So you say

This space has been so dead but I'm still here! Sort of :/ I've had too many things to do so far, and there's many more still to do. Too many late nights 2am mornings, too many failed attempts at squeezing onto D2 feeder buses, too many wasted hours of falling asleep in lectures. I need to pull myself together, like seriously. That dreaded day is coming soon and till then, and after that, I'll have to keep kicking my ass to stay busy and not just degenerate into a staring-out-the-window-phantom like a certain vampire-obsessed girl. Especially since the view out of my Angsana room is kind of dreary.

Anyway, my phone semi-bricked itself yesterday (my whatsapp won't work, that's almost as bad as being phone-less!) so I'll probably have to revert it or... something T^T

follow the fools

Prince has such long whiskers ^^

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Anyway the camps are over and I've moved random bits and pieces to my room at Angsana. Will do a July time capsule soon! Oh and yes, Happy National Day! ^^

Sugar rush

Blatantly-in-your-face food porn hahaha~

Baked red velvet cupcakes yesterday (i.e. Tuesday), super moist super sweet super awesome (and super troublesome to make too!)

*chomps*

June Time Capsule

Someone up there is definitely laughing at me, and I'm not referring to those randy lizards that won't stop cackling. Oh wells, it's more a good thing than bad so I just gotta suck it up and keep moving forward.

Packed my desk today so it actually looks like a desk and not a giant pile of junk. I made a to-do list too so hopefully I will be steadily on my way to being ready for the start of school. I was also supposed to do a nice long post about everything that has happened but because I am, as usual, lazy, I'll just condense everything into a photo spam post, i.e. time capsule! So...

10 June

Bought hair dye from a totally random hair salon in dhoby ghaut and proceeded to make a weird dye-conditioner-peroxide concoction for the lower ends of my hair. My sis was having way too much fun and we had all sorts of arms, legs and foreheads dyed an unfortunate red. Oh my floor still looks like it has a bloodstain from this! Anyway, colour wasn't really obvious, ok there was no colour to speak of, but it's a little more visible now after one month. You just won't know it's there unless you know it's there heehee.

17 June

Last day at work and also the Race Day at Turf Club. I didn't get to use that likeaboss table since I was stationed at the registration booth downstairs with LC and LL. And I am going to shamelessly post nauseatingly couple-y photos because I don't think I'll have many more of them to post in the time to come T^T

22 June

After training one fine Friday, Ying and I went to Ikea for lunch and some random window shopping. Made a list of things to buy and when I actually went to get them a few days ago, I sort of bought wrong stuff. Argh, *facepalm*. Anyway, we also indulged in some lovely chocolate fondue at Anchorpoint. Ying had to rush off for her pilates after that while I tottered my way home and decided not to go for dance. Oh, something funny happened in between hahaha. On the bus to... red hill (?) mrt, ying heard some woman say something about how the mrt was the previous stop or something and then we  hurriedly got off the bus. It ended up being the wrong stop so we walked a couple of bus stops to the mrt station hahahaha. It was good for digestion lolol. Man, the fondue is making me hungry @@

24 - 25 June

 

A most awesome birthday with the besties <3 Picnic-ed at marina barrage where we barbarically tore apart a chicken (I happily saw-ed away at it with a blunt table knife) and fell in love with jen's supergood potato salad. Flied kites as well (technically one flew and landed in the water and we tried to fly the other hahas; but it was fun!) and took lots of funny jumpshots. When we were leaving, Joey proceeded to expertly blindfold me (notice the gap to breathe hahaha) and then we were off to marina bay sands. It was rather exciting except for the fact that I was worried I would tromp over little kids or walk into a sign post/pillar of some sort (from previous experiences, that's not very fun). Zinc marched me down to ArtScience and while we were waiting for stuff to get sorted, Ying happily 自拍-ed with me while I cluelessly stared into random directions. Oh I intentionally included that photo of me smiling stupidly in the wrong direction hahahahaha; I can't stop laughing every time I think about it. The Harry Potter Exhibition was supposed to be the surprise but LC sort of gave it away the day before. But it was good and I was surprised! Thanks so much guys <3 I really hadn't thought we'd be having such an eventful day. And I got to touch Snape's robes! Ok I was kind of groping away happily but wow~

