never gonna regret watching every sunset

today didn't go well, quite terribly actually; i think the interviewers were just trying to get rid of me but oh wells, what's done is done. it's up to fate now, although every thing seems to be trying to tell me not to go to uk. from the insane A level papers to my knees-that-ache-on-cold-rainy-days, maybe my mum is right and sometimes life is trying to throw you a few subtle hints that something's not meant to happen. but i'm going to need a much more obvious sign, like maybe a giant neon billboard saying "you must not be a vet", before i put all my eggs in that basket.

anyway, i've come to realise that the little mistakes i've made this past month and a day shouldn't be regrets because there really are more important things to regret. and i'm glad i've only had two so far that can contend for that heavyweight title.

a new quote i added to my wall during the A levels: once you have perceived that life is very cruel, the only response is to live with as much humanity, humour and freedom as you can. i may have typed that out before, but no harm doing it again since after all, it's usually the first thing i see every morning and it's scrawled large enough that even with my worsening myopia i can still read it without my glasses.

and my astigmatism is getting worse, its starting to make wearing contacts very very difficult; everything is just too bright.


When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say, we've had our fun

Will we make a mark this time
Will we always say we tried

We're standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out

Standing on the rooftops
Wait until the bombs drop
This is all we got now
Scream until your heart stops

and i was playing guitar hero with my sis and dad just now and doing a lot of random screaming. my voice now sounds like a grizzly bear's. grrrrr~~~

called to the horns

i am very very worried for friday; if they decide to ask all sorts of technical questions i am going to be utterly stumped. i have so much to revise for it; wonder whether it would be smarter to start preparing for it now or to straighten out my bio for thursday's paper first and figure out the interview stuff later.

and my attempt to understand wikipedia's quantum mechanics page was just... sad. i was trying to comprehend the Schrödinger's cat experiment but my brain was blown to bits.

oh and yes, ONE MORE PAPER LEFT ;D

AND LOL SOMETHING I FOUND FROM A POST IN 2009:

eeps. there's still the A levels, if my delicate disposition even survives that long. i think when A's come i will undergo a complete shutdown and run off into some corner of my head to play chess with myself. or, i could have turned into a rather messy pile of human innards.

i just realised that i haven't played chess with silas (my com, if you're confused) in really really long. and i'm glad that i've yet to implode and i'm happy to say that i probably won't. my delicate disposition seems to have manned-up from increased exposure to testosterone and mind boggling exams. and econs. oh econs, the pains i went through just for you.

oh and yes, zinc and i were talking about the existence souls on the bus ride home today (lol our discussion was very philosophical) and i got reminded of noetic science from 'The Lost Symbol'. but thats irrelevant, cause in the end we concluded that we'd find out when we find out, which hopefully wont be soon.

i'm not sure what the point of typing that out was, but it's useful in case a couple of years down the road i start wondering what i did/talked/thought about back then. which is actually something i do once in awhile, like today evidently.

anyway, i shall go back to feeling very demoralised by all these uk students who have so much work experience that is so varied that i wonder if i even stand a teeny tiny chance. but what am i supposed to do since singapore has no lamb farms! nor cow farms! and too few stables! oh wells, i will find out when i find out. here's to hoping tomorrow will be a productive day, toodles.

now and again

that strange unpleasant feeling :/

Au Jour Le Jour

"But feelings are just having a picture on the screen in your head of what is going to happen tomorrow or next year, or what might have happened instead of what did happen, and if it is a happy picture they smile and if it is a sad picture they cry."

"And when you look at the sky you know you are looking at stars which are hundreds and thousands of light years away from you. And some of the stars don't even exist any more because their light has taken so long to get to us that they are already dead, or they have exploded and collapsed into red dwarfs. And that makes you seem very small, and if you have difficult things in your life it is nice to think that they are what is called negligible which means that they are so small you don't have to take them into account when you are calculating something."

- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

it's nice to be able to start reading books again, there are so many i want to open and lose myself in. and i used to do that thing where i think of how very small i am in the greater scheme of the universe and it felt comforting to know how insignificant my screw-ups were. except it was really hard to find stars in singapore and i just end up wondering if i'm looking at a star or airplane. but it's nice to know that this same star was shining down on us back then and the starlight i finally get to see today (or not) is something we sort-of shared.

and i'm thinking i'm sort of obsessed, but sometimes a memory helps us to be a little more brave in a frightening world. and that's the beautiful thing about memories. you see everything through rose-tinted glasses and the good will always be there to give you strength and warm fuzzy feelings; and the bad can get the hell lost.

saudade

it's moments like now that i wish i could dig a hole and disappear for awhile

mess mess mess

i can't bring myself to pack everything up, the idea of filing away notes is so depressing i'd be so much happier just throwing everything out the window (though i'll probably regret it later zzz). A's are sort-of-over and i can't wait for them to be officially over. i wanna play ultimate again. and go shopping. oooo i sent my dress for alteration today, hope it turns out okay n.n

and i just bought blueberries, can't wait to bake something with them before my auntie eats them all up ]:

a long way down

Our life is made up of time; our days are measured in hours, our pay measured by those hours, our knowledge is measured by years. We grab a few quick minutes in our busy day to have a coffee break. We rush back to our desks, we watch the clock, we live by appointments. And yet your time eventually runs out and you wonder in your heart of hearts if those seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years and decades were being spent the best way they possibly could. In other words, if you could change anything, would you?
-Cecilia Ahern

the s-thing-that-must-not-be-named (and it isn't sex lol)

