Sunday, April 15, 2012

because a lie becomes the truth

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of doing business instead of vet med; it's just so hard to comprehend. Thinking about vet med, imagining studying overseas and doing the things I love, those were what got me through the bullshit that was A's. It sucks that I did everything I could and everything still went crashing down in 10minutes. 10 minutes was all they could spare to give me a chance. It's true I wasn't that sure about vet med, mostly because I worried that I would hate working at AVA. Regardless, I knew I would never get to work as a vet in the way I wanted no matter what I did. It was all about studying what I loved. So I guess I got the sign I was looking for.

This is one of those times I wish I had a religion. I need something to believe in, some all-knowing deity I can trust who knows what's right for me. But at the moment I still just feel like I fucked up.

I told someone that sometimes you just need a dream. You don't have to achieve it, it's the thrill of the chase. At this point in my life, I can't do what I love because I don't have five hundred thousand dollars to pay for school fees and everything else involved in studying overseas. Hell, thinking someone would invest that much money in me was just me being unrealistic. Studying business is the course that gives me the greatest freedom in career choice right now since I don't know what I want anymore. Who knows, maybe one day this passion will die out and I will fall head over heels in love with some other career. Or if I can't let it go then maybe when I'm old, gray and wrinkly (but wealthy hahaha!) I'll drop everything and run off to do what I can't now.

At least I don't have to give up the other things I love. I'll have ultimate here in Singapore. Family, however cruel they can be, is still something I treasure. The dogs, prince, maybe another cat too! If I get into UTRP, I'll still learn a little independence, gain a little freedom, but all with the safety and comfort of the familiar. I sense that I'm repeating my earlier posts already but I need to remind myself that there are many routes to happiness and I don't always know which will be mine. There are others who will study what they want and live their dream. I know that won't be me. It'll take time, and I will be a terribly angsty bitch, but eventually I'll get over this and move on. I'll find a way to dig myself out of this pit of despair and find the joy in life again.

I just hope I'll still get my once-a-week lessons even though I won't be going to vet school anymore. I won't get to apply those lessons but I still want to learn everything I can. And I'll really miss grooming the horses. I wonder if my two kids have forgotten about me after I missed sidewalking for two sessions :(