After that was dinner at TCC (strangely we had dinner at TCC the year before for my birthday too ._.) and then back to Ying's house. Whadayaknow, there was a surprise cake *_* It was really good and pretty! Kind of like a megasized pimped up female oreo hahahaha nomz. Ying then unleashed her jelly shots on us and Joey ended up staying over with Zinc and I because the alcohol wasn't sitting well with her. I also discovered how sunburnt I was and it was "so unattractive", as LC described it the next day. Oops ^^ But it was altogether an amazing celebration and I don't think I thanked you guys enough for it. THANK YOUUUUU <333

25 June

Since I was too sunburnt to be seen in public, LC's dinner plans had to be rescheduled :( So sorry for making you cross the annoying causeway and then deny you good food! We ended up waiting a week before we had that dinner but I'll get to that in another post ^^ Anyway, we had a nice lazy day instead. I spent lots of time whining about my cooked skin while we watched videos on his lappie (I think his mac would be insulted at being called such an undignified name hahaha). He also gave me a really pretty card; thank you <3


27 June

Hahahaha as the picture depicts quite well, I went to Musee for underarms hair removal *coughs* Anyway, it might get a bit too detailed for some so skip this paragraph and the next if this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable :) Basically, I bought a groupon and decided to use it at the Scotts Square branch. They sort of cover your eyes first before cleaning and shaving your underarms. Then they apply a gel and zap away. It was surprisingly fast and painless. And not as awkward as I thought it would be. And I totally didnt look as poised as that woman in their picture; I felt more like a gorilla with my arms held up above my head hahaha. Kind of like this?

Except the woman working on me was really nice and professional about it. I was lying down and she just did her thing while letting me know what she was doing. The hair was supposed to fall off on its own within the next two weeks and I don't remember noticing any sudden shedding but it should have happened. I sort of have bald patches there now hahahaha. Whee I'm looking forward to the day where the whole area stays permanently bare :D Can't imagine shaving for the next 70 years of my life ._.

After that I vaguely recall heading to Little Book Shop at Siglap to meet Zinc and Ying. We had their waffles with ice cream and then popped over to Starbucks to try their new drinks with the 1-for-1 promo. The green tea with red bean really was just green tea with red bean :( The Hojicha tea was nice though!

Dinner was at some restaurant at Joo Chiat and there was a mini hoo-ha about our undercooked chili crab. Sort of ruined the dinner and there was a moment where we wondered if the chef would come out and start something @@

I can't remember what happened on the last few days of June unfortunately. If it comes to me I'll post, gosh this post is already too damn long. Tata!

Bury me in a cloud

I have lots to update about what's been happening but I just never feel up to typing those posts. Recently, I've been feeling... frightened. I also had a sleepless night yesterday so while I curled up under my blanket trying not to think of a cat I miss so terribly, my thoughts started to get a little depressing.

I'm 19 now, and I know I still haven't posted about how the day went. (Thank you jojenyingzinc for the amazing surprise! I'll do a nice long post about it soon. It can't have been that long ago since I'm still peeling from my sunburn lol). Anyway, 19 feels scarily old because I'm only a year away from being 20 and after that, time just flies until suddenly you realise you're having a mid-life crisis at 39. It made me want to make this year count. I want the time between 25/06/2012 and 25/06/2013 to be special and unforgettable. Because I thought back about how I spent my 18th year and I realised it wasn't a very encouraging period of time in my life.

I just looked through some of my older posts during that year and encountered a quote that pretty much foreshadowed whatever was to come.

"So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free."
- Tom Robbins

I failed in so many things that year. I'm talking about the things that matter where failing doesn't mean scoring below 50%. If I were to go about this in a chronological order...