something ying sent me and i'll do since i'm keeping today s-word free n.n

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
鸡蛋
2. Are you loud, outgoing, or shy?
a mix of all 3? but more shy n.n
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
鸡蛋
4. Are you easy to get along with?
of course n.n
5. Have you ever given up on someone, but then gone back to him or her?
why would someone give up on someone?!!
6. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
he'd probably be more drunk lololol
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship 2 months from now?
i hope so!
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
鸡蛋
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
not particularly, unless its really really deviant; like whips and chains deviant ._.
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
hmms... what is considered deep? probably joey?
11. What does your most recent text say?
i was really confused too @@ ... ...
12. How do you feel about abortion?
an option that should be available to every woman
13. Do you like big crowds of people?
i'm okay with them as long as they're not invading my personal space
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
yes, i really need some right now :S
15. What good things happened this summer?
what summer?
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
how many people do you think i kiss -.-
17. Do you think there is life on another planet?
probably not the kind of life we're familiar with but yeps
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
nopes :/
19. Do you like bubble baths?
love! i was longing for a nice hot one yesterday after playing frisbee in the rain
20. Do you like your neighbors?
i don't really know them, they have a very annoying dog (lol ironic i know, coming from me)
21. What are your bad habits?
too many to list but the worst would probably be my constant procrastination; i figure laziness is one of my major character flaws; that and my inability to light a stove
22. Where would you like to travel?
all around the world
23. Do you have trust issues?
kinda
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
the part where i get to eat n.n
25. What body part are you most uncomfortable with?
the knees, they're all weird ]:
26. What do you do when you wake up?
go back to sleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
mmm a little darker maybe?
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
my dogs and ex-cat
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
-.-
30. Do you ever want to get married?
yes, and my house will have the most epic sized bathtub! and dogs! and cats!
31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
yes
32. Which celebrities would you like having a threesome with?
the only one i'm a fan of is unfortunately dead
33. Spell your name with your chin.
o.o
34. Do you play sports?
ultimate n.n
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
without tv, is this not really obvious?
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
yeps
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
nothing, it's more interesting to find out what the other person says
38. Do you think age matters in relationships?
it complicates things
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
do online stores count? it's been awhile since i bought stuff over a counter :/
40. What do you want to do after high school?
after A's? a lot of things! eat awesome food, watch old movies, play ultimate, possibly go for dance again, volunteer at RDA and ACRES and maybe somewhere else, read all my books and oops i'm thinking this question was meant to be more of a long term thing uhh i don't know
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
depends on what they did and why
42. If you’re being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
i've fallen asleep
43. Do you smile at strangers?
all the time hahahaha
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
outer space! there are very very freaky creatures at the bottom of the ocean; they're scary ._.
45. Do you want a roommate?
only if that person's nice
46. What are you paranoid about?
losing stuff
47. What was the meanest thing someone ever said to you?
you never loved her
48. The nicest thing?
i'm not saying ;)
49. Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?
yes
50. What language do you want to learn?
i'd like to relearn chinese :/ but spanish would be fun too

there done n.n

stormy days

these violent delights have violent ends

so the first week is over and i'm exhausted; emotionally drained too. i can't stand how i've made so so so many careless and obvious mistakes. what's the point of doing well in jc exams if simple carelessness will screw up your A levels. sucks. i can't believe i actually missed out questions even. what is wrong with me??!

discipline

breathe

the countdown is scaring the shit out of me ._.
i hope the next 4 weeks go fine, i hope i can finish my papers, i hope i know how to do my papers.

please please please let me be lucky.

what a feeling

CMON CMON I WANT A'S TO END ALREADY~
but i don't want them to start :(

all the time

so beautiful~

nyctophobia

i had the strangest dream involving bear yesterday. people kept trying to wash him in the washing machine with all sorts of things and i think my sis almost succeeded one time and if she had, bear would have come out pink ._.

oh and i crashed my parents' room at 2am last night cause i simply couldnt sleep with the strange smell of mosquito incense in my room. i just sprawled on the floor with my arsenal of pillow blanket bolster and bear and i think mosquito incense screws up some of the chemicals in my brains because it tossed to the forefront of my mind some of my greatest fears. it was really really strange :/ but in the morning i got to claim my parents entire bed after they woke up and it was so good~ the perks of going back to sleep n.n

like a rainbow

urgh my body is totally crashing, and i can't study at all in my fevered state. this is such terrible timing. i am very worried about A levels, but then again, who isn't?

much much more please

this weekend has been pretty chill, if only graduating actually meant i could stop studying. saturday was starbucks with ying, but terribly hard to focus, was so sleepy and fell asleep during tuition too. but after that was movie with lc and beef chilli cheese fries (:D). both were awesome; watch 'midnight in paris' it was really cool and funny!

today was SOA with ying again, but before that we went cedele for some really nice bread and then SOA to study but again, unproductive. i spent too much time craving all the food and ice cream. mmm mango alfonso and passionfruit sorbets, garlic prawn pasta, lemon meringue pie gelato with super rich brownie (i shall bake some soon hopefully), mushroom soup with garlic toast; basically soa food is amazing, everything is super nice and i need to update my food album ;D and i spent too much time at soa watching random vids on the ipad lol and then this (super duper cute) kid came over to watch the lion king videos. ying went nuts over him lolol. i was just worried for my data booklet and MF15 but the only casualties were my 4th ionisation energy of Fe and 2sinAcosB formula but they're still readable under the orange doodles and correction fluid. and good thing mildliners dont die after being dipped in eyedrops @@

and i baked cupcakes! super sweet icing but the still-warm ones (without icing)  i tried were not bad :O (even though i fudged my way about a bit) teehee, ive been baking every weekend it feels really nice :)

i think i won't be going for all the mocks tomorrow, havent studied :S

to no end

i seem to go through this cycle every time i try and remember something i've studied before for prelims/blocks D:

sheep like that

SO CUTE !

and lol epic slack weekend,  i'm not sure how time managed to pass so quickly :O

to the reading room i must go tomorrow!

empty

you weren't the one who held her to sleep at nights; you weren't the one who cried into her fur when no one else would have understood; you weren't the one who tried to stay awake studying the most boring topics with her next to you; you weren't the one who fell asleep with her when that didn't work out; you weren't the one who put out her breakfast in the mornings before going to school; you weren't the one who brought her into the house when we got home at nights (no you headed straight for the tv); you weren't the one who hoped she'd come in through your room window when you couldn't find her outside the gate that day; you weren't the one who felt contented just petting her and hearing her loud-as-a-train purr;

you weren't the one who tried to love her; you couldn't; i did.

she scratched you and she bit you and you called her a terrible cat. she scratched me, she bit me, i just held on tighter or tried again. do you know how happy i was the first time she fell asleep in my lap? i'd finally gotten through to her. you have no idea how hard i tried to build that amazing bond with her so please, who are you to judge?

you fed her medicine once, and you think you cared for her more than i did? ha. she never meant anything to you. i was the one who choose her at spca; i named her (yes i have an obsession with naming); i loved her; love, still; always.

and i don't need to prove that to you.

kind of

i'm back in that funk where the days all blur together into a mass of reading room and bed and somehow i seem to do very little in the many hours that just fly by. i'm really worried i won't even be halfway-prepared by the time A levels are here :S

of everything

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." - Albus Dumbledore

in the sea of my own doubt

thanks to ying i've been listening to that on repeat, super nice song~

i need to start doing what i know i should, mustn't lose sight of what it's all for. i can't believe how a small and careless idea grew to become so utterly all-engulfing. i will do what must be done!

