There's this uncomfortable knot of feelings stuck in my chest. A massive tangle of feelings about the end of the first academic year, my poor academic performance, my friendships, the future, the past... everything. And it keeps growing; after every paper more webs of disappointment and bitter-sweet relief weaves itself in and the knot gets bigger. Excitement's there too. The days are counting down. Fear. There's a lot of fear. I'm so very afraid of this summer and what it means. For everything. So many things. I don't want to study for my Monday paper. I want to sit in a corner, float away and let my subconscious debug itself.
I'm starting this at 3.40am. I'm not sure why, except too many musings have hit me and I don't want to forget them. I'm in the lounge at angsana now; was catching up on webcasts with two other engineering students who are trying to complete their tutorial.
I add the context for a reason. They love what they're doing; they believe in the work that engineers do. It's crazy. The sheer amount of school work they have is frightening but they want to be engineers and it becomes worth it. One of them once told me that he treats his work seriously because he knows that in the future, he, through his work, will be responsible for the lives of others. I respect him a lot for that. Sometimes I wish more people think like him.
Generally, it seems that many of the people I've met are doing what they want. I'm envious. One guy in my OG wants to be an economics professor in the future; he literally lives on econs now. It's amazing how passion makes such a huge difference. I wish I knew how that felt. It makes me wonder what I'd be like if I weren't studying biz.
But I know that's not a path I should let my mind wander down any longer. I tried to get a second chance but sometimes there's no such thing as second chances. I did what I could and submitted my scholarship applications but no reply came back. Guess that's the way it is; there's a time for everything and you only get one chance in life. Strangely, a line from the Harry Potter books came to me today. It's by Dumbledore: "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." That line is so apt I don't know why I've never recalled it before today. But it's true. I need to stop dwelling on an impossible dream and move on. I need to stop thinking of biz as a temporary thing but as a permanent path in my life. I'm a business student and that won't change anymore. I need to look at what I'm doing in NUS and sort my plans out; no more hovering in the limbo of "I might drop out and change to vet" because there's no more "might". I never will; there's no point hoping for that interview email because if it were coming, it would have came earlier. I should know since after all, I've gone through this once already. And I screwed up. It's time to face reality.
And it's a depressing reality. I feel miserable surrounded by people who are doing what they want while I slog away at a course that I don't enjoy. The sad thing is, I can't be who I want to be so I simply try to be the best that I can be. But it's hard; there are days where I feel like I should just not bother with my school work because I don't see any point in it.
The only lucky thing is that there's no one else in biz from my angsana OG. My OG has become some of my closest NUS friends so that just means I'm not close to anyone from biz. I don't do my work with any biz friends, I don't go to biz lectures with any friends, I don't choose modules/tutorials with any biz friends. Somehow, I really like that. There's hardly any peer pressure at all. The very nature of biz makes it a very competitive course and I relish this freedom from having people I need to keep up with or compare my performance to. It's just OTOT for me. That's the only silver lining I have. I see so many opportunities to become closer friends with people but I don't take them. I worry about that; so much about biz hangs on networking. I need to stop trying to distance myself from a reality that I can't change.
But that's easier said than done. I wish I knew someone in a similar situation but again, so many people seem to be doing what they want. And I don't think I'm heading anywhere with this; I mostly wanted to get it off my mind. It's 4.14am now so I'll get back to my econs.
How does time pass so fast! Recess week is ending and I've barely done any revision :/ WY scolded me for procrastinating so much *sigh* I needed to hear it and it made me sad but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm procrastinating. As usual... Bad habits are so hard to break! And I really really have to be more efficient when doing work, I take triple the amount of time any other person would take to complete something!
That's probably why I don't feel like I've gotten anything done this academic year. Like done and not done, cause it's not about finishing work but actually doing something? Even when training for ICG I was lazy :( It rained every training session in the last 2 weeks so we just cancelled training since we're not allowed to throw frisbees in the college hall. I just wished I'd thought of an alternative and played simulation frisbee or something hahas. Like using a netball (which for some odd reason is allowed) to practice vert stack so that we wouldn't have to teach everyone that on the day itself minutes before our games. Gosh :/ What a wasted opportunity. But that aside, I might just continue the ultimate interest group Cynthia started. It sort of self-destructed after she left the college hahas.
Anyway, time to stop procrastinating and go down for dinner hahaha
Would you do something you don't believe in? But what if you think it would be the right thing to do?
