if only

right now i wish i had hope, but i don't. you took it all away in one swift night. just a couple of hours really. what are you trying to prove? that hope is better than nothing? why must you be so cruel?

and no warning at all? why him? why now? why so soon? why like this? why couldn't we have more time?

the regrets just keep piling up. i'm sorry. i'm so so so fucking sorry. i love you. i love you so much and you're going to stay in that special place in my heart even if i can't hold you in my lap.

how am i going to survive going through this 4 more times? there are only so many blows a person can take.

fragmented thoughts.

i miss you. i want to be able to hold you again; feel the brush of your wagging tail; the weight of you lying on my tummy. i need to stop this chain of thoughts.