1. InterJCs in July.
Countless trainings all for one day and I had to catch a fever out of nowhere. It was one of the most frustrating moments ever. I tried to not get too upset over it but no words can describe how miserable I feel to never truly know what it would have been like playing hard on the fields with the team. It's not much I know, but then again it's something I'll never know. Watching the juniors train on Saturday for their InterJCs made me feel irrationally envious.

The next few months from July to November simply passed in a blur of studying and UK applications. I have nothing much to say about the studying except that I just hope that I can find the same determination and motivation again. More on this later because we all know where that's heading.

2. Cookie.
What can I say here? I was too busy having fun to be around on his last day. I was too busy studying the previous few months to be with him. I'm not going to delve into that that pit of regrets because then I wouldn't be able to make it through this post.

3. UK vetmed applications.
I've whined enough about this I guess. Making it official on UCAS was painful but it hasn't been the worst part. I've accepted it. The bitter aftertaste just won't go away. It's going to be especially hard seeing so many people go on to do what they want to do in life. More enviousness. But that's the way life is, you can't always get what you want.

4. Scholarship applications.
Getting accepted by the UK schools was rather confidence-boosting but after being rejected by all 5 scholarship boards, my ego is about as battered as it can be already. It just makes me wonder if I'm going to fuck up uni. It's frightening to know that you aren't as comfortably plotted on the bell curve as you hoped you were. In biz school, it's going to be a whole new game all together. I worry about the choices I've made, particularly this. Yes, I put all my eggs in one basket and when that didn't work out I floundered about and made reckless decisions. I committed the next 5 years of my life to studying two courses I don't really know much about. It feels so different from vetmed, where I had actually sought work experience and prepared myself for what to expect. 

5. Work.
In some ways, this was bittersweet. I got my first job, and it wasn't bad, but it was nowhere near what I had in mind when I first went looking for one. I wanted a job with animals but I ended up behind a desk. I was supposed to continue my volunteering and stable work but that eventually died off too. I just let myself fade away into mindlessly dragging myself to the office and working late too often. A scholarship interviewer called me naive and idealistic. Back then I felt indignant about it because I didn't think there was anything wrong with believing in a dream and having hope. Nowadays, I just feel pretty empty.

I think I forgot something in my last few months as an 18-year-old. Or perhaps I've just stashed it away in a dusty corner of my mind. I had a blogpost titled "where did the fight go" some time ago. I don't remember what the post was referring to but I can't help asking myself this question now. I spent my 18th year getting mentally beaten up and I just feel tired from all that crap.

In the end, I'd be a different person now if everything had gone my way. But things didn't so here I am, feeling so tempted to just be bitter and angry. But I don't want my 19th year to continue down the same track. Being 18 was a year of loss -- I lost a day that will never happen again, a beloved friend, a dream, confidence and spirit.

I'm only 19 and I'm so tired already. On some days, it's easy to ignore these feelings. But when I think about how I've spent the past 7 months since the end of "A" levels, I worry that the rest of my life will be one of such... aimlessness. Recently, someone and I realised how we've lost that something that made everything exciting. I really want to be excited about being 19. I just feel so afraid.

Hopefully it'll be different when I wake up in the morning; when the relentless Singapore sunshine has chased these shadows of doubt away, I'll be that ol' annoyingly over-happy person again.

pigsterhood

I really need to start making plans on what I will do before my life degenerates into a giant mash of bed book food. I MUST PLAN!!

When I wake up later, hopefully before 10am, I WILL MEET YING FOR LUNCH/BRUNCH. Then we will pick up zinc, who is finally peeling from Sunday hahaha, and we will have a cultured afternoon trying to bang some piano bits into me. Sounds totally achievable. Then dinner with the silly boy and if I'm feeling disciplined, bedtime by midnight (unlike tonight oops).

