shooting stars through your heart

most of the photos are by my sis, it was quite funny to come home and find her busying about my room in semi-darkness. and i think i've been playing too much henhouse, my eyes are going a little @@. anyway this is me procrastinating again~~

on a history book page

"How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?"
-Don DeLillo

-----

it's been awhile since i blogged and it kinda bugs me to leave such big gaps in my entries; i'm just the kind of person who likes to be able to trace how i've spent my time. so yeps, cny was cny, lots of omnomnom-ing and visiting with the ying jo zinc chels was beyond awesome. the same old chomping away at all the snacks and then pingpong at zinc's again.

2010...



2011...

cool right? ;D and lol ying and i are a joke teehee. our expressions (L) oh that reminds me, i have random sequences to gif >D tee hee hee. and yay more photos for my wall :D and not the facebook one, because if you thought of that first you seriously need to stop thinking of that site; my sis stayed up all night replying to her birthday well wishes, tsk.

oh yes, my parents baked a cake for her :O nothing compared to the one zinc made for ying but hey, i'm impressed haha.

and oh yes, orientation campfire was... nostalgic.


i just look at the j1s and wonder, wow were we really that happy? jc was a whole new adventure, and quoting our batch song "this ain't just another journey, not just another story, it won't be just like the rest, cause hwachong's ours to remember". the memories (L) - gotta hold on to them and make many more.

"No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel someday."
- Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk

but i believe

thought about so many things today, but i guess this isn't the place so a very belated
HAPPY CNY EVERYONE!
---
live like you're dying,
because you are.

one foot front of the other

well hello again folks, it's been awhile. school, as usual, was a mad rush of tutorials, assignments, lectures and all that. i don't really know what i want to blog about because too much time has passed too quickly and i can't discern one day from the other. so yes, school is tiring. and seeing the j1's orientation just makes me envious and scared at the same time. because wow, we're really j2s now. it's our last year; gotta make it count.

rarh okay i got distracted by some stuff we were doing in gp today. being a free thinker just leaves too much grey area to cover and i can't decide what i am. do i believe in god? well i guess so. but a specific god? not really, i don't actually know enough about any anyway. so i guess i'm a deist?

ok so back to trying to recall how i just spent the last 10 ten days and... i don't remember. someone should just hit me on the head, multiple times too. actually no i take that back, i think too many people would want to try :O

oh oh oh yes i remember now :D and all the happy feelings have flooded back in and this is an awesome floaty feeling and i'm not making sense. right. so sat (22/1) was SAT day then tuition then paranormal activities 1 + saw 7 at home with good company. basically involved lots of ceiling-staring and other things; pretty amazing 24 hours yes... monday (24/1) home-based learning so nothing big about that. late night walk was (y) hahas.

and then school started again and then everything is just one blur of too much work and too little sleep. oh yes, first h3 pharm chem lecture and tutorial. zzz i'm not sure if i can handle it but we'll see. and then this weekend... went for training on sat then tuition then movie.

and ahhhh i can't get over what happened today. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. it was so... coincidental. and all because of a fortune cookie. ah well, what's happened has happened. i'm rather relieved that it's finally out.

cause everybody's heart don't beat the same

you mean it's only been two weeks?!
god it feels like months already;
so unbelievably and depressingly tired.
---
"Where did the past six minutes go?
When time is used up, does it go to some kind of place like a junkyard?
Or down a river like the waters beneath Niagara falls?
Does time evaporate and turn into rain and start all over again?"
- All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland

we all live in a yellow submarine

yes i'm feeling nostalgic;
i'm glad we had so much fun when we still could.
---
it was a good day today, i guess growing up just brings in new kinds of fun ;D

the walls they crash through

we accept what we think we deserve;;

"Then, I turned around and walked to my room and closed my door and put my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be."
- The perks of being a wallflower

expecto patronum

should i sleep early today? there's so much to do and study, but it's not going to make much of a difference anyway. i'm too distracted, wasting time, etc. and see, this is why my blog posts are always so shallow, i just type without much thinking and all these random surface thoughts just find their way into the little box on the screen.

anyway, since being a student for the most part of my life has left me defining my calender years as school years, the year doesn't feel like it's started yet so therefore by that same illogical reasoning my new year resolutions are still on time.

