ironically, i miss being busy. at least when i was busy i didn't have time to think pointless thoughts. i've started on my reading almost desperately, partly because i miss losing myself in a story and partly because i need to escape my own thoughts. is this what growing up will be like? making mistakes and regretting them? my mind keeps straying back to how everything could have turned out differently, how it could have been something i felt good about and not this nagging thought that i want to fling as far away from me as i can. maybe when i have a day at home i'll get to clearing up my room and i'll stop seeing all these constant reminders. strangely enough, on days when i can sleep in i can't. woke up at around 5am today even without an alarm that i forgot to set, and couldn't go back to sleep so i went down and read my book and hugged my dogs. and made breakfast with eggs cheese bread and jam. anything to keep busy. i need distractions. im going to start coding skins again, that's for sure. i need the kind of tunnel vision doing something like that gives me.
hope can be so cruel.