I AM SUCH AN OMGROF-SLOTH (OMGROFS!) *pencil roll*

On a side note, I'm amazed how I haven't burst the limit on my NETS/debit card after my recent splurging. Ordered Supre, Threadless (omg 209.82USD wtfhowdidthathappen, the 9.99 sales are plain cruel T^T) and  today I went on a shopping trip cleverly disguised as a running-errands trip to get my ink stamps and bag. And other random stuff that I happily got distracted by along the way hahahaha. Camped at The Little Book Shop and Starbucks with ying+zinc to have waffles and well, starbucks. The new Hojicha drink is pretty nice! Green tea red bean is really just the green tea frappe with red beans, I'm pretty disappointed although I'm not exactly sure what I had been expecting to start with. Oh I finally read the first few pages of my BTT book! Achievement unlocked hahaha! #likeasloth

I'm in a really self-amusing mood at the moment whee~~ I'm also afraid to log into my ibanking to find out what's left of my account. I can't bear to look at the piteous remains of my 3-months' pay.

~~~~~$$$$$$ [    ]

And that is an emoticon of money flying out a window hahahaha. Right, self-amusement HAHAHA. Ok I need to stop being creepyweird. Oh yeah, I don't know if he comes here BUT OMG DUDE YOU MUST STOP STALKING MY SIS PLEASEEEEEZ. That stalking counts as being creepyweird too!

Goodnight world~!

Touching base

Hello, quick update on life~~

I've ended work already with my last day being last Sunday on the 17th. Walked away with a couple of abrasions after breaking in a new pair of heels oops. The day before, my auntie and I did some crude tinkering with the heels to make them fit better hahaha. She actually sewed the straps tighter so... who knew that could be done? Good thing she did though, I was tottering after the MP who just dashed right through registration and almost went off without us even realising he was the VIP. Anyway, it was Race Day so I finally set foot in the Turf Club and tried my hand at losing money. It was just too tempting with the crazy convenience of verbal betting counters with no queue. The whole venue just looked so posh, too bad I don't have the photos we took inside the dining area. Need to figure out who has them~~ It was a happy-sad last day, really exciting but somehow I'll miss my colleagues. The hugs and well-wishes were really nice :') Nevertheless, I won't miss waking up early every morning, squeezing on to MRTs to get to work and staring at the computer screen for hours on end. Not that I don't still stare at the computer screen a lot hee hee. But honestly, for a first job I think I've had a pretty fun experience. Who normally shops for computers and washing machines at work??? Preparing for the Ball and Race Day was nice too; I'm really happy both events turned out great and I got to attend them. (even though I sort of lost my day's pay at the Race Day, I can see why it's so addictive) I wonder if they've found a replacement for me yet :/

That aside, I've just confirmed my room for Angsana. Single corridor room with aircon! ^^ I'm really looking forward to checking in and all. It's so exciting to sort of be "moving out". So much more freedom but also so many more responsibilities. I have a feeling I'll just end up rewearing clothes a lot because I'll forget to wash them hahaha. I just really hope I don't hate my course/totally suck at it. Somehow I need to try and remember what studying feels like. Oh, I guess I should get to work on reading my BTT book hahas. Oh and I think I'll be bringing in lots of furniture to pimp my room hahaha. Too bad bathrobes are not considered appropriate attire, cause since I opted for a single gender floor I was hoping I could just go back and forth between the toilet and my room in a bathrobe instead of carrying all my clothes all over the place. I imagine the sight of me wandering about in a giant grey bathrobe with pink polka dots might be too traumatising hahas.

I'm gonna go get ready for bed now so that this panadol can fully kick in. Thanks to someone I can't get the image of grilled salmon pasta out of my head T_T

A random pointless rant

NEW LAPPIE! I can't believe how long I spent at the IT fair on friday and saturday, but after walking around being fickle for hours and hours I left at around 9+pm (the fair closed at 9 hahaha) on saturday with a samsung series 5 ultrabook. I hate to say it but on the outside it's mind-numbingly boring. It's a dull silver-grey that's about one shade darker than silas. What a terrible waste because the screen is awesome! It's a good thing I'll be spending more time looking at the screen than at the cover. The keyboard is pretty alright but not as pretty as the series 7's (who can resist backlit keyboards! They look like stepping stones to heaven which is totally what the screen is on the 15.6" version! I literally sighed in happiness just staring at that screen) If I were a guy (meaning taller, buffer and stronger; and possibly more into gaming meaning more sedentary use of a computer) I'd have gotten that and just carried that 2+kg work of art around because it's all worth it. Then every time I open it up I can just sigh in bliss ^^