The topic of religion has been on my mind this past few days at my uncle's wake. There are certain essential practices of a funeral and yet it's visible how that religious belief has faded through the generations. This isn't my religion -- not that I had any to start with -- but I still feel strange witnessing the tradition die out. We don't mind helping out with certain things, but the family doesn't wish to do it and so we step back and let them do it the way they prefer. Somehow that makes me feel guilty; why.
What's going to happen when our time comes? I call myself a "free-thinker" but that's a rose-tinted label for someone who simply has no faith. I wonder what faith my children, if I do end up having any, will believe in? For someone with no religion, how would they send me off? Perhaps it'll just mean that they can skip ahead to a quick trip to the crematorium. Such depressing thoughts. Then again, why should I mind? I don't actually believe in anything after all. But yet, I don't disbelieve. So where does that leave me?
Wow it's been so long since my last post :O Anyway, lots of stuff have happened since the start of the year. Basically I... Spent more time at the shelter, read more books (I'm on the 'Song of Ice and Fire' series now! It's awesome!), tried to catch up on sleep, played a little more Ultimate, did more work for Open House, moved back into Angsana, started school, started lagging behind in schoolwork (how does time pass so fast!), ate a lot of junk food and started driving lessons! I'd like to post more but I just spent my whole weekend reading Book 2 in the series so time to get started on my readings for my lesson tomorrow! Ta ta~
Merry Christmas everyone, I hope your's is turning out better than mine. A new year is coming soon but I'm not ready for it. It's so hard to let go and move on from all that happened this year. 2012 held some of the happiest times of my life and some of the worst. It hurts so much; if I didn't have so much to do and so many books to read I'd just lie in bed all day and disappear piece by piece.
"Belief isn't simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief - what is faith - if you don't continue in it after failure?"
- Mistborn trilogy
Stories are an amazing thing. Fantasy stories, especially. I've been reading every chance I got this past week ever since I went to the library on last Sunday (finally!). Quick recap before I end up in one of those pointless moods!
17 dec: Went for a HC training but mostly stood around collecting mud. It's embarrasing how I've forgotten how to play zone offence hahas. Open House meeting at Angsana in the evening, slept over. KFC dinner, yumz.
18 dec: Dragged myself up really really early in the morning to go to ACRES, was so envious of Sh and CC who were happily snoozing away hahas. Helped out for a full day shift although I had intended to leave after the morning shift, I guess it's not like I had anything else to do :/ Went back to Angsana to pick up my stuff before going home, sis bought Macs dinner for us (I see a really bad trend starting)
19 dec: Hardcore reading day hahas
20 dec: Volunteered for NUS CSC's christmas event at a hospice, it was eye-opening and fun. The horse betting game brought back memories :/ Went to town, had Carl's Junior for dinner (and the trend continues!), watched Life of Pi. Conquered... something that day. Let's just say I made myself do something I've always wanted to be capable of doing but was too afraid to; I hope that mean's I'm moving forward.
21 dec: Watched Rise of the Guardians with J at Tampines, we were both late and missed the first 30 minutes of the movie hahaha. It was a nice heart-warming movie, and Jack Frost made excellent eye candy hahas. Such big eyes and those shaggy bangs of his... *fangirls* hahaha. Went back home and Jo tried to take photos of the dogs; there's this really cute one of Amber, will upload my favourites after I've sorted through them. Oh and sis got a bunny! It's so cute *aww*
22 dec: Indoor Christmas Hat at HC, woke up with a terrible headache (perhaps I shouldn't have read so much the day before, oops) and almost didn't go for Hat. Going back to HC was harder than I'd thought it would be but Hat was still awesome fun; had Macs lunch with the rest of the 4th batch who went. Wanted to crash when I got home but I started reading and just couldn't stop.
23 dec: Mum literally had to drag me out of bed this morning. Visited grandma, haven't been going much since I spent quite a number of weekends at Angsana or just staying at home. Spent even more time reading hahas, I'm on the 3rd book in the Mistborn trilogy and it's amazing. I'm probably going to stay up late reading it again even though I have to be up early to go to Angsana.
About reading... it's good. It's a really effective distraction that occupies any spare time I have. It stops my mind from wandering into places better left forgotten and gives me something to do instead of lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep.
As a side thought, I've recently changed in more ways that I initially realised and I can't say it's all for the better. Trust plays a big part in the story in the Mistborn trilogy. Coincidentally, it also happens to be something I've been thinking about. Life's full of lessons and I guess I've gotten mine on trust.