1. stay close to the people that matter
2. don't let the bitches and bastards get me down
3. read many many many beautiful books
4. eat more good food and drink lots of starbucks dark choc mocha
5. lose the weight i gained in 2010
6. retire from my position as professional sloth and become an active potato (so that i have some chance of accomplishing number 4)
7. attain muggerhood
8. do well for a levels

:/ i wonder if they're in order of importance; honestly, i'm not sure.

rainbows for your eyes to see

so i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
and maybe we'll never know most of them.
but even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose wherever we go from there. we can still do things.
and we can try to feel okay about them.
- the perks of being a wallflower
---
i'm feeling very... empty.

there's a hole in the ceiling downstairs

so damn happy;;

there's a song that you can find in every moment of your life

how weird. i opened and closed the blogger tab so many times. i just stared at the little blank box and wondered what i should write because there are so many small little things i feel like mentioning.

like how i finally bought a very simple bag after a very long and complicated consideration and even though the more practical side of me is aghast at my choice, the rest of me is quite satisfied with it. it's like... a rectangle with straps. like honestly, i don't think bags can get any simpler and i just like how deconstructed it is. but boy am i going to suffer for it when i have to carry more things/dig around to find stuff. oh wells, it would have been too easy to just buy a different coloured clone of my old 'yellow' bag.

oh and finally saw the best friend again after so long. kinda cool actually, since i saw jen on tues, zinc on wed, and ying today :D anyway we wandered around for a long time doing some general window shopping plus bag scouting on my part. lunch at 'swensons' where we underestimated the amount of food we ordered but mmmm it was good. then more dittering at the 'zinc' shop and as ying said, we were doing the exact same thing this time last year. hahas, thanks for tolerating all my indecisiveness and nonsensical ks-ism.

okay so i have more rubbish to add but ive been tasked to go fool around in photoshop again so that's all. and that reminds me, i want to change my blogskin again! need something simpler. this year is a time for simplifying everything, life's too complicated as it is. oh and i changed my wallet to a much plainer one, no more conical studs but it's lime green with hot pink insides. awesome yeah. oh and ahhh i want to make a tumbler cover for myself. gosh i have nothing inside the slot now and i feel weird when i drink from it cause ppl can see the water moving down and it just feels very awkward. i don't know why but it makes me feel very embarrassed hahahaha. oh wells, since bio review test is on friday (hooray!) i have time to go come up with a black and white one. gah, my mum refuses to buy ink because she says it's expensive :(

oh and random but i like the new starbucks logo!

ok off to be a little geeky again, tata :D

the fine line between genders

wheeee we finished our ultimate banner for open house today, it's amazing how fast it was done. then again, it was mostly spamming of black paint and it looks so pretty even though the people all have weird oversized calves. and teehee, in the end we actually did have a girl sky the guy, how awesome :D

oh and eeps, the holidays are ending super duper soon and dammit that really sucks. i don't think i can go back to whole repetitive process of school and my time table is all foreign. plus a possible h3 too and project odd which we must reallllyyyyyy start soon. that one will take up a lot of time sigh. the school year hasn't even started and i already have so much work backlogged. damnnnnn.

okay anyway this is a random post because i'm avoiding having to decide between staying up to do work and sleeping then waking up early instead. but this is strangely my more productive period of time in the day and i'm just procrastinating again D:

oh and okay, random trivia: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 :O and looky, there's a "kai" in it! lol ok sorry i'm procrastinating and i do strange things like this. and the "kai" just means "and" in greek according to wikipedia awwww.

ahh peas in a pod hahahahahahahahahahaha. ok that was even more random. but oh damn the peas may start mutating nooooooo~ and lol probably only yingsiu would understand what i'm going on about.

and holyshit my sis had "the kite runner" all along and i could have just read that for the book review instead of struggling through "brave new world" and since i'm only at page 70 after a week, it hasn't been a particularly successful struggle. time to give up on a losing battle and chiong kite runner!

and this is a really really really random post. tada~! lol ok i'm weirdly high, especially since i got scolded/nagged at for coming home late but i think my mum just doesn't have the kind of anger stamina to be pissed at me so after two short rants on the phone she just ran out of steam. i guess it's just the way it is with things like this. like... she wants me home not too late, i end up late, she scolds me, i actually don't try to start an argument (unlike a certain other person), she thinks i'm suitably chastised, we move on. works out fine for us both since i don't start avoiding her calls and she doesn't start demanding i get home before the sun sets everyday.

