the good guy/girl always wins

yeps i'm still awake, largely cause i've started reading fanfiction and partly because i've only been awake for 8.5 hours; i woke up at 5pm see ^^ anyway the fact that 2011 is ending is really scaring me, but it's a bit too late to try and meet all my new year resolutions. as usual i'm hoping 2012 might involve a more proactive me, but since  2011 isn't over yet it feels a bit premature to start thinking of next year.

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.” -Ida Scott Taylor


2011 was a year that changed my life in ways that i still don't know and possibly will never know. there were many terribly miserable days, but even the tough times are worth remembering.

the next chapter of my fanfic beckons so i'll muse over the 8765 hours of 2011 another day.

and those are rather messily made oreo truffles, but hey they were omnomnomgood. who knew oreos could be blended :O

grey

it didnt feel like christmas at all. i mean, i knew it was around that time of the year, what with all the cheery snowmen and santas set up along the streets, but everytime i realised that it was the 25th i still felt a little surprised. in the end, the 25th of december was just the day i came back from vietnam and held no other special significance. there was a very blatant lack of christmas cheer.

a couple of days ago i was telling dawn that life's just starting to get good. right now i'm not sure what to do with it. i have nothing to do until my ingredients come home with my mum and i can bake a little. reading just cant fill the emptiness anymore and i want to do something but i don't know what. i'm tempted to read fanfiction again just to feel something other than extreme boredom.

oh and vietnam was... just a trip we took because my sister wanted to fly in an airplane again, during which she promptly felt miserable and nauseous.

strange days

the therapeutic effects of a bowl of chocolate

baking today felt good; there was no one breathing down my back and no one chasing me to hurry up. just me, the new up-sized fridge, lots of sugary stuff, lots and lots of tissue, and the old cranky oven. and a big bowl of melted chocolate and butter (which took a really long time to prepare). i didn't feel like tinkering around with pots to made a pseudo double boiler so i just microwaved my chocolate chips and butter at the lowest heat in 30second blasts and it kind of took awhile. the rest was pretty much normal, since with brownies all you do is chuck everything in and stir. the recipe asked for nuts but im much happier with oreos so i bullied them into pieces with my rolling pin (i've never actually rolled anything with it yet) before using scissors to cut them up because my mum was complaining of the noise. she also complained that i talked to myself too much :( anyway i was attempting to make rocky road brownies, which is just a funky brownie with marshmallows, chocolate chips and nuts on top but i sort of ended up with this and i must say it's not bad :D

i made a bit of a mess cutting them up but they were really good with milk *nomz* ^^

oh and my cousin's guinea pig is super cute, it looks like the head of a mop but black and with a pair of shiny bright eyes. and it makes funny bubbling noises *_*

oh and i helped my mum dye her hair today! it was weird because i was wearing plastic gloves and rubbing brown-ish stuff into her hair @@

and my thighs still ache, but not in the nice way anymore. it's more of a i-think-i-may-roll-down-the-stairs kind of my-legs-are-going-to-collapse-under-me ache T.T

a quick bite

this week passed rather fast. actually the time since A's seems to have passed rather fast, yet it feels like it's been such a long time too :O

so monday was prom and it was pretty uneventful, food was meh~ shoes were a painful bitch but i saved $53.90 by wearing an old pair n.n staying out was nice cause town was so peaceful and empty. and yeps my favourite photos grabbed from facebook plus a few more :D

tuesday, wednesday and thursday were lazy sloth days n.n

friday went for training and it feels good to be moving again in that rather painful but strangely satisfying kind of way.

and that's it for now until i find something exciting to do with the rest of my december :)

preheat

omg after prom this will be me

if only

right now i wish i had hope, but i don't. you took it all away in one swift night. just a couple of hours really. what are you trying to prove? that hope is better than nothing? why must you be so cruel?

and no warning at all? why him? why now? why so soon? why like this? why couldn't we have more time?

the regrets just keep piling up. i'm sorry. i'm so so so fucking sorry. i love you. i love you so much and you're going to stay in that special place in my heart even if i can't hold you in my lap.

how am i going to survive going through this 4 more times? there are only so many blows a person can take.

fragmented thoughts.

i miss you. i want to be able to hold you again; feel the brush of your wagging tail; the weight of you lying on my tummy. i need to stop this chain of thoughts.

the sounds inside

ironically, i miss being busy. at least when i was busy i didn't have time to think pointless thoughts. i've started on my reading almost desperately, partly because i miss losing myself in a story and partly because i need to escape my own thoughts. is this what growing up will be like? making mistakes and regretting them? my mind keeps straying back to how everything could have turned out differently, how it could have been something i felt good about and not this nagging thought that i want to fling as far away from me as i can. maybe when i have a day at home i'll get to clearing up my room and i'll stop seeing all these constant reminders. strangely enough, on days when i can sleep in i can't. woke up at around 5am today even without an alarm that i forgot to set, and couldn't go back to sleep so i went down and read my book and hugged my dogs. and made breakfast with eggs cheese bread and jam. anything to keep busy. i need distractions. im going to start coding skins again, that's for sure. i need the kind of tunnel vision doing something like that gives me.

hope can be so cruel.

never gonna regret watching every sunset

today didn't go well, quite terribly actually; i think the interviewers were just trying to get rid of me but oh wells, what's done is done. it's up to fate now, although every thing seems to be trying to tell me not to go to uk. from the insane A level papers to my knees-that-ache-on-cold-rainy-days, maybe my mum is right and sometimes life is trying to throw you a few subtle hints that something's not meant to happen. but i'm going to need a much more obvious sign, like maybe a giant neon billboard saying "you must not be a vet", before i put all my eggs in that basket.

anyway, i've come to realise that the little mistakes i've made this past month and a day shouldn't be regrets because there really are more important things to regret. and i'm glad i've only had two so far that can contend for that heavyweight title.

a new quote i added to my wall during the A levels: once you have perceived that life is very cruel, the only response is to live with as much humanity, humour and freedom as you can. i may have typed that out before, but no harm doing it again since after all, it's usually the first thing i see every morning and it's scrawled large enough that even with my worsening myopia i can still read it without my glasses.

and my astigmatism is getting worse, its starting to make wearing contacts very very difficult; everything is just too bright.


When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say, we've had our fun

Will we make a mark this time
Will we always say we tried

We're standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out

Standing on the rooftops
Wait until the bombs drop
This is all we got now
Scream until your heart stops

and i was playing guitar hero with my sis and dad just now and doing a lot of random screaming. my voice now sounds like a grizzly bear's. grrrrr~~~