Anyway, I still got the series 5 even though I hated how it looked but I was trying very hard to be less superficial. It's not to the point of hideous but it's kinda... ugly. And most likely going to be very common and even more boring. But those are really superficial points. Once I start using it and forget that it looks like a dead slab of rock I'm a satisfied girl. But still... there were prettier models. I liked how the super new 15.6" series 9 model looked but the keyboard was so flat and spaced-out I couldn't type on it at all. I like my keys to be springy ^^ The cheapest version of the series 9 was pretty nice too, except its 128SSD was a major turnoff because I'm a hoarder of all things useless and space-consuming. Actually, that 128SSD applied for a lot of ultrabook-type laptops :/ Oh and it was also 13.3" which is wayyyyyyyyy too tiny.

I'm not even sure why I bought the series 5. I never considered it until people started telling me about how buying a Dell laptop would be like "digging my own grave". (Ahem~) No one seemed to be able to explain why Dell is so bad but it was kind of worrying to realise it has such a terrible reputation. Or maybe it's just a lack of marketing? But the Dell Inspiron 14z was really appealing for me and I would have gotten it if not for all the advice against it and the extremely disappointing laptop screen. Everything else was pretty groovy, especially since it's processor is newer than the s5's and it has a much more unique look and feel. I can't get over how the s5 looks like Silas' anorexic clone. I need to name my s5 soon and maybe after it starts kicking my ass at chess I'll grow a little more fond of it. I'm still typing this on Silas though! For a Lenovo I'm really proud of it even though it's a lot slower now and my battery life is approximately 10minutes. The graphic card seems to have big issues too with my screen blacking out quite often. Oh well, these things happen with old age. (When I'm old and cranky I'd be lazy and slow too) The most important point is that Silas and I have history *big hug* ^^

Wow. I can't believe I spent this whole post talking about my lappies @@

aftertaste

OMG WHY YOU HICCUP KEEP COMING BACK @#%$#^!@##

On a side note, how did one day pass so quickly?!!

I heard you were a wild one

It was a crazy night yesterday, got home at 2am totally exhausted. I can't believe how good the event turned out; the decorations were amazing and the arena was totally transformed. The guests were also all dressed in theme and some costumes were just amazing. There were even people going around with the giant red indian feather headgear. Some dude was in a horse suit that sorta looked like this

except he was all dressed up too as a cowboy. The horse head was just flying around wildly when he was jumping about on the dance floor. Some dancing couple also tried to do a dip and it was so sweet; they seemed a bit drunk though hahas. Oh and there were so many awesome fake mustaches going around and the people actually looked good in them cause they were Caucasian! Lots of cool accents flying around the whole night too. And hot guys and super sexy women @@ They're so very different from Singaporeans.

Food was pretty disappointing cause I missed the beef sirloin (whyyyyyy!); goodwood park how can you call it a buffet and run out of beef! Oh wells, at least I didn't pay $230 for a ticket @@ The beer was surprisingly nice! Very smooth and we were drinking it most of the night because no one seemed to be serving water. Tried the champagne and white and red wines too, pretty meh~~ Nearing the end of the event things started to get messy and everyone was a little confused and frustrated. Silent auction bidding was rather disorganised with it not closing at the right time and people coming in to guilt trip/intimidate us into letting them continue bidding. I can't believe someone would just randomly bid $25000 for a painting too in the live auction ._.

Ahhh I still can't get over how much effort so many people put into their costumes, everyone was so supportive and all dressed up. I somehow regret not slacking a bit more that night (I didn't get to ride the mechanical bull!) but oh wells~~~ work is work. I was sort of expecting the night to be less busy but I don't recall having much free time :/ Prize room work was fun but not as exciting as being outside and getting to soak in the whole atmosphere. Spent some time carrying a chair up and down the stage too and other miscellaneous saikang zzz -.- Mmm random thought, the nachos with the meaty sauce thing was good ^^

