連隔壁鄰居都猜到我現在的感受

omg bike hike was crazy; fun, tiring and my hands still feel raw from gripping the handlebars for so long. and omg thigh burns; acheeees and i'm rather incoherent. i should be asleep still. but duty calls; back to doing inventory!

till the world ends

somehow i wonder if i'm wasting my JC life. i see so many people trying new things, taking advantage of opportunities, stepping up, working hard, etc etc and i wonder, at the end of my 2 years what would i have accomplished? and not in terms of a portfolio, since portfolios are meant to prove your worth to others, but how can i justify to myself that i haven't wasted 728 precious days of my life :/ what memories and experiences would i have collected? what would i have changed? how would i have changed? for better or worse? so many questions, and i'm too afraid to look deeply enough to find the answers because i know i won't like them.

it's not the fact that time is being wasted that bugs me, because i'll always be doing that, but rather the fact that i'm only going to be in HC for two years and most of it is over. i can never do it again. i can never be J1 again. i can never be j2 again. will i remember JC as a repetitive cycle of mondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridays with nothing more significant than lectures, tutorials and trainings interjected with random school events? right now thats more or less what it is; i trudge through weekdays, look forward to weekends, drift through weekends in a funk, bemoan the start of the week, rinse and repeat. rather pathetic, i'd say.

but i don't want JC to just be period of my life, i want it to be memorable. i want it to be something i'll look back on and miss so terribly that my eyes will tear up and yet i'd still be smiling because it was so beautiful and we were all so young and alive.

30 years

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

violent moment

ahhh this calls for drastic actions;

ok gotta get everything back on track.

discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline

autonomy

tired tired tired; and desperately in need of distraction. have not done any of my tutorials/assorted homework nor studied for econs. how did my weekend go by so fast?

anyway, because i was thinking about jersey numbers and am such a HP junkie, i went to google arithmancy and this really interesting thing turned up. so just to kill time, i quote...

"The most basic form of arithmancy is used with the names of people you want more information about. First, you must convert the name into a number. Each letter of the alphabet corresponds to a number, as shown in this chart:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

A B C D E F G H I

J K L M N O P Q R

S T U V W X Y Z

Next, you "reduce" your number by adding your numbers together until all you are left with is one digit.

When working with someone's name, you can calculate three different numbers for them. The first, called the "Character Number", can be used to find out the general personality type of the person, and is derived by using all the letters of the name, as we did above.

The second number you can calculate for someone is their "Heart Number". This represents the individual's inner life and can indicate desires and fears hidden from others. You calculate it as we did above, but using only the vowels contained in their name.

The final number you can calculate for someone is their "Social Number" and is calculated using only the consonants of the name. The Social Number represents the outer personality, the face an individual shows to the outside world."

to make things easier, here's the link for the calculator to get your three numbers and then the chart that explains what those numbers supposedly mean.

my results were

Character: 2

Heart: 3

Social: 8

which is... scary. after all, wouldn't you be scared if you could "be the pinnacle of success or the depths of failure". i know which way i'm heading towards right now, sighhhhhh~

anyway, more at: http://www.beyondhogwarts.com/harry-potter/articles/an-introduction-to-arithmancy.html

and i am now done killing time; hungry~

-----

"I think I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

- Charlie Brown

that rather applies to me, except the cause and effect link is a little different. imminent sadness usually induces a sudden and unexpected high in me before i go crashing down.

forget your fear of falling

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

- Jim Morrison

i want to write more, but i guess now isn't the time;

hang in there.

now now now

i have this strange desire to fall into a giant puddle and lie there staring at the sky as big fat raindrops splatter all over me; maybe it'll rain during training tmr :D