*bangs head repeatedly on hard surface*

OMG I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT EVER WTFASD

the rise and fall

reading "the lost symbol" is really confusing, not because they use a lot of big words and foreign languages, but because so many of the concepts they suggest go against everything i know to be true. yet, the possibilities of such things are just mind-blowing. i think this is why i don't read sci-fi; i end up wondering what if this thing or that thing could be true and then i sweep my mind off its metaphorical feet. mmm vaguely disoriented right now~

omnomnomagain

wheee i updated my food album yesterday and it was so awesome looking at all the good food and i'm off to go hunt down good popiah with ying and jen, toodles~

and oh yes i got my tan back yayyyyy im black again n.n shall post the instax we took on monday at ecp soon :D

these 3 inches are beyond me

murtabak adventures with ying on saturday was omnomnom awesome, we wandered down to this zamzam place and cleverly ordered one each and got so full we were burping murtabak the rest of the day. super good and i'd post pictures but i'm too lazy n.n i need to update my food album soon yummy~

this was followed by a long overdue walk down haji land and we saw these pretty laptop cases/file thingys that we were so tempted to get but didn't D: then went to bras basah where i promptly sat on the nearest bench to nurse my aching feet while ying got her contacts before we proceeded to do even more walking to soul for the flb flea which was mega packed and spent our time crab-walking through the crazy crowds. ended up only getting some instax film which i plan to use a lot of soon :D and if i really do end up so shutter happy i shall have more pictures to plaster onto my wall @@ that sounds a little scary though so maybe i should consider getting an instax album instead hmms :/

oh and friday after chem paper was pickup in school which was really awesomeeeeeee~ wheee my feet are grossly patchy again but this is what i get for playing barefoot. but it was all worth it n.n mmm 12 more hours till after-prelims and i can finally go ecp again for cycling with the class, though i'm not sure yet if i feel physically up to cycling since i feel super tired for some strange reason even though i had like 14 hours of sleep :/ yeah, 14 i kid you not ;D it was good and filled with the half-remembered dreams that come with deep sleep.

and my back is starting to hurt from all this sitting on the floor so it might be time to lie down and accidentally fall asleep so that i can have some 8 hours of sleep and just not study for bio since prelims are a lost cause anyway. but then my guilt will come back and bitchslap me and i'll spend the rest of the day emo-ing about why i seem to have no self-discipline whatsoever. so i think i shall spend some time reading a book instead and start revision at... 10 :/ sounds like a plan, seeya~

and what a long pointless rant this has turned out to be ._.

where did the fight go

Mal: You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe? What do you feel?
Cobb: Guilt.

almost almost almost

7 hours more till quasi freedom!! and lol i had 8 hours of sleep, that was pretty awesome. okay time to pack up  and go to school T.T where is my beaten up pikachu!

all packed up

(oh lol i just posted this into the wrong blog mmm might be time to clean up my dashboard oops)

my room looks livable again yay~ except it's just going to return to its paper avalanche state once i take out chem for tomorrow D< shall delay that and bask in the vast amount of floor space i suddenly have again n.n (lol strange urge to sprawl on the floor and sloth around but then i'll fall asleep and you won't hear from me again until 11pm when my sis kicks me awake as she seems to be doing quite often; ouch backaches)

anyway i can't wait for prelims to be over, each one just gets more and more painful urgh. i suddenly feel a little bit like a krill in a too big ocean. and this is unrelated, but i had the strangest dream involving cows yesterday :/

and im itching to get shoes again but i can't help it this are my female singaporean genes doing their thing (lol i actually read the newspapers today and it talked about how sg women are more materialistic :O oh wait i knew that already :/) and so, in the spirit of not hoarding, i must resist! actually i don't have a choice the monster pair of toe crushing boots i want are way out of my league but gah they are so awesomeeeeee maybe china will spew out a knock off >D zzz shoe lusting in the morning is such a bad way to start the day. i must step away from the com before i do something i shouldn't but won't regret... which is not possible, even the temptation of lemon meringue pie gelato at SOA cant make me get off my butt. phooey i shall just sit here and inhale teddy bear fur.

decreasing at an increasing rate

joey made me curious so i went to check:

80.4%, 79.0%, 75.8%, 69.8%, ...?

that is not a good trend ._.

so tell me why

OMG I FINALLY HAVE A WORKING PRINTER.
except that it's black and white only :/
and the first thing i printed was this: http://www.subway.com.sg/promotions/wk1_coupon.jpg
kinda pointless since the week is ending and cow, that is a lot of vouchers :O in black and white ._.
but omg i can print things! like this lol, black and white but still *_* a printer is so empowering~~

and lololol i have kfc subway and coffeebean in my tummy, they're going to kill each other :O
i shall root for subway :)

time to go dedustify the bear i just dug out with a golf club, i'm amazed i didn't kill anything throughout the whole process phew~


When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.
-The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho


i don't remember that, which just means it's time to start rereading books yayyy ^^

your faith walks on broken glass

EXHAUSTED!
one week and a bit more to go; hang in there hang in there hang in there~~
the papers have been really terrible so far, especially the not finishing part and the last minute cramming. seriously, what was i doing during all those hours at the reading room???! i feel as if i haven't gotten anywhere on my revision and dammit i am so tired now i'd be crashing in bed except we had such a heavy dinner i feel as if my stomach is starting to exert gravity on everything around me. lol acio pillow~~

gotta keep reminding myself of why i'm going through all of this for; that teeny tiny barely existent chance of finally getting something that keeps slipping out of my reach. it will all be worth it! even if you don't get what you want :S as miss sun very happily told us before bio, "enjoy the paper!" which i actually do, but that's only during the process of doing and puzzling out questions. the time limit just ruins everything because you can't fully appreciate how much effort has gone into creating a question to totally screw with your head and self-confidence lololol. and then after that you're like, oh shit why didn't i write that or oh shit why no time againnnn!

i wish my digestion would speed up a little. oh lol i just got reminded of a scene i saw in a sci fi show where cute little creatures made of fat bud off people and start walking around making cute sounds. it was really weird, they just bud off like exocytosis lol. and yeah, no link.

and and and omg i can't wait for after A levels, so many things i want to do~~
trip with class to... taiwan?
trip with ying to somewhere nice and relaxing where we can just sloth about reading books (there are so many i've been wanting to read!)
some time at acres/ animal shelter to immerse myself in some furry goodness
lots and lots of ultimate
playing final fantasy!
coding a new blogskin (finallyyyyy~)
watching movies while nomming on giant bowls of assorted cereal
snuggling up in bed and never getting up
going to the beach and being a public hazard/nuisance (i miss the feel of sand and sea on bare feet D:)
long slow walks to nowhere
sleeping in on rainy days
sleeping in on lazy days
sleeping in whenever i want to
sleeping on the living room floor and cuddling with all the dogs (that actually sounds kind of barbaric lol)

and okay, i'm done tormenting myself with all the things i want to do, time to go shower now that i feel less likely to trip over my own tummy lolol. and i need to start fighting for possession of the ipad, apparently there are a lot of super cool apps! and omg i need to buy film for my instax ]< there's none left rarhhhhh~

toes crossed

what to do what to do what to do i have about 5 hours max left to prepare for econs and i haven't started i've just been sorting through the stacks and stacks of paper flying around my room and i dont know where to start oh dear T.T

and i'm such a hoarder *facepalm*

a day of prelim prep

pvsp was super fun; it's been too long since i last played ultimate and im damn unfit and damn lost all the time but it was still awesomeeeee~ prelim prep <3 i can't believe we got 3rd, completely unexpected but a very pleasant surprise :D

