another one of those self-destructive nights

wow wow wow

amazing day yesterday. i'm going to be selfish and not share :D
and omg lol i can't believe i took the mrt in the wrong direction.

wow. it's friday already?!!

:D

never easy; never easy

today was generally a good busy day, spent doing things and not thinking about things. its nice to be in the company of friends and more.

"Weren’t we all crazy in our sleep? What was sleep, after all, but the process by which we dumped our insanity into a dark subconscious pit and came out on the other side ready to eat cereal instead of the neighbor’s children?"
- Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

today was a day for dust and disaster

"If any film doesn’t need a gimmick, it’s these ones, and that’s for me what 3D is. For me, 3D adds nothing to the story. “Avatar”, sure, it looked amazing, but not more amazing than “Inception”, and I thought about “Inception” for so much longer because it was a better film, because it was a more interesting film. And I don’t think that technology is a substitute for story, which I think is how 3D can sometimes be used."

- Daniel Radcliffe

i wish i could say something smart but honestly, ive never watched a 3D movie nor inception. which really sucks. like really D:

and gosh, i threw out so much thrash today and my room still looks a mess. what am i supposed to do with all the brand new TYS that ny made us buy?! and i found my kindergarten stuff, gosh i was so cute hahahaha. and my maid very tactlessly wondered, "what happened to your eyes, they were so big last time!".

meh. and something has been gnawing on my crayons ]:

anyway this post is kinda random, i just didn't want to have that depressing post right on top :/

Di gantseh velt iz ful mit shaidim; treib zai chotsh fun zich arois.

hell, my head is a huge mess of disjointed thoughts right now. its making me very upset yet not upset. i don't know. i'm lost trying to figure my way through this. where do i start?
---
how am i ever going to make the big choices for myself? i've never had to.
they opted for gep.
they chose my gep primary school.
they chose my secondary school and consequently, jc.
so here i am now.
i didn't want any of that.
should i?
it's hard to have a opinion when, your whole life, no one ever gave a damn about it.
god, what do i want?
---
somehow i'm not upset that i essentially lack a personality.

i just feel sort of empty inside. i don't know, it's been a long time since i felt anything strongly.
happiness is good, it makes me feel human. insecurity, loneliness, shame, guilt, angst, fear; god it's amazing to feel something. fear is good; avoiding it, fearing it, drowning in it, embracing it, courting it.

realise anger isn't in the list? i can't remember what real anger feels like. not the kind that makes you swear and curse, but the kind that makes you hate the person who angered you so badly that you lose the ability to think logically and surrender yourself to destructive behaviour on everything and everyone around you. good riddance i say, i've had enough of that for one lifetime.

but whatever happened to it? i don't know, though i guess sometimes, when you have such low expectations of the world and the people in it, it becomes so easy to rationalize away every indignity and cruel act as another failing of a species you never had much faith in from the start. how do you get angry at something you expected? (god, not only do i have to deal with nonsensical musings, i have to work out overlong run-on sentences too.)

do you see why i'm confused yet? actually, i'm probably just dysfunctional. and i probably just don't like anger much; i guess if it were possible to delete an emotion from the human emotional range i probably just did the equivalent somewhere along the way.

damn am i lost. and this song is playing too quickly. how do people speak so fast?!
---
oh another chunk of the mess surfaced. but wth, i'm too lazy to sort it out. it can go stuff itself up its metaphorical ass for all i care.

"That’s the thing I want to make clear about depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorror, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal—unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead."

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
---
oh and please, don't freak out if you actually happen to read this. we all have our scars and ugly sides. i just tend to like documenting mine so i can scoff at my melodrama later. take it with a pinch of salt and a good box of popcorn; join me in enjoying the show. it's nice to watch myself crash sometimes. my com doesn't need a reason to do so, so why should i? anyway yes, what? sorry i lost myself. i'm not usually this disgustingly mopey and absent-minded.

anyway i should just sleep soon. i can't wait for my normal cheery mentality to come back. c'mon, knock these suckers out of my head.

The whole world is full of demons; you just exorcise them out of yourself.

cause when it gets dark

hahaha qianwen just reminded me i had to share this with all of you!
it's so beautiful;
MJ ♥

when i'm not myself

deep in our hearts we all know what's the right thing to do,
but we still look to others for advice.

