called to the horns

i am very very worried for friday; if they decide to ask all sorts of technical questions i am going to be utterly stumped. i have so much to revise for it; wonder whether it would be smarter to start preparing for it now or to straighten out my bio for thursday's paper first and figure out the interview stuff later.

and my attempt to understand wikipedia's quantum mechanics page was just... sad. i was trying to comprehend the Schrödinger's cat experiment but my brain was blown to bits.

oh and yes, ONE MORE PAPER LEFT ;D

AND LOL SOMETHING I FOUND FROM A POST IN 2009:

eeps. there's still the A levels, if my delicate disposition even survives that long. i think when A's come i will undergo a complete shutdown and run off into some corner of my head to play chess with myself. or, i could have turned into a rather messy pile of human innards.

i just realised that i haven't played chess with silas (my com, if you're confused) in really really long. and i'm glad that i've yet to implode and i'm happy to say that i probably won't. my delicate disposition seems to have manned-up from increased exposure to testosterone and mind boggling exams. and econs. oh econs, the pains i went through just for you.

oh and yes, zinc and i were talking about the existence souls on the bus ride home today (lol our discussion was very philosophical) and i got reminded of noetic science from 'The Lost Symbol'. but thats irrelevant, cause in the end we concluded that we'd find out when we find out, which hopefully wont be soon.

i'm not sure what the point of typing that out was, but it's useful in case a couple of years down the road i start wondering what i did/talked/thought about back then. which is actually something i do once in awhile, like today evidently.

anyway, i shall go back to feeling very demoralised by all these uk students who have so much work experience that is so varied that i wonder if i even stand a teeny tiny chance. but what am i supposed to do since singapore has no lamb farms! nor cow farms! and too few stables! oh wells, i will find out when i find out. here's to hoping tomorrow will be a productive day, toodles.

now and again

that strange unpleasant feeling :/

Au Jour Le Jour

"But feelings are just having a picture on the screen in your head of what is going to happen tomorrow or next year, or what might have happened instead of what did happen, and if it is a happy picture they smile and if it is a sad picture they cry."

"And when you look at the sky you know you are looking at stars which are hundreds and thousands of light years away from you. And some of the stars don't even exist any more because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead, or they have exploded and collapsed into red dwarfs. And that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in your life it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible which means that they are so small you don't have to take them into account when you are calculating something."

- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

it's nice to be able to start reading books again, there are so many i want to open and lose myself in. and i used to do that thing where i think of how very small i am in the greater scheme of the universe and it felt comforting to know how insignificant my screw-ups were. except it was really hard to find stars in singapore and i just end up wondering if i'm looking at a star or airplane. but it's nice to know that this same star was shining down on us back then and the starlight i finally get to see today (or not) is something we sort-of shared.

and i'm thinking i'm sort of obsessed, but sometimes a memory helps us to be a little more brave in a frightening world. and that's the beautiful thing about memories. you see everything through rose-tinted glasses and the good will always be there to give you strength and warm fuzzy feelings; and the bad can get the hell lost.

saudade

it's moments like now that i wish i could dig a hole and disappear for awhile

mess mess mess

i can't bring myself to pack everything up, the idea of filing away notes is so depressing i'd be so much happier just throwing everything out the window (though i'll probably regret it later zzz). A's are sort-of-over and i can't wait for them to be officially over. i wanna play ultimate again. and go shopping. oooo i sent my dress for alteration today, hope it turns out okay n.n

and i just bought blueberries, can't wait to bake something with them before my auntie eats them all up ]:

a long way down

Our life is made up of time; our days are measured in hours, our pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by years. We grab a few quick minutes in our busy day to have a coffee break. We rush back to our desks, we watch the clock, we live by appointments. And yet your time eventually runs out and you wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades were being spent the best way they possibly could. In other words, if you could change anything, would you?
-Cecilia Ahern

the s-thing-that-must-not-be-named (and it isn't sex lol)