MAF was really nice too, especially since i actually got to stay for sodache this year n.n jumping around with the ultimate people even though our calves were gonna fall off + screaming/singing (?) at the top of our voices + no joining of human trains phew. hahas the school dances were super hilarious, mostly making things up along the way while surreptitiously following some other girl who seemed to know what she was doing, which i obviously didnt lol. it was fun ttm even though i only managed to get 2 passable instax shots (shall not try using my instax for night shots again unless extremely desperate)

my last MAF and first PvsP as a HC student; i'm really glad i went ^^

not done yet

not much, but hey it's more than i've achieved on any other day. 2 topics of bio yoz, i am so going to fail prelims but oh wells... PVSP TMR WOOHOO ;D

passed me by

WHY IS IT FRIDAY ALREADY!

turn back the countdown

omg joey i can't stop watching the project glee glee project (lol too much project odd) vids , hahas now i know why you're so crazy over it. that one is somehow my favourite, i can't get over the awesome old school denim and big hair thing. and samuel's look reminds me a lotttttt of mj ^^ oh and i still want to try your cakes :(

anyway, i FINALLY finished my first draft. i think i've been too easy on myself and letting myself drag it out so that i can avoid doing any real studying. now that it's sort of done, i need to start studying omg no time left. somehow, i seem to have achieved nothing from spending so many hours in the reading room before the holidays. why why why what was i doing... ukcat? and what else!

oh wells, time to get cracking! and i feel like ive just taken a life-changing step; but i really really hope everything falls into place in the end. i hope one day i get to work with elephants. and dolphins. and whaleesssss hahas okay now im getting carried away. but i want i want; pleaseeeeeee?

so the holidays are here, which ironically means its time to start studying really hard. sighhhhhhhhhhh~ i hate certain cycles that wont stick to the months too, just saying :(

and blogger's new interface looks so much more professional, though it really reminds me of a google doc page; creepy~ and obviously i'm procrastinating because the throbbing in my uterus is really distracting :/

no matter, i will be disciplined and do work after dinner! right :/ i think i shouldn't have ate so much ice cream at SOA, but how was i to know it was coming.

anyway, just to help me organise my thoughts... i shall do a revision plan. after dinner. food is just as good for cramping uteri as fat fluffy dogs n.n

and this was a really really random post, but oh wells i havent managed to maintain a single train of thought for very long today.

and oh yeah, i forgot to take a pic of the keep calm and carry on book we gave daryl :( my wrapping seems to have improved cause ying thought i didn't do it myself n.n and the juniors gave us really awesome gifts, but my sis says the sketch they did made me look like an octopus -.- or an orangutan :/ actually i don't remember, just that it wasn't a very nice thing to look like lolllll~

okay dinner time; ta ta~

iridescent

in an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

when the phone rings, i put it
to my ear without saying hello.
in the restaurant i point
at chicken noodle soup. i am
adjusting well to the new way.

late at night, i call my long-
distance lover and proudly say:
i only used fifty-nine today.
i saved the rest for you.
when she doesn’t respond, i know
she’s used up all her words,
so i slowly whisper i love you,
thirty-two and a third times.

after that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

- Jeffrey McDaniel

thank you

i stole the stars and hid them in my room

omg 2.5hours of assembling and fighting with industrial strength double-sided tape but its FINISHED YAYYYY! its actually much brighter but yeah, bad pictures cause my cam can't take in the dark very well. and lol, the holes in my icosahedral bacteriophage head-lookalike are cause i'm apparently more idiotic than your average idiot, cause i stuck the double-sided tape on all the wrong places and even though they gave extra strips for idiots like me, the extras still weren't enough. so yeah, i sort of improvised but everything didnt fit that well. seriously, how could those manufacturing people in china be considered "low-skilled"; freak i think assembling this took more skill than i evidently possess.

but heh heh heh, i managed to assemble it with only chinese instructions to follow kay! okay fine, and pictures too but they didn't really make much sense. i'm thinking this shall be my new night light (omg i stepped on my laptop while flouncing about in the dark just now; it's still working though. okay, right, duh, i'm blogging on it -.-) and the coolest part is that it has a power cable so i don't actually have to buy batteries. teehee, what an awesome way to use electricity >]

oh but urgh, fingers hurttttttt~

quieten your heart

omg they annoyed the bitch out of me;

i've never sworn so much in my life ]<

arghh!!

anyway, ukcat in about 12 hours i am very very scared.

i still can't even finish the sections, howwwww

i miss...

something i chanced upon in my com;

like headless chickens indeed.

boy did we have fun ;D

and all that lovely flying hair n.n

okay very random, tata.

why so complex

oh gosh ive eaten too many chocolate loveletters, my tummy hurts D:

anyway, camped at ying's house today and conquered half her table and two chairs. actually one only, since i just couldn't fit into the other one :/ we weren't that productive, a lot of distractions and too little food. now ive got this giant container of munchies staring at me :(

not sure why i'm blogging, but it's going to be a long and tiring week this coming 5 days (or 6, if i dont postpone my ukcat again)

mustttt holdddddd onnnnnnnnn~~~

on the sidewalk in the pouring rain

mmm i forgot what i wanted to say :S

but i realised there's a major contradiction in my life T.T i love animals, but i also love eating them. actually just cows and chickens and salmons, but still... @@

we all build our own heavens

a sequence of fortunate events

today i realised i have terrible self-confidence.

and not the kind of 'stand in front of numerous people and speak' kind of self-confidence, since i did that with jo for IVP (omg terrible court shoes experience) and with ying for GEP open house and almost everyday in 08/09 even though thirteeners mostly have ADHD. oh and with the byte-ers too, who don't exactly listen to you but just stare at their screen. and smoking my way through poster presentations with zinc and jen for SMP/SSEF.

see, this is me convincing myself that i can actually do it by recalling past experiences of doing so. but if anyone asked me to do anything right now i'd probably turn them down and say i'm not capable of it.