Oh I brought home a whole bunch of helium cow-pattern balloons but they weren't flying anymore by this morning :(

stop hoping and start believing

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Men in Black 3 was nice to watch even though many parts in the storyline didn't make sense to me.

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You're so different now, I'd go back in time too if I could stop whatever happened from happening.

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That was surprisingly harder yet easier than I thought it would be; at least it's final. No more self-denial. I've already come further than I thought I would and I will never forget what could have been. I'm going to move on but moving on doesn't mean I have to let go. I'm going to frame up my Edinburgh offer; it's going to be a painful reminder me of what I let slip away. It's also a reminder that failure isn't as scary as it seems to be. I've failed at the biggest thing I've ever wanted. Been there done that; I've tried and I've fallen and I've lived another day. Failure isn't forever. It can be a day, a month, a year, many years. But it's a measurable sum of time in which everything feels hopeless. You are miserable, angry, disappointed, confused. But that time ends with a decision to pick yourself up and keep getting up no matter how many times you fall. We are all strong enough to do that; don't let despair blind you from your true strength.

smash

I've been around but always too lazy to blog. And my internet's finally back so I don't have to hotspot my phone's miserable 3G anymore, yay!! I don't remember what my last post was and I'm suffering from major pain-in-the-uterus cramps right now; can't believe I still have to go to work tomorrow. Anyway, I finally watched AVENGERS today (Yes it's so freaking awesome the whole title deserves to be capitalised, read it out loud with a HUARGHHH~!!! sound like the hulk lololol)

OMG I forgot to buy my ASOS yesterday, dammit the 15% promo code expired -.- Oh wells ~~ I'm going to be making a few big purchases in the next few months, i.e. a new laptop (but I still love you Silas! I'll keep you around as a reminder of all the good times we had) and new phone (most likely another iphone *facepalm*). Seems like uni will be a fresh start with lots of new things, which reminds me, I haven't posted the photos of my trunk/luggage/magicboxonwheels. (Oh and I also bought a bimbotic pink straightener hahahaha)

I can't get over how cute my stuffed toys are, the only problem is that I can't fit all of them in. How am I going to bring all of them to angsana??? Then again the room wouldn't have enough space for all of them either :/

It has locks kay! It's actually functional and not just an expensive $59 box that I felt like buying hahahaha

My old new manly wallet 

(I haven't used it before, so it's new. But I've had it around for awhile, so it's old?)

And the necessary coin pouch since man-wallets have no coin compartments; why???!!!

Anyway, it's apt that Snape's next to it cause the flip side of my double agent pouch says 我是坏人. How absolutely perfect for him ^^

There seems to be so much to do these days, but I keep getting home so late. So number 1 on my list would be emailing the UK universities to let them know I won't be going so that they can offer my place to someone else (omg four stabs to the heart) and then I'll finally get to doing up the Taiwan videos. Which reminds me, I need to send someone my itinerary. And then finally to pack my room; right now it's such a mess I may just get lost under a landslide junkslide the next time I fall asleep on the floor.

Work has been busy as well. After the long break from school my writing is so much more uninspired that I can't bring myself to accept what I've written. Didn't have a choice today though, I needed to submit a draft article for the newsletter but it was so terrible! Argh, ashamed. Oh and for those who are interested, RDA was featured in TODAY Paper on Sunday (13 May). It's on the second page and the article was surprisingly not bad even though the reporter seemed a bit unsure of what he was doing when he came down to RDA.