---

gosh i'm in one of my moods again and i sure am brooding up a storm. but that's good i guess, cause it'll blow over soon and tomorrow i can be silly again.

bum and bummer

i love how the thisisit poster and guitarhero drumset still look normal, teehee.
gosh, i'm bored already.

what will that be?

i've been told that my recent posts gave a certain impression;
i'm scared it's true.

let's be adventurous

oh man, there's too much good food in this world. screw the flu/sore throat/cough/headache (technically they all just fall under the category of flu i think). anyway, yes, food. oh god, the idea of it is tonguegasmic.

and pardon me if i sound slightly hysterical, i've been looking at food porn for the last couple of hours.

heaven smells like waffles and books

my not-so-closet romantic would like to share:
"The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss." - Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

now back to finding out what the guy's gonna do with a whole bunch of dead bodies and radioactive material.

oh and yes, apollo outing was fun, though there was waaayyyy too much shirt-stripping. played frisbee and watched very funny games. and saw her get washed away in a giant gush of water. heh heh, cues nasty grin. i'm sorry, but she happens to be the only person i've ever met to bring out this nasty side in me.

right. book. fucking throat $@#%#!*#$&!#

the day after

today was great but i don't really feel like blogging about it. but thank you for the great day, for letting me do the silly embarrassing things that make life real.

and i guess jc1 officially ended yesterday for me. what a year; i'm not going to describe it because there aren't enough words to capture all 287 days. well, i obviously have not achieved any of my new year resolutions, and damn i can't believe i was so hopeful about 2010. not that i'm disappointed, but just surprised at how different it turned out from my expectations.

i am now blacker, heavier, lazier, and bored. unfortunately i've yet to grow taller, but some things just never change. and i'm not actually bored per se, just lacking something/someone(?) that i will wake up for everyday.

still, there's a lot more to be grateful for. you 4 especially; you know who you are :) and the class, even though sometimes its almost as if you all study too much and eat too little. and the frisbee team, from the hilarious seniors to the awesome batchmates.

sure, there were some depressing times this year, but i can't imagine it any other way.

in the end, there's no point regretting or wanting to change things. i'm just glad whatever happened happened. the good has to come with the bad, and i'd take the bad if it lets me have the good too. that sounds so cliched, especially if you consider all those quotes about love and not being sad it ended but being glad that it happened etc etc. oh, there goes that closet romantic in me again. the keyboard makes it way too easy to ramble on.

so tata, i shall strive to make best use of this brief respite otherwise known as holidays.

ps. thank you jkrowling for sharing such an amazing world with us. i may not agree with what you did with some of the characters, but hey there's fanfic for that, and i don't think my life would have been complete without ever having read about hogwarts potion masters.

"We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity."
-Paulo Coelho

TOLULU!

oh god. op's tmr. T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W!! 5mins of shamelessly spouting memorised crap followed by more spontaneous crapping. and then... NO MORE PW OMGOMGOMGZOMG.

okay this is getting kinda hysterical :/

and i can't remember why i wanted to blog. oh yes. i've found something to do while all the good friends are off doing big things. i'm gonna... wait for it... make more blogskins hahaha. ok sorry anticlimatic. but i can't imagine how i managed to survive for so long without skinning. oh wait i know. i had frisbee. i can die happy now. as long as i can take my disk with me :D

anyway yes, i can't wait to go back to the days of css frustrations and photoshop headaches. i'm so excited the proverbial hands are rubbing in glee. and okay, no one probably gets what so great about it. i'm not sure too; just take it as my contribution to this giant black hole known as the internet.

but first, i gotta make sure i don't screw up my op. damn.

2 more days

i think i've gotten too lazy to write my own posts.
ah wells, one of my melancholic days will come eventually.
and i just realised this new skin makes it harder for certain people to stalk my friends :3

because i choose to be happy

And when I close my eyes tonight

finally, a new skin.
it's so... minimalist.
(read: lazy)
and it's so white.
i can't get over how white it is.
i can't believe i didn't do this earlier.

i need to stop spamming this place

it's usually the same few people online at this time.
i really wonder what they're staying up for :3

it's not the time to breakdown

bloody hell i can't stand this skin.
i need to make a new one soon;
i can't believe i've been using this one for 11 months!
the horror!