no matter what happens, i'll never think that i have the ability to do it even though i actually might. i still remember the first thing tambb said to me was "eh you can be ct rep!" in the same tone that she says "eh you must do a z-test!" and i told her no in the same way i told tanny no in sec 2 that i didn't want to be monitor because i'd probably do a bad job. the difference was that tanny insisted and convinced me to try while in hc if you say no then other ppl will gladly grab the opportunity. (not that i regret it, i don't think i would have made a good ct rep anyway)

basically, the point is that i don't have much faith in myself, and hence i don't really get very competitive since i don't think i have a chance anyway. and i am terrible at selling myself. and this does not bode well for my future, oh dear. future being the not very distant one of unis and scholarships.

i guess my life has been a really really lucky one, because one good thing has led to another. getting into GEP opened a damn lot of doors, i kid you not. and joining infocomm in taonan by chance, winning some nanyang IT comp which led to me DSA-ing into nanyang even though my chinese is as proficient as a squirrel's. and omg nanyang. because of GEP we did IVP, and jo, marshy and i got to wear the silly banana suit and present our weird pseudo curtain rod idea (basically some weird metal grill and fishing reel mashup prototype which was annoying ttm). then i did FPS with ying, queenie and nic and the reason why i am so anal today is because i've had to identify 100+ problems for god knows how many scenarios. oh and because i had to do minutes for mrs teng and she was rather umm... particular about details. and smp in sec 4 was a "zinc and jen came up to me and asked me if i wanted to do with them so i was like "sure with a smiley face"" and chem olympiad was a "since you can qualify might as well go" and infocomm exco was a senior nominations thing.

in the end, i'm lucky to have met people who apparently saw things in me that i never saw in myself. (lol i suddenly feel vaguely uncomfortable, too literal oops) and all this luck kinda carried on in JC, like for chem mrs cheng expected a lot from me because i had been in chem o (even though i failed it quite epicly, like 15/40 or sth) and even for ultimate i'd never have even considered the possibility of playing handler (not that i'm even barely decent) if jack hadn't made me do it at end of J1.

this is why i react so badly to expectations, because they actually push me to fulfill them/realise some potential that i somehow always seem to have, annoying. which means that i must be a natural slacker and underachiever. zzz me sloth *growls*

the flipside of this is that if someone doesn't know you, they won't offer you these opportunities. you have to convince them that you're worthy of if but if i don't think i deserve something, how am i going to convince you? and i just don't have that drive to do all sorts of things, freak i don't even check SMB. and if i have any more acronyms in this post i might have to start a footnote zzz pw. omg another self-fulfilling expectation but nvm, this post is too long and i want to sleep soon so i can wake up and go shopping tmr with my mummy and sis n.n

oh i have another flipside though, before i end. ok so my coin has 3 sides, doesnt that boggle your mind? teehee ;) yeah, the worst thing is that when ppl tell me i can't do something, i believe them. recall earlier epiphany about lacking confidence. right now my parents don't think i can get into vet med, and no matter how hard i tell myself not to freak out and give up, there's that little part of me (which is still quite large considering how i'm not very little to start with) that agrees with them and i foresee myself doing some general degree which i won't really mind actually since i've yet to find anything that i truly dislike. it's all just a matter of how much i enjoy sth and working with animals happens to be what i enjoy the most.

point is, i am where i am purely based on luck, because if everyone in my life had told me that i was doomed i really would have just given up and gone to be a road sweeper. or if no one had pushed me then i would have just turned into a rock (that reads lots of fanfiction and random books).

which is totally not a hasty conclusion or some other fallacy (ive never been good at figuring them out), because if you compare my grades from ny (where trs are like your good friends and they talk to you and encourage you) and hc (where you only see trs in classes, since rocks like me don't arrange consults), i've really been underperforming. zzz underachieving. (read: lazy) i mean, i even managed to get an A for higher chinese with my squirrel-level proficiency because chenlaoshi said i could.

freak, i really am the product of other people's expectations. this really says a lot about me, or rather the lack of things to say about me, since i seem to be lacking a personality. eeks, identity crisis approaching. time to cut off this mega long muse, tata.

wonders of the younger

i realised that the only thing i've used my youtube account for is listening to that album on repeat :/

today has been another lazy day, didn't do any of the work i planned to but it's okay, at least ive signed up for ukcat and as i very determinedly told willy the other day, "it's time to start."

come on kai, discipline~~ think of how much you want it and how frightening it'll be if you don't get it. you've no other options, so you better work your butt off for the only chance you have.

and to all the people who come here too, 加油！

we'll make it through together ;)

---

i want to cry and laugh on the day i get my results back;

i want to hug all my friends and we'll all be crying;

they're going to be tears of joy.

we're going to be happy.

---

Some people talk and talk

and never say a thing.

Some people look at you

and birds begin to sing.

Some people laugh and laugh

and yet you want to cry.

Some people touch your hand

and music fills the sky.

-People by Charlotte Zolotow

"that yakult has more culture than me"

your leaving smile

okay i shall do a proper post now that my iphone is restored and i've only lost 20 days of memory/ies x_x

friday was elections for j1 exco, mm best part was the central plaza pickup and omg the lightup disc is gorgeoussssssss; whoever came up with it was a genius. we played j2s v j1s and i'm glad i got to play with the team for one last time (for now and the near future) (there's still pvsp, but i guess not everyone will be there since its so close to prelims sigh) it was so close to being a perfect night, minus some fuckup in the evening and add in you :/

today was a mega time wasting day, i just watched a 2.5 hour movie and i didn't understand the plot at all; i don't even know the title so dont ask. it was just people shooting each other and blowing things up and strange accents and lots of swearing. i feel guilty for not doing anything productive today; urgh the result of utter laziness.

and just this afternoon (i think :/ my sense of time is a bit messed up) i watched half a korean movie about this strange insurance agent who went all over trying to find clients who he signed up despite suspecting they were just going to kill themselves once their insurance could be cashed in. i didn't get that one either.

epic time wasting day :/ i feel so aimless, shall go lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. if it weren't so high i'd paint the hogwarts crest on it ]<

sigh.

an apple (strudel) a day

oh god; i hope this works @@

you set me spinning

i have wayyyyyyyyyy too much trash in my room; i spent friday and today doing some cleanup but i'm such a hoarder, i can't bear to throw anything away :(

and i can't help that i have so many shoes and bags T.T what am i supposed to do? throw them away too?? D: blasphemy~!

but hey, at least i finally got to filing my GP pile and omg it's so thick it could almost rival my bio notes :O how depressing zzz. oh and i cleared out all of last year's newsweek and the economist that i never really read, oops :S

ok i lost my train of thought, it wandered off somewhere into cyberspace to ogle at this really pretty bag that i want to get too but know i obviously shouldn't and technically can't afford *facepalm* omg i need retail therapy @@

what a frivolous post lol :/

---

"I am going to give you a piece of advice, advice I wish I’d been told back in high school, in between the don’t-do-acid and don’t-drink-and-drive films. I wish our counselors had told us, “When you grow older, a dreadful, horrible sensation will come over you. It’s called loneliness, and you think you know what it is now, but you don’t. Here is the list of the symptoms, and don’t worry, loneliness is the most universal sensation on the planet. Just remember one fact; loneliness will pass. You will survive, and you will be a better human for it."

