faith, trust and pixiedust

backkkkkkkkk~~

Hello world! I'm back from taiwan and having major problems re-acclimating to the weather in Singapore; why is it so hot!!! The trip was awesome, more about it soon once yanping/dawn/qianwen/chunhui upload the photos + videos onto facebook so I can borrow some to adequately monologue about how amazing everything was ^^ After my 6 days of attempting to speak passable Chinese I think my brain needs to be re-calibrated for English. I must say my Chinese is quite... functional, my roomies seemed pretty amused when I called hotel reception to ask if it was safe to sing Karaoke at midnight. (and whether random drunk people would invade our room) (that was a reasonable concern kay!) (btw we didn't go in the end cause we were feeling too lazy and the dramas on TV were rather nice)

I have no idea how I managed to spend NT$10,000+ but my favourite buy was my pikachu 皮卡秋 (I'm going to speak to him in Chinese!) for NT$500. The first time I saw him I put him back because he was so ex, but gave in and came back on our last day there to get him. So what if I have one already, they can keep each other company now! ^^ And I also got lots of socks for my dogs, theyre really cute heehee. I got a bumblebee outfit for them too but the M size was too small T^T Hopefully they'll lose weight! The doggy clothing in taiwan were so cute!

Oh and dinner today was exciting! We went to Two Fat Men at East Coast Road to use groupons my mummy bought. The food was not bad and nearing the end a fat lizard fell from the sky and landed on our table. My sister screamed and almost toppled the table then we all proceeded to search for it and freaked out and ran off from the table hahahaha. Okay that was random. Back to packing!

Oh yeah, I realised I never really posted about it... Wicked was awesome ozsome! Seats were pretty far from the stage but I loved the songs and costumes and backdrops and all that.

Anyway, I should get back to packing my room since I only unpacked my luggage when I got back this morning, which basically means I transferred everything from my luggage to the floor heehee.

darkest

Hammered in the last nail on the coffin today, what a depressing image. It's time to bury unfulfilled dreams and move on.

Anyway, it's hard to fill sorry for myself when I see what the kids who come to RDA have to face. How can I lose faith when they haven't? They probably don't do it consciously but I can't help admiring how brave they are. I will live, no matter how unfair life can be.

And I realised that I'm upset, but not as upset as when I lost Cookie. Perspective is a precious thing, and I wish I didn't have it but what has happened has happened. Life is cruel but that's part of life. So is loss, which only makes everything that remains all the more important.

A clean end, a new beginning. I absolutely have no idea where studying business is going to take me, anything can happen. I'm going to challenge myself to do my best, even though I'm not sure yet what I'm working for. All I have is an image, a warm happy fuzzy one that I will hold on to, and towards that image I will work. I will think about it as often as possible to help me through the moments of doubt and uncertainty. Believe~

"As an 18-year-old, I wonder what my place in this world will be. The future is so full of potential that I cannot help but be very excited and a little afraid. There are bound to be accomplishments and missteps. I am young and I have so many hopes and fears. Perspective has helped me to understand that come what may, each day is a gift and a chance to find meaning, fulfilment and happiness."

(essentially the last paragraph of my PSC application essay, which probably explains why they never got back to me hahahahaha)

because a lie becomes the truth

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of doing business instead of vet med; it's just so hard to comprehend. Thinking about vet med, imagining studying overseas and doing the things I love, those were what got me through the bullshit that was A's. It sucks that I did everything I could and everything still went crashing down in 10minutes. 10 minutes was all they could spare to give me a chance. It's true I wasn't that sure about vet med, mostly because I worried that I would hate working at AVA. Regardless, I knew I would never get to work as a vet in the way I wanted no matter what I did. It was all about studying what I loved. So I guess I got the sign I was looking for.

This is one of those times I wish I had a religion. I need something to believe in, some all-knowing deity I can trust who knows what's right for me. But at the moment I still just feel like I fucked up.

I told someone that sometimes you just need a dream. You don't have to achieve it, it's the thrill of the chase. At this point in my life, I can't do what I love because I don't have five hundred thousand dollars to pay for school fees and everything else involved in studying overseas. Hell, thinking someone would invest that much money in me was just me being unrealistic. Studying business is the course that gives me the greatest freedom in career choice right now since I don't know what I want anymore. Who knows, maybe one day this passion will die out and I will fall head over heels in love with some other career. Or if I can't let it go then maybe when I'm old, gray and wrinkly (but wealthy hahaha!) I'll drop everything and run off to do what I can't now.

