sleepless night yesterday so while I curled up under my blanket trying not to think of a cat I miss so terribly, my thoughts started to get a little depressing.

I'm 19 now, and I know I still haven't posted about how the day went. (Thank you jojenyingzinc for the amazing surprise! I'll do a nice long post about it soon. It can't have been that long ago since I'm still peeling from my sunburn lol). Anyway, 19 feels scarily old because I'm only a year away from being 20 and after that, time just flies until suddenly you realise you're having a mid-life crisis at 39. It made me want to make this year count. I want the time between 25/06/2012 and 25/06/2013 to be special and unforgettable. Because I thought back about how I spent my 18th year and I realised it wasn't a very encouraging period of time in my life.

I just looked through some of my older posts during that year and encountered a quote that pretty much foreshadowed whatever was to come.

"So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free."
- Tom Robbins

I failed in so many things that year. I'm talking about the things that matter where failing doesn't mean scoring below 50%. If I were to go about this in a chronological order...

1. InterJCs in July.
Countless trainings all for one day and I had to catch a fever out of nowhere. It was one of the most frustrating moments ever. I tried to not get too upset over it but no words can describe how miserable I feel to never truly know what it would have been like playing hard on the fields with the team. It's not much I know, but then again it's something I'll never know. Watching the juniors train on Saturday for their InterJCs made me feel irrationally envious.

The next few months from July to November simply passed in a blur of studying and UK applications. I have nothing much to say about the studying except that I just hope that I can find the same determination and motivation again. More on this later because we all know where that's heading.

2. Cookie.
What can I say here? I was too busy having fun to be around on his last day. I was too busy studying the previous few months to be with him. I'm not going to delve into that that pit of regrets because then I wouldn't be able to make it through this post.

3. UK vetmed applications.
I've whined enough about this I guess. Making it official on UCAS was painful but it hasn't been the worst part. I've accepted it. The bitter aftertaste just won't go away. It's going to be especially hard seeing so many people go on to do what they want to do in life. More enviousness. But that's the way life is, you can't always get what you want.

4. Scholarship applications.
Getting accepted by the UK schools was rather confidence-boosting but after being rejected by all 5 scholarship boards, my ego is about as battered as it can be already. It just makes me wonder if I'm going to fuck up uni. It's frightening to know that you aren't as comfortably plotted on the bell curve as you hoped you were. In biz school, it's going to be a whole new game all together. I worry about the choices I've made, particularly this. Yes, I put all my eggs in one basket and when that didn't work out I floundered about and made reckless decisions. I committed the next 5 years of my life to studying two courses I don't really know much about. It feels so different from vetmed, where I had actually sought work experience and prepared myself for what to expect. 

5. Work.
In some ways, this was bittersweet. I got my first job, and it wasn't bad, but it was nowhere near what I had in mind when I first went looking for one. I wanted a job with animals but I ended up behind a desk. I was supposed to continue my volunteering and stable work but that eventually died off too. I just let myself fade away into mindlessly dragging myself to the office and working late too often. A scholarship interviewer called me naive and idealistic. Back then I felt indignant about it because I didn't think there was anything wrong with believing in a dream and having hope. Nowadays, I just feel pretty empty.

I think I forgot something in my last few months as an 18-year-old. Or perhaps I've just stashed it away in a dusty corner of my mind. I had a blogpost titled "where did the fight go" some time ago. I don't remember what the post was referring to but I can't help asking myself this question now. I spent my 18th year getting mentally beaten up and I just feel tired from all that crap.

In the end, I'd be a different person now if everything had gone my way. But things didn't so here I am, feeling so tempted to just be bitter and angry. But I don't want my 19th year to continue down the same track. Being 18 was a year of loss -- I lost a day that will never happen again, a beloved friend, a dream, confidence and spirit.

I'm only 19 and I'm so tired already. On some days, it's easy to ignore these feelings. But when I think about how I've spent the past 7 months since the end of "A" levels, I worry that the rest of my life will be one of such... aimlessness. Recently, someone and I realised how we've lost that something that made everything exciting. I really want to be excited about being 19. I just feel so afraid.

Hopefully it'll be different when I wake up in the morning; when the relentless Singapore sunshine has chased these shadows of doubt away, I'll be that ol' annoyingly over-happy person again.