i think i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. or maybe i'm already there. and i don't even know why. though i suppose mrs ting assigning us the project on our ideal school probably triggered it.
thinking about what i would really enjoy only made me realise how far reality is from it. i suppose i can honestly say that i. hate. school. i have nothing against learning or education, but its the means in which it's being carried out that makes me hate it so much. all i feel like doing right is throwing all my textbooks into a bonfire and hop around chanting windows! doors!
and somehow, i'm back to wondering about the point of school. so perhaps the whole point of studying is to get good grades to get a good future doing some non 9-5 job so that we don't spend the later part of our lives doing more or less what we're doing right now. but i still don't see the damn point. the only studying we're doing is memorising and regurgitating. i've written enough reflections to know how bloody moral i need to be to get a good grade which supposedly gives me a brief flash of happiness. damnit a cup of mango ice blended can make me happier.
i need to stop degrading into swearing in every consecutive sentence. but regardless, the studying just never seems to end. we study for this EOY just so that we can study for the next EOY and the next, and the next and it just goes on and on until finally we graduate with some form of respectable degree. i feel like a goddamn hamster on a wheel. and if you do well for something, they'll expect more of you and push you harder and harder. if i can run this fast on the hamster wheel they're just going to keep pushing to see how fast i can go until something snaps and i spend the rest of my life burnt out. i suspect that's what happened already.
i think i used to care more. but now the world can go to hell for all that matters. if some warning siren sounds i'll run out with flags to encourage whatever weapon of mass destruction that's heading our way to just bloody hurry up already. i guess civic responsibility just wasn't meant for me. but if that big toy in the sky would wipe just me off the face of this earth then boy would i be even happier. i have never really been a big fan of dragging innocent bystanders down with me.
actually, i don't even know why i'm freaking out over this or EOYs. i havent even started EOY revision and if chem o is sending me into this much emotional upheaval, i think i'm not cut out for persuing an academic life. i think i want to be a librarian.
and i have no idea what's wrong with me right now though i sincerely apologise for whatever bridges ive burnt along this precarious road of self destruction. i think i'll go stare at the wall for awhile and let my subconscious cry its heart out because i have no idea what it's so upset about. nothing's changed. and i suppose that's cause enough to be sad.
though i suppose depression may be contagious. apparently some girl jumped off a builing in bedok today. nevertheless, i shall just hope whatever self salvation instinct i have left kicks in soon. i hope i'll have a chance to pick up the pieces.