hell, my head is a huge mess of disjointed thoughts right now. its making me very upset yet not upset. i don't know. i'm lost trying to figure my way through this. where do i start?
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how am i ever going to make the big choices for myself? i've never had to.
they opted for gep.
they chose my gep primary school.
they chose my secondary school and consequently, jc.
so here i am now.
i didn't want any of that.
should i?
it's hard to have a opinion when, your whole life, no one ever gave a damn about it.
god, what do i want?
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somehow i'm not upset that i essentially lack a personality.
i just feel sort of empty inside. i don't know, it's been a long time since i felt anything strongly.
happiness is good, it makes me feel human. insecurity, loneliness, shame, guilt, angst, fear; god it's amazing to feel something. fear is good; avoiding it, fearing it, drowning in it, embracing it, courting it.
realise anger isn't in the list? i can't remember what real anger feels like. not the kind that makes you swear and curse, but the kind that makes you hate the person who angered you so badly that you lose the ability to think logically and surrender yourself to destructive behaviour on everything and everyone around you. good riddance i say, i've had enough of that for one lifetime.
but whatever happened to it? i don't know, though i guess sometimes, when you have such low expectations of the world and the people in it, it becomes so easy to rationalize away every indignity and cruel act as another failing of a species you never had much faith in from the start. how do you get angry at something you expected? (god, not only do i have to deal with nonsensical musings, i have to work out overlong run-on sentences too.)
do you see why i'm confused yet? actually, i'm probably just dysfunctional. and i probably just don't like anger much; i guess if it were possible to delete an emotion from the human emotional range i probably just did the equivalent somewhere along the way.
damn am i lost. and this song is playing too quickly. how do people speak so fast?!
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oh another chunk of the mess surfaced. but wth, i'm too lazy to sort it out. it can go stuff itself up its metaphorical ass for all i care.
"That’s the thing I want to make clear about depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorror, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal—unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead."
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
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oh and please, don't freak out if you actually happen to read this. we all have our scars and ugly sides. i just tend to like documenting mine so i can scoff at my melodrama later. take it with a pinch of salt and a good box of popcorn; join me in enjoying the show. it's nice to watch myself crash sometimes. my com doesn't need a reason to do so, so why should i? anyway yes, what? sorry i lost myself. i'm not usually this disgustingly mopey and absent-minded.
anyway i should just sleep soon. i can't wait for my normal cheery mentality to come back. c'mon, knock these suckers out of my head.
The whole world is full of demons; you just exorcise them out of yourself.