and ok after all this random rambling i have decided... to do a little work T.T

with your words like knives; and swords and weapons that you use against me

today was generally a good day, though sometimes i think i'll be a lot happier if i just slept earlier. and it's not the sleep that will help, just the not staying awake.

anyway general recap, dinner with thirteeners at beautyworld on 30th and lunch with them again at plaza sing on the 1st were good. it's nice to be with people who already know you, the comfort of familiar ground i guess.

the last day of the year was kinda nice, though it ended on a semi-sour mood since we started arguing on the way home. didn't have a countdown but neighbours did and... oh forget it i can't bring myself to write about it here because it feels too... exposed and i'm the kind who'd rather add salt to my wounds in private. so moving on...

today was nice, had bbq for dinner and finally got to have some alone time to laze around and i felt a lot better until... awhile ago. i miss my metaphorical rock a lot. i think i just don't like having responsibilities. school hasn't even started and it already feels as if there's always something someone needs me to do that i haven't and god i don't even want to think about my work.

ok no more random rambling. tata.

"It’s easy to be miserable. Being happy is tougher — and cooler."
-Thom Yorke

these are our glory days

happy new year everyone!
and i don't know about you, but i'm going to try my best to make this new year a happy one; time won't stop just cause you're sad so don't waste your days of being young and reckless, they don't last forever.

blind; but not for the reasons you'd think

i'm learning to be grateful for even the smallest things.

holyasdfshit

this is unfair.
why were my pups never that fluffy D:
i feel like i missed out on some amazing part of their growing up!

it ish me, the omnomnomagon!

today seems to be a day for bad grammar and spelling :/

omnomnomagon says:
lol
zzz i just misspelt a lot of word
and is there only 1 s in mispelt?
ying hui says:
ummmm
i think there are two
omnomnomagon says:
eww
i just pealed
this giant flake of dead skin
off my elbow
ying hui says:
PEELED
omnomnomagon says:
oh
damn

and for being gross too i guess. and damn, my elbow really is molting. ewwwwwww.

and i have recently discovered a love for starbucks' dark mocha! its awesomeeeeee~ and i used up 3 packets of jam for my waffles today; ah waffffleeeeesssss and jammmmmmm *inserts smug satisfied face*

and today i was reminded of why i do not like bugis street. bleargh.

and i wonder, if i change my msn nick would i stop feeling hungry all the time...
nah :D gah i give up i will go find something to devour and wow it's been awhile since i did random frivolous posts like this. teehee, i must be in a good mood. either that or all the sugar i ate today is sending me into a random high; its kinda nice -- all the more reason to go snack ;D

oh and i forgot, hello my fellow waffle-loving friend! it's been awhile since anyone except boring old me used this space, so come post more please!

hello hello!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU KAI ^^

you're very awesome.

love, the one who loves waffles as much as you do.

fishtail braids

okay so this post is as random as the title and photo above, but i just felt like sharing some quotes that i can really relate to or i feel explain some amazingly complex thought in an amazingly understandable way.

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here."
-Richard Dawkins

"As I grow older, much older, I will experience many things, and I will hit rock bottom again and again. Again and again I will suffer; again and again I will get back on my feet. I will not be defeated. I won’t let my spirit be destroyed."
-Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first."
-Jim Morrison

"One had to expect very little-almost nothing-from life, Aaron knew, one had to be grateful, not always trying to seize the days like some maniac of living, but to give oneself up, be seized by the days, the months and years, be taken up in the froth of sun and moon, some pale and smoothie-ed river-cloud of life, a long, drawn-out, gray sort of enlightenment, so that when it was time to die, one did not scream swear words and knock things down, did not make a scene, but went easily with understanding and tact, and quietly in a lightly pummeled way, having been consoled—having allowed to be consoled—by the soft, generous, worthlessness of it all, having allowed to be massaged by the daily beating of life, instead of just beaten."
-Bed by Tao Lin

dreamcatchers

hello and merry christmas folks. i guess i have a lot to update but i'm too lazy again and it's 2am. anyway, so today, meaning the 24th since i have yet to sleep and i wonder why, basically went out with some of the frisbee peeps and played pool and bowling and then went for the usual christmas party at uncle's house.