-Douglas Coupland

the wonderful thing about photos and bluetack is that you can stick all your best memories on a wall and go to sleep each night with a smile on your face. and in the morning when your body feels too weary to get up, you only have to open your eyes to remember why you still do every day.

this is our irrational anthem

my new personal mantra:

everything works out in the end;

if it doesn't work out, it's not the end.

now, all i need is an overdose of discipline a day.

meow~

fever dreams

i guess there's a lot more to say about interjcs (apart from my earlier rather short rant) but somehow i don't think there's anything left to say.

we played, we won, we lost, we played some more. somehow, i don't feel particularly... much about the 3rd we got; not disappointed, not contented, nothing really. i guess in the end it's not the outcome but the journey that matters, and this is really starting to sound like one of those commonwealth essays they always make us write.

anyway, this coming from someone who was really upset at not being able to play on the day itself, shit happens. really nasty and cruel and well you get the drift. on saturday itself, i felt really cheated because interjcs was supposed to be the very climax of the 2 years in hcult and i couldn't damn do anything. even my disc played more than me, sigh. but i realised that it didn't matter. i got to play a few points and sure, it was really really fun playing the game, but all that says is that i still love ultimate (even though at that point in time it was just helping fry up my brain cells).

lincoln tried explaining it to me, about how interjcs was just one competition, and that there were many more, but i just couldn't get it. and strangely, i think i get it. it's not something i can explain. i don't feel extremely bummed, just grateful that i was there and part of that amazing experience. it's... bittersweet i suppose.

i can't explain it. it's the kind of feeling where you're walking along happily eating your cornetto ice cream and someone steals a chunk of it and you're all ]< before you realise that you've already had the 2nd best part, the top, and can still have the best part, the gooey chunk of chocolate at the end of the cone.

i've had 1.5 years of training with the best team ever and no fucked up fever can take that from me and there are so many better things to come so yeps, i'm a nice happy girl right now.

or i would, once i get over how that magical HP phase of my childhood just ended.

and how it really was all just a dream. it felt so real, but at least i get to hold you again in my dreams.

dreams are free, and i know you are too. i'll remember you, always.

this ain't working

ARGHHH WHAT TERRIBLE LUCK I HAVE A FEVER AND ITS ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME

and freak my dad is being an asshole D<

AHHHHH WHY OH WHY YOU FUCKING FEVER

YOU HAVE THE WORST TIMING !@#$%$%&##@$

gotta catch 'em all

this is it

in time we'll find

sigh my thoughts are in a mess, so just a quick post to sort them out.

anyway, training made me rather... pensive and i was really disappointed with myself because interjcs are a day away and i'm still not ready for them. but in the end, ready or not i'll still be there; this led me to the thought that the rest of the team will be there too and that thought really just filled me with wonder.

because even if we don't think we're that great a team, it doesn't change the fact that we'll all still be there on saturday. isn't that amazing? there aren't many people you could say that about. after all, look at how much our batch has shrunk and you know that the people still here will be the ones who'll be there next to you on that final deciding day. maybe i'm just blowing up the whole thing, but somehow being able to trust someone to be there when you need him/her is a fucking great feeling. we're going to play interjcs because the 20 other people in your team don't care how screwed up we are; we're not going down without a fight. if we win, good for us; if we don't, we tried.

but somehow, i think we've already won a much more important fight; we didn't give up. despite all the trainings taking up precious holiday (and block-test-mugging) time, we still went for the trainings. why? i have no idea why i did, and i have even less of an idea why the rest did, but i guess its something that we just did. it's not something anyone would do. many people chose not to much earlier on. and so we've come down to our last training; wow.

i suppose very few people will actually see this post, but i'm really thankful for the team that we have even if abilities-wise, we're not particularly spectacular. after all, at least i know that they're still around not simply because they're good at the game but because it means something to them. and the fact that they haven't given up on the rest of the team, and hopefully not given up on me, means a lot to me.

i guess there are people in the team who think we'll win, and there are those who think we won't. but it doesn't matter because i know you'll be there on saturday and win or lose, we'll do it as a team.

and that's really fucking amazing, don't you think?

still feel your absence

stupid i&i

my hand hurts like a bitch on fire;

sigh.

it's that time of year again where i miss you oh so terribly :/

that feeling of almost remembering

omg my mouth finally feels normal again; wtf blood oranges are gross, the damn thing killed all my taste buds and my tongue felt like this limp piece of dead meat. urgh, gross image. grosser feeling ]<

oh, i realised all meat is dead. oh wait, not true, some meat is eaten live... i think :/

anyway, the class got lectured like crazy by ms sun during bio tutorial today, i feel guilty ttm even though i actually tried to study but she made all of us sound so doomed and hopeless and it was all together very depressing. i dread to get my paper back after she mercilessly tore apart all the stupid answers we gave. T.T i predict another fail for bio. SIGH.

and omg, i found a dead... chrysalis-like thing on my wall; it was empty o_o which means some thing crawled along my wall until it found a nice spot above my MJ poster, made its little pupa, did some transforming and flew off; all this without me knowing @@ im creeped out.

... sigh i'm in a hazy state of mind right now, keep wanting to start on something but then the thought slips away and im back in semi-comatose mode ._.

the storms of life to live and love

YESSSSS IT'S OVERRRRRR~~

and i got back math already, why must mrs tam be so efficient T.T

1 fail, 4 more to go sighhhhh

INTERJCS COMING SOON OHMAGAWD

time to do conditioning D<

perform three papers to ensure reproducible misery

WTHWTHWTHWTHOMGPLANNINGSUCKS

D< D< D< D<

*UNCONTROLLED PROLIFERATION OF EPIC GRUMPY FACE*

seriously, i want to blow things up right now, preferably with very loud bangs and violent flying projectiles.

oh, blowing up marshmallows in the microwave would be nice; actually that's kind of unrelated.

I WANT TO READ FANFIC

ARGHHHHH OKAY I AM PROCRASTINATING, ASDF D<

and dances with the daffodils

omg i am so full;

and freaking sleepy;

---

"So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free."