something ying sent me and i'll do since i'm keeping today s-word free n.n

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
鸡蛋
2. Are you loud, outgoing, or shy?
a mix of all 3? but more shy n.n
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
鸡蛋
4. Are you easy to get along with?
of course n.n
5. Have you ever given up on someone, but then gone back to him or her?
why would someone give up on someone?!!
6. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
he'd probably be more drunk lololol
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship 2 months from now?
i hope so!
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
鸡蛋
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
not particularly, unless its really really deviant; like whips and chains deviant ._.
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
hmms... what is considered deep? probably joey?
11. What does your most recent text say?
i was really confused too @@ ... ...
12. How do you feel about abortion?
an option that should be available to every woman
13. Do you like big crowds of people?
i'm okay with them as long as they're not invading my personal space
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
yes, i really need some right now :S
15. What good things happened this summer?
what summer?
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
how many people do you think i kiss -.-
17. Do you think there is life on another planet?
probably not the kind of life we're familiar with but yeps
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
nopes :/
19. Do you like bubble baths?
love! i was longing for a nice hot one yesterday after playing frisbee in the rain
20. Do you like your neighbors?
i don't really know them, they have a very annoying dog (lol ironic i know, coming from me)
21. What are your bad habits?
too many to list but the worst would probably be my constant procrastination; i figure laziness is one of my major character flaws; that and my inability to light a stove
22. Where would you like to travel?
all around the world
23. Do you have trust issues?
kinda
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
the part where i get to eat n.n
25. What body part are you most uncomfortable with?
the knees, they're all weird ]:
26. What do you do when you wake up?
go back to sleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
mmm a little darker maybe?
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
my dogs and ex-cat
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
-.-
30. Do you ever want to get married?
yes, and my house will have the most epic sized bathtub! and dogs! and cats!
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
yes
32. Which celebrities would you like having a threesome with?
the only one i'm a fan of is unfortunately dead
33. Spell your name with your chin.
o.o
34. Do you play sports?
ultimate n.n
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
without tv, is this not really obvious?
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
yeps
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
nothing, it's more interesting to find out what the other person says
38. Do you think age matters in relationships?
it complicates things
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
do online stores count? it's been awhile since i bought stuff over a counter :/
40. What do you want to do after high school?
after A's? a lot of things! eat awesome food, watch old movies, play ultimate, possibly go for dance again, volunteer at RDA and ACRES and maybe somewhere else, read all my books and oops i'm thinking this question was meant to be more of a long term thing uhh i don't know
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
depends on what they did and why
42. If you’re being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
i've fallen asleep
43. Do you smile at strangers?
all the time hahahaha
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
outer space! there are very very freaky creatures at the bottom of the ocean; they're scary ._.
45. Do you want a roommate?
only if that person's nice
46. What are you paranoid about?
losing stuff
47. What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you?
you never loved her
48. The nicest thing?
i'm not saying ;)
49. Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?
yes
50. What language do you want to learn?
i'd like to relearn chinese :/ but spanish would be fun too

there done n.n

stormy days

these violent delights have violent ends

so the first week is over and i'm exhausted; emotionally drained too. i can't stand how i've made so so so many careless and obvious mistakes. what's the point of doing well in jc exams if simple carelessness will screw up your A levels. sucks. i can't believe i actually missed out questions even. what is wrong with me??!

discipline

breathe

the countdown is scaring the shit out of me ._.
i hope the next 4 weeks go fine, i hope i can finish my papers, i hope i know how to do my papers.

please please please let me be lucky.

what a feeling

CMON CMON I WANT A'S TO END ALREADY~
but i don't want them to start :(

all the time

so beautiful~

nyctophobia

i had the strangest dream involving bear yesterday. people kept trying to wash him in the washing machine with all sorts of things and i think my sis almost succeeded one time and if she had, bear would have come out pink ._.

oh and i crashed my parents' room at 2am last night cause i simply couldnt sleep with the strange smell of mosquito incense in my room. i just sprawled on the floor with my arsenal of pillow blanket bolster and bear and i think mosquito incense screws up some of the chemicals in my brains because it tossed to the forefront of my mind some of my greatest fears. it was really really strange :/ but in the morning i got to claim my parents entire bed after they woke up and it was so good~ the perks of going back to sleep n.n