so the whole day alone has left me with a lot of things to muse on, plus some things that popped up randomly while i was in the shower, but again, too much to write about now. maybe i'll sit down and reflect on them some other time... lol yes, reflect, and voluntarily too.

so yeah... things that i need to learn to get over and accept and not be ashamed of; remembering that there will always be people who look down on you and will never accept you for who you are but yet its not worth it to change for them because you are who you are and always stay true to yourself because few others will stay true to you; there's nothing wrong with being invisible; what would it be like if i met myself and we would probably never bother to become friends but if we ever did it'd be amazing; people always say we should choose the right friends but that's stupid cause in the end we're just surrounding ourselves with people we already like and we'll never learn to accept others for their differences; how do we and should we hold on to friends when life pushes us in different directions; i'm a terrible friend; i rarely have any expectations in life and does that make me too easily contented or is it okay to just be happy with a simple mundane life that some other people might very well consider pathetic... and more but i need to sleep my brain is being overworked. i can practically imagine all the random muses jumping from synapse to synapse and something's going to combust soon.

and i bought a dreamcatcher for myself today :D it's so beautiful. its the third one that's hanging in my room but i can't get over them. there's just something about that combination of beads, feathers and weaving that calls out to me and just seems to make me feel better and more light-hearted. and they put lots of wonderful images in my head but nvm, i'm not going to write about that because somehow it just feels too personal and it makes me uncomfortable. and wow, a topic that makes me uncomfortable lol. and even though i've said it already, my new big-ass dreamcatcher is amazing, though i almost bought some mega-ass one but i shall continue lusting over the giga-ass one because even if i do get it one day i'll have no where left to put such an amazing work of art.

tis the season to be happy

stupid bloody cycle

or just being plain retarded :/
---
sometimes i feel as if i'm just bursting with things to say,
but then i'm just too tired to say it.
need to work on that sleeping thing.
---
this sucks. big time.
i was feeling all fine and dandy before this random onslaught of sadness hit me;
i don't even remember why i felt sad, except that earlier today i shelved it away with a,
"deal with it later when you're alone"
and now i'm just being irrationally sad,
and affecting other people with my misery.
i really need some time with the pillow.

the passed week :D

and as we lie beneath the stars; we realize how small we are

wow, has it really been so long since i last posted? time sure flies :/

i realised that at the end of this year, i won't have much to show for the days and nights that are now long gone. no fantastic grades, no amazing achievements, etc etc. but strangely enough, i'm happy. if i had to go through this whole year of ups and downs again, i would because i like where i am now. as a student, i have nothing to my name. but as just another girl growing up, another human being, i never want to lose what i have now. it's not something that can be shown, written down or measured but it's the kind of thing that makes me smile for no reason at all. it keeps me laughing; it makes me believe again.

in the end, i'm grateful for all the people who have been there for me; i only hope that i was there for you too.

and as they say, a life is meant to be lived; i'm going to relish every moment of it.

melodrama; take two

honestly, i'm not particularly sad or depressed but i'm bored :/ well i wasn't particularly bored since i was reading a really fascinating book, where this guy straps his victim to a table with a mirror above for them to see themselves and proceeds to cut off everything on the body leaving behind a completely bald head attached to just a block of torso with nothing else whatsoever. oh the eyelids, teeth and tongue are gone too. and he actually does it bit by bit, in no order whatsoever, so sometimes he removes the hands and feet before moving up to elbow and knee etc. fascinating right? and all this while playing hangman with the poor dude being dismembered. so in the end you have this... potato with a head, who happens to still be alive and can only make high keening noises with crazed eyes that see nothing but horror and pain.

perfect for brightening your day eh? to think i was reading this before training, no wonder i was a little nuts today. but anyway, the book ended. and now i'm bored. and i feel obliged to have another one of my wallow-in-self-pity posts, since my posts have been rather brief and cryptic so far. and because i need to keep a friend entertained ;)

so... i was thinking about something just now. and now i don't remember. oops.

nvm. i shall just consider some deep meaningful issue to make sure that my grey matter hasn't packed up and left to visit more happening places.

so not too long ago i was having the usual, who am i? identity crisis. well, obviously i'll never really know because the answer to that question is longer than the answer scheme for a 15mark bio free response question.