- Tom Robbins

i have attained equilibrium

mm today was a mucho zen day, woke up and spent time gazing sleepily serenely at the fish pond and splashing water to scare all the koi away. feeding them was disturbing, they look so much like old men with their mouth wide open @@

oh and who knew bug zapping was so destressing; there's something that satisfies my inner sadist when i see the continuous flashes of light and hear the loud twanging sound every time a whole bunch of mosquitoes get fried. there was seriously this burnt smell in the air afterwards. bzwanggggggg; revenge mwahaha n.n

oh and i've happily volunteered to be my auntie's new (and only) guinea pig for her to practice her new found skills; ahhh~~ (she's learning aromatherapy btw, i'm glad her computer course is over cause that was a hard one to help her with @@)

okay i'm off to zen; today i am omnomnomagon no more, i am ommmmmmmmmm~~~~

and i think i shouldn't have eaten half a tub of b&j just now, i really am too... squishy. but it was too good not to, and i got to eat from the tub n.n

i feel like reading fanfic, it's been too long since i last swooned and raved over my favourite potions master :O

make me a rainbow

the week that just went pass was absolutely crazy; test after test after test and so much last minute panicking and staying up to study after procrastinating too much together with only 3 measly hours of sleep a day for 4 nights. no wonder i got cranky. urgh, and there's still 4 more papers dammit.

but yesterday was good, after the chemistry paper ying, jen and i went to jen's house to make crepes and they were super awesome. made one each with ice cream then shared one super amazing mushroom crepe with scrambled eggs and tomatoes and lots of cheeeeeeeeese (L) it was total omnomnom bliss n.n

awesome, yeah? ;)

omg and i had some pretty amazing bubbletea today :O but their only branch is so far away, what to do :(

FMB

OMGIAFSFB

(omg i am freaking screwed for blocks)

lol im a little too off balanced to blog now but

OMG

OMG

OMG

F

F

F

F

F

@@

must start on econs

RARHHHH

*GORILLA ROARS*

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

KAI

!!!!!

(i dunno how to increase font size ><)

swimming in a fish bowl

give up, or keep trying?

---

and this is rather late but

THANK YOU DAWN AND QIANWEN

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME (L)

;D

---

and i can't stop staring at my henna;

i want more;

i think i'm one of those people who have an irrational obsession with body art

---

it's been some time since my thoughts were so dark

---

where are you?

ASDFGHJKL;

holybananacrepe, it's the last week of holidays. NO NO NO NO AHHH I AM IN COMPLETE DENIAL *plunges head in very deep hole*

on a side note, yummmm eachacup oreo crush w mini pearls n.n

once, twice or thrice

wao, today was eventful; and since i figured i'd have to email zinc photos of tuition hw, i finally connected my phone and there will actually be photos this post! :O (but i'm still too lazy to update my phone's ipod playlist ._.)

i overslept >5 phone alarms, 2 wakeup calls and 2 semi-conscious conversations with my auntie and rushed out of the house thinking i'd be late. didn't mail PROJECT-ODD parcels (oops) and ended up a little late but very early (compared to the rest, ahem) and wandered around NEX with yp and dom until people arrived and eventually we had lunch at mad jack and the timing was super good we sat carol down and then sang the happybdaysong with the cake nicely lit up and ready. omnomnom-ed and spammed coloured instax omg so pretty n.n

and lookie, a photo of a photo of a photo! hahas dawn's "ahh so awkward~!"

then hopped down to somerset and met 鸡蛋 and then spent some time being shutter happy and other stuff :D

dinner was super dupa early with the best friends ying zinc joey jen at tcc with ice cream as dessert from cold stone (oreo overload is amazinggg~~) and ying and zinc harmonized a bday song for me (:O) hahas thanks guys for the great night and oreo cake! (L) so glad to finally see zinc and joey, last saw them before they all flew off and came back with lovely souvenirs/presents teehee. it was nice even though jen called me a lousy blow-er :( it was a very defiant candle meh, and even with all the rainbow runs we've been doing during training i think 18 candles are still too much for me; it's a sign i'm not ready to be an adult :S

oh yes omg joey the pikachu is damn cute and makes super cute sounds (pi. pi. pi. ka. chu. pi-ka-chu! omgggggg *pokes repeatedly in awe*) ahhh it's so cute i need to record it so that i can make it my sms alert tone, the stupid iphone one is annoying cause 99.9% of the people on the mrt use it and when it beeps i have no idea if it's my phone or not -.-

and i must go test out the pacman mug zinc and ying got me, i can make the hot chocolate thingy they gave us for bike hike n.n (i guess it should work even though it's not coffee/tea since ying tried it out with hot water and it worked).

wheee okay i'm in a nice happy state now *zens* (oo hopefully joey can get that berkeley disc :O)

and oh, zinc found her tuition hw :/ now for me to conveniently forget about mine n.n

and omg my right wrist feels sore, how to trainnnnnn T.T

even if the world ends

today was a couch potato day; lazed about in front of the tv from about 2.30pm to 10pm with the exception of showering time and the long arduous journey up the stairs to my room. aching too much and impossibly tired from the consecutive friendlies. urgh just thinking of the RJ team A game makes me want to shrivel up and die, just spent the whole time getting burned T.T wasn't much better today for the NP game, omg my fumbles and screwups @@ i had a complete mental block today, couldnt handle at all under pressure/in a zone ahhh i'm disappointed with myself ]<

rarh, i think i shall continue bumming about on the floor since i can't get internet from my table and 老牛吃嫩草 was quite good for a singaporean(?) production and appleseed is just weirdddddd even though the closet romantic in me kept going awwww and *sniff sniff* at all the sweet parts. omg some scenes in 老牛吃嫩草 reminded me of times that were less stressful and much more carefree. i miss being j1 :(

i officially only have 2 weeks left of being 17 D:

---

oh oh oh and omg i can't stop staring at my instax in amazement @@ teehee, i guess a mini50s/pianoblack makes quite a good 18th birthday present to myself, rarh can't wait to start using it fulltime and then i can really get to plastering my wall with random shots and have them rain down on me on super windy nights. ooo and i've got big plans for my wall, hopefully the wall decals i ordered will arrive soon in a nice little tube and my wall wont look so empty and the random things i scrawl on it will stop freaking out my auntie/mum. wheeeee~ so much empty canvas to work with n.n man, now i really wish i had signed up for that graffiti workshop with jo :( blank empty walls... oh wells at least they're not yellow. and this is so random and my tail bone hurts from sitting on the floor. aches~

rxstpxct

"So yes. It had flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."

