Friday, March 02, 2012

now or never

12 more hours, wow. It seemed so far away when we finished the last paper, and I can't seem to fathom how time managed to pass so fast.

Whatever happens tomorrow, I guess I'll be relieved one way or the other.

A part of me wants to get the 4 H2 As; that part wants to go to the UK and study vet med, to be amazed and achieve something that deep down inside I've always dreamed of but never dared to try for until last year -- that part is longing for something extraordinary and wonderful.

The other part of me is afraid of getting those As, because it'll only take me one step closer to that elusive dream. That part is scared to death of what would happen if I get the grades but not the scholarship, to have hoped so much and gotten so close just to miss at the very last moment. But that part is also scared that despite the odds, I actually get the grades and scholarship. What would I do then? Could I really bear to leave all that I've held dear? Family, slightly dysfunctional and all, and pets, one of the greatest joys of my life? If christy was still around, I'd never even think of leaving. If cookie was around, it'd be a very unlikely choice. With both gone, I'm at a loss. This part is afraid of having to make that tough choice, of having to get off the fence and wondering if the grass on the other side could have been greener.

I want to go UK, I want to find out what it's like to study and live in a foreign country, to see new sights and go on new adventures, to be with friends who are going there too and to learn to be a little more independent. But I want to stay here too, to be around during the last few years of my dogs's lives -- I don't want to hear of their passing on a phone call or in an email -- to enjoy the comfort of familiarity and know where I belong.

And one last part is also wondering how your choice will influence mine, but the thought of that is so frightening.  Everything will change soon, and maybe the choices will have been made for me.

Either way I will, or can, happy.