-cancels out long pointless rant that started to deviate into cashew nuts and oreos-

basically, i'd like to think that a person, this living breathing thing with arms and legs (unless they get sawed off of course) has enough depth of character that you can't define him/her in a few words. gosh, didn't english teachers always say flat characters make for a lousy story?

anyway, there are many facets of a person's personality. and i say facets and not facades. the fact that a person behaves differently around different people does not mean that one of those is just a fake or mask. it just means you're able to react to stimulus, and that is one of the characteristics of life fyi (all that bio has to be useful somehow). i mean even the ronald macdonald statue can do it. did you know, in phuket he does that palms flat together greeting the thai people all do; how cute :)

so yes, different situations bring out different sides of a person, like how a certain person can make me really vindictive and mean. but that said, i don't really think of myself as much of a bitch. not really anyway. it's a human thing to behave differently around different people. there's always the element of trust, in that how much of yourself you're willing to let others know. this doesn't mean you're pretending to be someone else (unless you actually are then shame on you you liar) it just means you're only letting a little bit of that amazing person inside to come out and play.

and damn this is getting long. i'm not sure where i'm going with all this but personally i just think people, myself included, should stop trying to stick a label on themselves, like hey i'm smart funny and totally awesome so come grovel at my feet. -cancels out a lot of unnecessary swearing- what i'm trying to say is everyone is constantly changing and that's good. it's fine to stop and think, who am i now? look in the mirror, would you like the person you see? if you don't, there's still time to change it. that reflection won't always be the same, and it won't be the addition of new frown lines or a darkening of your skin.

the thing is, in the end you're not always going to be the person you are now, so don't waste too much time fretting about your identity, or lack of it in my case, and just hang on and enjoy the ride. you'll find out more about yourself as you go on in life. thinking about it all the time won't make much of a difference anyway, because as the personality tests all say, your perceived self isn't always the same as your true self. you'll only find out the person you really are when you find yourself in a new experience and completely unsure of what you'll do next.

that's the beauty of life; and cliched as it is, carpe diem my friends.

---

okay i am back because i am still bored and avoiding having to get out of my chair. so i am a chair potato, sue me. anyway, because i spend too much of my time browsing random sites, it's time to spam some quotes.

"There are so many things that will never happen to me again, and I never noticed when those things stopped occurring. And it does not mean I wish I had my old life back, because I like my new life better; I was just shocked to discover how much of what used to be central to my existence doesn’t even matter to me anymore."
-Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman

"Remembering our past, carrying it with us always, may be the necessary requirement for maintaining, as they say, the wholeness of the self. To ensure that the self doesn’t shrink, to see that it holds on to its volume, memories have to be watered like potted flowers, and the watering calls for regular contact with the witnesses of the past, that is to say, with friends. They are our mirror; our memory; we ask nothing of them but that they polish the mirror from time to time so we can look at ourselves in it."
-Identity by Milan Kundera

"Look, it’s not that they hate each other. Or that apathy has replaced love. You can’t measure the mutual affection of two human beings by the number of words they exchange. It’s just that their heads are empty. It might even be out of tact that they’re refusing to talk, if they’ve got nothing to say."
-Identity by Milan Kundera

"When you are young, you always expect that the world is going to end. And then you get older and the world still chugs along and you are forced to re-evaluate your stance on the apocalypse as well as your own relationship to time and death. You realize that the world will indeed continue, with or without you, and the pictures you see in your head. So you try to understand the pictures instead."
-Life After God by Douglas Coupland

and this just might be my longest post ever. wow. and i realised i seem to have a problem deciphering the fine line between hunger and boredom :/

yoohoooooo~

hello world i am back to join in all the mindless computer-screen staring ;D

;D

i will sleep!

another one of those self-destructive nights

wow wow wow

amazing day yesterday. i'm going to be selfish and not share :D
and omg lol i can't believe i took the mrt in the wrong direction.

wow. it's friday already?!!

:D

never easy; never easy

today was generally a good busy day, spent doing things and not thinking about things. its nice to be in the company of friends and more.

"Weren’t we all crazy in our sleep? What was sleep, after all, but the process by which we dumped our insanity into a dark subconscious pit and came out on the other side ready to eat cereal instead of the neighbor’s children?"
- Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

today was a day for dust and disaster

"If any film doesn’t need a gimmick, it’s these ones, and that’s for me what 3D is. For me, 3D adds nothing to the story. “Avatar”, sure, it looked amazing, but not more amazing than “Inception”, and I thought about “Inception” for so much longer because it was a better film, because it was a more interesting film. And I don’t think that technology is a substitute for story, which I think is how 3D can sometimes be used."