It's so strange how it's mid-May already, time is passing pretty fast. Uni will be very busy time with lots to learn and tons more to do. The idea of studying the same 2 subjects for 5 years is rather frightening, further more it's a subject I have no background in and ain't that enthusiastic over either. It'll work out I guess, I have enough faith in my stubbornness to struggle through all the way to get the double honours expected of us (or maybe not ._.) The idea of it scares me, but going to uni sounds so exciting I'll just stop thinking about the tough part for awhile. It's not my dream course but I never really expected to be able to do what I wanted anyway.

There's supposedly a module for personal finances or something like that; you plan out how to save for children, house, family yada yada yada. Maybe I'll be able to plan out if it's realistically feasible for me to study vet later on in life, but 500k just sounds like it'll take a very long time to earn. How many years of slaving away in a cubicle would that take me? Gosh, my plan B really is to just earn as much moolah as possible now. I need at least a 5 digit salary to achieve my goal, argh the life of a cubicle rat here I come.

invasion

I've totally fallen in love with my new trunk cum luggage, more about it tomorrow/another day because it's so insanely late now :O goodnight!

lumos

“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”
― Stephen Colbert

morning air

I finally dug out the free adult ezlink card and promptly lost it without even using it once; what a joke. I also spent the day with a paper clip on my head because I didn't have a hair clip, it was a pretty bad substitute.

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this is so true, but why does pikachu look so dog like ._.

faith, trust and pixiedust

backkkkkkkkk~~

Hello world! I'm back from taiwan and having major problems re-acclimating to the weather in Singapore; why is it so hot!!! The trip was awesome, more about it soon once yanping/dawn/qianwen/chunhui upload the photos + videos onto facebook so I can borrow some to adequately monologue about how amazing everything was ^^ After my 6 days of attempting to speak passable Chinese I think my brain needs to be re-calibrated for English. I must say my Chinese is quite... functional, my roomies seemed pretty amused when I called hotel reception to ask if it was safe to sing Karaoke at midnight. (and whether random drunk people would invade our room) (that was a reasonable concern kay!) (btw we didn't go in the end cause we were feeling too lazy and the dramas on TV were rather nice)

I have no idea how I managed to spend NT$10,000+ but my favourite buy was my pikachu 皮卡秋 (I'm going to speak to him in Chinese!) for NT$500. The first time I saw him I put him back because he was so ex, but gave in and came back on our last day there to get him. So what if I have one already, they can keep each other company now! ^^ And I also got lots of socks for my dogs, theyre really cute heehee. I got a bumblebee outfit for them too but the M size was too small T^T Hopefully they'll lose weight! The doggy clothing in taiwan were so cute!

Oh and dinner today was exciting! We went to Two Fat Men at East Coast Road to use groupons my mummy bought. The food was not bad and nearing the end a fat lizard fell from the sky and landed on our table. My sister screamed and almost toppled the table then we all proceeded to search for it and freaked out and ran off from the table hahahaha. Okay that was random. Back to packing!

Oh yeah, I realised I never really posted about it... Wicked was awesome ozsome! Seats were pretty far from the stage but I loved the songs and costumes and backdrops and all that.

Anyway, I should get back to packing my room since I only unpacked my luggage when I got back this morning, which basically means I transferred everything from my luggage to the floor heehee.

darkest

Hammered in the last nail on the coffin today, what a depressing image. It's time to bury unfulfilled dreams and move on.

Anyway, it's hard to fill sorry for myself when I see what the kids who come to RDA have to face. How can I lose faith when they haven't? They probably don't do it consciously but I can't help admiring how brave they are. I will live, no matter how unfair life can be.

And I realised that I'm upset, but not as upset as when I lost Cookie. Perspective is a precious thing, and I wish I didn't have it but what has happened has happened. Life is cruel but that's part of life. So is loss, which only makes everything that remains all the more important.

A clean end, a new beginning. I absolutely have no idea where studying business is going to take me, anything can happen. I'm going to challenge myself to do my best, even though I'm not sure yet what I'm working for. All I have is an image, a warm happy fuzzy one that I will hold on to, and towards that image I will work. I will think about it as often as possible to help me through the moments of doubt and uncertainty. Believe~

