Wednesday, December 08, 2010

melodrama; take two

honestly, i'm not particularly sad or depressed but i'm bored :/ well i wasn't particularly bored since i was reading a really fascinating book, where this guy straps his victim to a table with a mirror above for them to see themselves and proceeds to cut off everything on the body leaving behind a completely bald head attached to just a block of torso with nothing else whatsoever. oh the eyelids, teeth and tongue are gone too. and he actually does it bit by bit, in no order whatsoever, so sometimes he removes the hands and feet before moving up to elbow and knee etc. fascinating right? and all this while playing hangman with the poor dude being dismembered. so in the end you have this... potato with a head, who happens to still be alive and can only make high keening noises with crazed eyes that see nothing but horror and pain.

perfect for brightening your day eh? to think i was reading this before training, no wonder i was a little nuts today. but anyway, the book ended. and now i'm bored. and i feel obliged to have another one of my wallow-in-self-pity posts, since my posts have been rather brief and cryptic so far. and because i need to keep a friend entertained ;)

so... i was thinking about something just now. and now i don't remember. oops.

nvm. i shall just consider some deep meaningful issue to make sure that my grey matter hasn't packed up and left to visit more happening places.

so not too long ago i was having the usual, who am i? identity crisis. well, obviously i'll never really know because the answer to that question is longer than the answer scheme for a 15mark bio free response question.

-cancels out long pointless rant that started to deviate into cashew nuts and oreos-

basically, i'd like to think that a person, this living breathing thing with arms and legs (unless they get sawed off of course) has enough depth of character that you can't define him/her in a few words. gosh, didn't english teachers always say flat characters make for a lousy story?

anyway, there are many facets of a person's personality. and i say facets and not facades. the fact that a person behaves differently around different people does not mean that one of those is just a fake or mask. it just means you're able to react to stimulus, and that is one of the characteristics of life fyi (all that bio has to be useful somehow). i mean even the ronald macdonald statue can do it. did you know, in phuket he does that palms flat together greeting the thai people all do; how cute :)

so yes, different situations bring out different sides of a person, like how a certain person can make me really vindictive and mean. but that said, i don't really think of myself as much of a bitch. not really anyway. it's a human thing to behave differently around different people. there's always the element of trust, in that how much of yourself you're willing to let others know. this doesn't mean you're pretending to be someone else (unless you actually are then shame on you you liar) it just means you're only letting a little bit of that amazing person inside to come out and play.

and damn this is getting long. i'm not sure where i'm going with all this but personally i just think people, myself included, should stop trying to stick a label on themselves, like hey i'm smart funny and totally awesome so come grovel at my feet. -cancels out a lot of unnecessary swearing- what i'm trying to say is everyone is constantly changing and that's good. it's fine to stop and think, who am i now? look in the mirror, would you like the person you see? if you don't, there's still time to change it. that reflection won't always be the same, and it won't be the addition of new frown lines or a darkening of your skin.

the thing is, in the end you're not always going to be the person you are now, so don't waste too much time fretting about your identity, or lack of it in my case, and just hang on and enjoy the ride. you'll find out more about yourself as you go on in life. thinking about it all the time won't make much of a difference anyway, because as the personality tests all say, your perceived self isn't always the same as your true self. you'll only find out the person you really are when you find yourself in a new experience and completely unsure of what you'll do next.

that's the beauty of life; and cliched as it is, carpe diem my friends.


okay i am back because i am still bored and avoiding having to get out of my chair. so i am a chair potato, sue me. anyway, because i spend too much of my time browsing random sites, it's time to spam some quotes.

"There are so many things that will never happen to me again, and I never noticed when those things stopped occurring. And it does not mean I wish I had my old life back, because I like my new life better; I was just shocked to discover how much of what used to be central to my existence doesn’t even matter to me anymore."
-Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman

"Remembering our past, carrying it with us always, may be the necessary requirement for maintaining, as they say, the wholeness of the self. To ensure that the self doesn’t shrink, to see that it holds on to its volume, memories have to be watered like potted flowers, and the watering calls for regular contact with the witnesses of the past, that is to say, with friends. They are our mirror; our memory; we ask nothing of them but that they polish the mirror from time to time so we can look at ourselves in it."
-Identity by Milan Kundera

"Look, it’s not that they hate each other. Or that apathy has replaced love. You can’t measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange. It’s just that their heads are empty. It might even be out of tact that they’re refusing to talk, if they’ve got nothing to say."
-Identity by Milan Kundera

"When you are young, you always expect that the world is going to end. And then you get older and the world still chugs along and you are forced to re-evaluate your stance on the apocalypse as well as your own relationship to time and death. You realize that the world will indeed continue, with or without you, and the pictures you see in your head. So you try to understand the pictures instead."
-Life After God by Douglas Coupland

and this just might be my longest post ever. wow. and i realised i seem to have a problem deciphering the fine line between hunger and boredom :/