when you know nothing at all

i wanted to post something as a reminder to myself the other day but never got to doing it. but i guess there isn't much time to do that today too so i shall try to not... ramble :/ (omg blood donation was rather surreal)

anyway, it's strange how the people who should be the ones encouraging you turn out to be the ones who make you doubt yourself the most. they'll never see these words, but thanks for all the constant reminders to "stop pretending, you know you can't do it". many years ago i thought i wanted something but you all told me that i didn't actually want it, so geez okay maybe i didn't know myself and you guys knew better.

that said and half a lifetime of doubting myself later, i realise that i do still want that, so i think it's time for you people to shut the fuck up and not tell me what i care and not care about. you don't know me anymore. perhaps you did when i was younger, but i've changed and it's time that you stop acting like you know better. you really don't, because you only see what you want to see. but warped as it is, i'm still thankful because the self-doubt and self-reflection only helped me better understand myself. i know what a terribly flawed person i am and there's no need for you to throw it at me every single day. and really, please don't presume you know the motivation behind my very action because honestly, you couldn't be more wrong.

some part of me wonders if i turned out the way i am because of what you said, that i don't care because you told me that i didn't, that i'm lazy and self-centered and irresponsible and goal-less and shallow and useless because you told me that was the kind of person i am. but that's just me trying to push the blame to you and self-fulfilling prophecies, because in the end i guess it's my fault for being so weak-minded that i believed everything you told me.

that stops now though, because i'm not some impressionable young kid anymore and i don't want to be the kind of person that you say i am.

"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff."
- Carl Sagan

asdfzxcvjkl

dammit i was supposed to be doing work; urgh distractions T.T and i wish my lappie's graphics thingy will stop randomly crashing. and i want to make a new blogskin again, it's been way too long and this skin is pissing me off; too muted rarh. oh and i need to make a skin for project-odd~ ok this is really random :/ and i hate it that i piss myself off and yet still do nothing about it.

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"There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existence of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip."
- Stephen Fry

i need to freaking get a grip on my life; must. not. screw. this. up. any. further.

just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind

and in my mind too, for that matter

shooting stars through your heart

most of the photos are by my sis, it was quite funny to come home and find her busying about my room in semi-darkness. and i think i've been playing too much henhouse, my eyes are going a little @@. anyway this is me procrastinating again~~

on a history book page

"How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?"
-Don DeLillo

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it's been awhile since i blogged and it kinda bugs me to leave such big gaps in my entries; i'm just the kind of person who likes to be able to trace how i've spent my time. so yeps, cny was cny, lots of omnomnom-ing and visiting with the ying jo zinc chels was beyond awesome. the same old chomping away at all the snacks and then pingpong at zinc's again.

2010...



2011...

cool right? ;D and lol ying and i are a joke teehee. our expressions (L) oh that reminds me, i have random sequences to gif >D tee hee hee. and yay more photos for my wall :D and not the facebook one, because if you thought of that first you seriously need to stop thinking of that site; my sis stayed up all night replying to her birthday well wishes, tsk.

oh yes, my parents baked a cake for her :O nothing compared to the one zinc made for ying but hey, i'm impressed haha.

and oh yes, orientation campfire was... nostalgic.


i just look at the j1s and wonder, wow were we really that happy? jc was a whole new adventure, and quoting our batch song "this ain't just another journey, not just another story, it won't be just like the rest, cause hwachong's ours to remember". the memories (L) - gotta hold on to them and make many more.

"No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel someday."
- Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

but i believe

thought about so many things today, but i guess this isn't the place so a very belated
HAPPY CNY EVERYONE!
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live like you're dying,
because you are.