-The Wise Man's Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

today was: o.o + T.T + >< + :S + :) + :D + :/ + D< + :( + :| + :O + :) + T.T + ._. + x_x in more or less that order. let's just say it's been a day.

GUNK + FUNK

erps my attempt to make something edible failed completely today and now i feel like i've ingested too much egg and flour and arhhh i need to start studying omg like almost half the holiday is over and blah i just lied through my teeth when my mum asked if i was studying now AHHHH THIS IS BAD I'M SO GOING TO FAIL BT2 BUT HOWWWWWW. my brain has gone into permanent hibernation or maybe i just lost enough braincells to the point where studying is just beyond me already; though i seriously do feel more stupid these days, SIGH.

and i was talking to dawn and holysheep i'm so domesticated these days @@ the idea of pursuing vetmed is suddenly... not as important as it ever was. i mean if you ask me about it, the whole spark and sincerity is still there but sometimes you can really feel for something but that doesn't mean much else. and omg the point is i was telling dawn that i'm most likely going to just stay in singapore and do a very ordinary degree or whatever happens to be there or something like that. i have no ambition :/

oh wells, I AM OFF TO SHOWER AND PACK PARCELS AND MAYBE STUDY A TEENY WEENY BIT IF I DONT FALL ASLEEP.

KAI MUST SLACK NO MORE RARH.

ok this is a super random post i haven't done one like this in awhile teehee.

and gosh holidays have really just been spent training and travelling around singapore; i want to travel out of it!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna get lost somewhere :( and i need to put batteries in my super old school alarm clock so it can glare at me while i piteously try to study T.T

why is this post so random? i must have eaten too much icing sugar *facepalm*

3/6 = infinity

CHANCE.

"“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever."

- Dave Matthews Band

CHANGE.

---

wow, 1/4 of the holidays are over. i'm scared at how time flies and no matter how desperately i try to grab on to every precious second it just slips right through.

maybe ambitions are a waste of time; if you only set your sights on the long term goal you forget to treasure each and every day that will never happen again. it's just another case of whether the ends justify the means. i can't imagine studying for another 6 years after JC. do i want it enough? what do i want more? the idea of going from student to full independent adult is absolutely frightening, but i'm sick of studying already. gosh, and i'm not even 18 yet.

---

"Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all that I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?'"

He turned his head to his shoulder as if the bird were there now.

"Is today the day I die?" he said.

-Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

---

you know, sometimes we ask each other what we'd do if the world ends in 2012. and the answers are never what we're doing now. why do we continue doing these things then?

because we live in a society, don't we? this is civilization, we rely on others for things we need and if we want something from them we'll have to give something in return. we can't break out and do whatever we really want to because simply put, there's no free meal in the world. in the end, it's still all about the price tags.

i'm not making much sense :/

i guess what i'm saying is that i hate that we can't live from day to day, we have to plan for the future but yet you never really know if you'll have a future to plan for. i always get scolded for being such a 先甜后苦 kind of person because if i can do what i want now then i'll do it. why suffer today and every day after that with the promise that one day you'll stop torturing yourself? i want to live my life, but it takes more than just courage to throw yourself headfirst into the unknown.

連隔壁鄰居都猜到我現在的感受

omg bike hike was crazy; fun, tiring and my hands still feel raw from gripping the handlebars for so long. and omg thigh burns; acheeees and i'm rather incoherent. i should be asleep still. but duty calls; back to doing inventory!

till the world ends

somehow i wonder if i'm wasting my JC life. i see so many people trying new things, taking advantage of opportunities, stepping up, working hard, etc etc and i wonder, at the end of my 2 years what would i have accomplished? and not in terms of a portfolio, since portfolios are meant to prove your worth to others, but how can i justify to myself that i haven't wasted 728 precious days of my life :/ what memories and experiences would i have collected? what would i have changed? how would i have changed? for better or worse? so many questions, and i'm too afraid to look deeply enough to find the answers because i know i won't like them.

it's not the fact that time is being wasted that bugs me, because i'll always be doing that, but rather the fact that i'm only going to be in HC for two years and most of it is over. i can never do it again. i can never be J1 again. i can never be j2 again. will i remember JC as a repetitive cycle of mondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridays with nothing more significant than lectures, tutorials and trainings interjected with random school events? right now thats more or less what it is; i trudge through weekdays, look forward to weekends, drift through weekends in a funk, bemoan the start of the week, rinse and repeat. rather pathetic, i'd say.

but i don't want JC to just be period of my life, i want it to be memorable. i want it to be something i'll look back on and miss so terribly that my eyes will tear up and yet i'd still be smiling because it was so beautiful and we were all so young and alive.

30 years

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

violent moment

ahhh this calls for drastic actions;

ok gotta get everything back on track.

discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline discipline

autonomy

tired tired tired; and desperately in need of distraction. have not done any of my tutorials/assorted homework nor studied for econs. how did my weekend go by so fast?

anyway, because i was thinking about jersey numbers and am such a HP junkie, i went to google arithmancy and this really interesting thing turned up. so just to kill time, i quote...

"The most basic form of arithmancy is used with the names of people you want more information about. First, you must convert the name into a number. Each letter of the alphabet corresponds to a number, as shown in this chart:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

A B C D E F G H I

J K L M N O P Q R

S T U V W X Y Z

Next, you "reduce" your number by adding your numbers together until all you are left with is one digit.

When working with someone's name, you can calculate three different numbers for them. The first, called the "Character Number", can be used to find out the general personality type of the person, and is derived by using all the letters of the name, as we did above.

The second number you can calculate for someone is their "Heart Number". This represents the individual's inner life and can indicate desires and fears hidden from others. You calculate it as we did above, but using only the vowels contained in their name.

The final number you can calculate for someone is their "Social Number" and is calculated using only the consonants of the name. The Social Number represents the outer personality, the face an individual shows to the outside world."

to make things easier, here's the link for the calculator to get your three numbers and then the chart that explains what those numbers supposedly mean.

my results were

Character: 2

Heart: 3

Social: 8

which is... scary. after all, wouldn't you be scared if you could "be the pinnacle of success or the depths of failure". i know which way i'm heading towards right now, sighhhhhh~

anyway, more at: http://www.beyondhogwarts.com/harry-potter/articles/an-introduction-to-arithmancy.html

and i am now done killing time; hungry~

-----

"I think I’m afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."

- Charlie Brown

that rather applies to me, except the cause and effect link is a little different. imminent sadness usually induces a sudden and unexpected high in me before i go crashing down.

forget your fear of falling

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

- Jim Morrison

i want to write more, but i guess now isn't the time;

hang in there.

now now now

i have this strange desire to fall into a giant puddle and lie there staring at the sky as big fat raindrops splatter all over me; maybe it'll rain during training tmr :D