At least I don't have to give up the other things I love. I'll have ultimate here in Singapore. Family, however cruel they can be, is still something I treasure. The dogs, prince, maybe another cat too! If I get into UTRP, I'll still learn a little independence, gain a little freedom, but all with the safety and comfort of the familiar. I sense that I'm repeating my earlier posts already but I need to remind myself that there are many routes to happiness and I don't always know which will be mine. There are others who will study what they want and live their dream. I know that won't be me. It'll take time, and I will be a terribly angsty bitch, but eventually I'll get over this and move on. I'll find a way to dig myself out of this pit of despair and find the joy in life again.

I just hope I'll still get my once-a-week lessons even though I won't be going to vet school anymore. I won't get to apply those lessons but I still want to learn everything I can. And I'll really miss grooming the horses. I wonder if my two kids have forgotten about me after I missed sidewalking for two sessions :(

dead and gone

What would you do if you couldn't fail? Chase a dream. What happens when you fail? Suck it up and move on. But dammit it's so hard. To come so close and still fail. I don't think I have the stamina to go for the spring interview tomorrow when I just want to curl up in a dark corner and try and remember what it feels like to still have hope. I wonder why I even tried so hard when I knew this was probably where I would end up anyway. What's the point of getting offers and the grades dammit dammit dammit when someone else just has to scrape through with one offer, not meet the conditions and still get to go. I used to think I didn't really care about money that much, but god how wrong I am. Where can I find half a million dollars? It's so hard not to hate these people. I confess to being bloody fucking jealous. My father wants me to go to SMU cause it'll be cheaper. They want me to do a single degree cause it's cheaper. It's so exhausting having to fight for every little thing. I don't even know why I took business, but I don't know why I do anything anymore. Should have just gone to poly sigh.

My father wanted to celebrate me not hearing back from AVA. This is so fucked up. I think I've sunk to an all time low. I can't find the strength to do up a fucking presentation now. ARGGGHHHHHHH.

fickle minded fool

I can't stop thinking those are frisbees; how cool would that be!

*returns to barrel scraping*

T^T

off to meet the wizard

A quote joey found:

Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.
- Unknown.

I hope that means I'll be happy. After all, I'm apparently really idealistic and irrationally optimistic. Hahas I screw up the economy ^^

you say

Wow it's been half a month since I last posted; I don't remember it being that long ago. Anyway, just a quick update: I've started work at RDA doing admin. Not the best outcome but I guess I can't ask too much. And it was pretty awesome receiving my first paycheck on Friday ^^ On the university front, I applied to NUS for business and econs double degree, going to apply for the residential college too but too many things to juggle right now :( Scholarship interviews are so frightening. I've been having little urges to just stick with staying in Singapore. I mean, everyone will be happy. I think I will be too. I'd get to stay with the dogs and prince and make proper plans to renovate my room (shoe wall!). Get to go for trainings and play ultimate. Spend time with friends and continue my unjustified online shopping hahaha. Sigh, should I still put myself through the terrible experience of interviews and assessments? It's so easy to stick with familiar ground, it feels so safe and fuzzy. (btw I've also acquired a super cute pikachu that has the lovely texture of a soft fluffy towel ^^) But then I'd have no reason to continue all the knitting I plan to do, sucks that scarfs can't be worn in singapore :(

I guess the only reason why I'm still trying for scholarships is that I'm not that into the choices I applied to NUS for. And after watching "Darkest Hour" today, I kind of regret not choosing engineering. It looks so much more useful and practical; you actually can design and build something. And just in case the world gets invaded by strange life forms, I'll be able to build a high-tech weapon to save my ass. On Friday I heard that Danette is doing civil engineering so that she can help the less fortunate in other countries. That's so noble T^T I wish I had some sort of ambition like that but there's nothing I can think of that I want to do :( Other than vet med of course, but that's almost out of the equation already. I guess I'll just figure things out as they come along and see where life takes me.

I'm definitely looking forward to taiwan trip, it'd be a most awesome break ^^ Which reminds me I need to transfer someone payment for it hahaha oops. I'll do that once my paycheck deposits into my account, too broke right now :S