"As an 18-year-old, I wonder what my place in this world will be. The future is so full of potential that I cannot help but be very excited and a little afraid. There are bound to be accomplishments and missteps. I am young and I have so many hopes and fears. Perspective has helped me to understand that come what may, each day is a gift and a chance to find meaning, fulfilment and happiness."

(essentially the last paragraph of my PSC application essay, which probably explains why they never got back to me hahahahaha)

because a lie becomes the truth

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of doing business instead of vet med; it's just so hard to comprehend. Thinking about vet med, imagining studying overseas and doing the things I love, those were what got me through the bullshit that was A's. It sucks that I did everything I could and everything still went crashing down in 10minutes. 10 minutes was all they could spare to give me a chance. It's true I wasn't that sure about vet med, mostly because I worried that I would hate working at AVA. Regardless, I knew I would never get to work as a vet in the way I wanted no matter what I did. It was all about studying what I loved. So I guess I got the sign I was looking for.

This is one of those times I wish I had a religion. I need something to believe in, some all-knowing deity I can trust who knows what's right for me. But at the moment I still just feel like I fucked up.

I told someone that sometimes you just need a dream. You don't have to achieve it, it's the thrill of the chase. At this point in my life, I can't do what I love because I don't have five hundred thousand dollars to pay for school fees and everything else involved in studying overseas. Hell, thinking someone would invest that much money in me was just me being unrealistic. Studying business is the course that gives me the greatest freedom in career choice right now since I don't know what I want anymore. Who knows, maybe one day this passion will die out and I will fall head over heels in love with some other career. Or if I can't let it go then maybe when I'm old, gray and wrinkly (but wealthy hahaha!) I'll drop everything and run off to do what I can't now.

At least I don't have to give up the other things I love. I'll have ultimate here in Singapore. Family, however cruel they can be, is still something I treasure. The dogs, prince, maybe another cat too! If I get into UTRP, I'll still learn a little independence, gain a little freedom, but all with the safety and comfort of the familiar. I sense that I'm repeating my earlier posts already but I need to remind myself that there are many routes to happiness and I don't always know which will be mine. There are others who will study what they want and live their dream. I know that won't be me. It'll take time, and I will be a terribly angsty bitch, but eventually I'll get over this and move on. I'll find a way to dig myself out of this pit of despair and find the joy in life again.

I just hope I'll still get my once-a-week lessons even though I won't be going to vet school anymore. I won't get to apply those lessons but I still want to learn everything I can. And I'll really miss grooming the horses. I wonder if my two kids have forgotten about me after I missed sidewalking for two sessions :(

dead and gone

What would you do if you couldn't fail? Chase a dream. What happens when you fail? Suck it up and move on. But dammit it's so hard. To come so close and still fail. I don't think I have the stamina to go for the spring interview tomorrow when I just want to curl up in a dark corner and try and remember what it feels like to still have hope. I wonder why I even tried so hard when I knew this was probably where I would end up anyway. What's the point of getting offers and the grades dammit dammit dammit when someone else just has to scrape through with one offer, not meet the conditions and still get to go. I used to think I didn't really care about money that much, but god how wrong I am. Where can I find half a million dollars? It's so hard not to hate these people. I confess to being bloody fucking jealous. My father wants me to go to SMU cause it'll be cheaper. They want me to do a single degree cause it's cheaper. It's so exhausting having to fight for every little thing. I don't even know why I took business, but I don't know why I do anything anymore. Should have just gone to poly sigh.

My father wanted to celebrate me not hearing back from AVA. This is so fucked up. I think I've sunk to an all time low. I can't find the strength to do up a fucking presentation now. ARGGGHHHHHHH.