- Daniel Radcliffe

i wish i could say something smart but honestly, ive never watched a 3D movie nor inception. which really sucks. like really D:

and gosh, i threw out so much thrash today and my room still looks a mess. what am i supposed to do with all the brand new TYS that ny made us buy?! and i found my kindergarten stuff, gosh i was so cute hahahaha. and my maid very tactlessly wondered, "what happened to your eyes, they were so big last time!".

meh. and something has been gnawing on my crayons ]:

anyway this post is kinda random, i just didn't want to have that depressing post right on top :/

Di gantseh velt iz ful mit shaidim; treib zai chotsh fun zich arois.

hell, my head is a huge mess of disjointed thoughts right now. its making me very upset yet not upset. i don't know. i'm lost trying to figure my way through this. where do i start?
---
how am i ever going to make the big choices for myself? i've never had to.
they opted for gep.
they chose my gep primary school.
they chose my secondary school and consequently, jc.
so here i am now.
i didn't want any of that.
should i?
it's hard to have a opinion when, your whole life, no one ever gave a damn about it.
god, what do i want?
---
somehow i'm not upset that i essentially lack a personality.

i just feel sort of empty inside. i don't know, it's been a long time since i felt anything strongly.
happiness is good, it makes me feel human. insecurity, loneliness, shame, guilt, angst, fear; god it's amazing to feel something. fear is good; avoiding it, fearing it, drowning in it, embracing it, courting it.

realise anger isn't in the list? i can't remember what real anger feels like. not the kind that makes you swear and curse, but the kind that makes you hate the person who angered you so badly that you lose the ability to think logically and surrender yourself to destructive behaviour on everything and everyone around you. good riddance i say, i've had enough of that for one lifetime.

but whatever happened to it? i don't know, though i guess sometimes, when you have such low expectations of the world and the people in it, it becomes so easy to rationalize away every indignity and cruel act as another failing of a species you never had much faith in from the start. how do you get angry at something you expected? (god, not only do i have to deal with nonsensical musings, i have to work out overlong run-on sentences too.)

do you see why i'm confused yet? actually, i'm probably just dysfunctional. and i probably just don't like anger much; i guess if it were possible to delete an emotion from the human emotional range i probably just did the equivalent somewhere along the way.

damn am i lost. and this song is playing too quickly. how do people speak so fast?!
---
oh another chunk of the mess surfaced. but wth, i'm too lazy to sort it out. it can go stuff itself up its metaphorical ass for all i care.

"That’s the thing I want to make clear about depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorror, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal—unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead."

Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
---
oh and please, don't freak out if you actually happen to read this. we all have our scars and ugly sides. i just tend to like documenting mine so i can scoff at my melodrama later. take it with a pinch of salt and a good box of popcorn; join me in enjoying the show. it's nice to watch myself crash sometimes. my com doesn't need a reason to do so, so why should i? anyway yes, what? sorry i lost myself. i'm not usually this disgustingly mopey and absent-minded.

anyway i should just sleep soon. i can't wait for my normal cheery mentality to come back. c'mon, knock these suckers out of my head.

The whole world is full of demons; you just exorcise them out of yourself.

cause when it gets dark

hahaha qianwen just reminded me i had to share this with all of you!
it's so beautiful;
MJ ♥

when i'm not myself

deep in our hearts we all know what's the right thing to do,
but we still look to others for advice.

---

gosh i'm in one of my moods again and i sure am brooding up a storm. but that's good i guess, cause it'll blow over soon and tomorrow i can be silly again.

bum and bummer

i love how the thisisit poster and guitarhero drumset still look normal, teehee.
gosh, i'm bored already.

what will that be?

i've been told that my recent posts gave a certain impression;
i'm scared it's true.

let's be adventurous

oh man, there's too much good food in this world. screw the flu/sore throat/cough/headache (technically they all just fall under the category of flu i think). anyway, yes, food. oh god, the idea of it is tonguegasmic.

and pardon me if i sound slightly hysterical, i've been looking at food porn for the last couple of hours.

heaven smells like waffles and books

my not-so-closet romantic would like to share:
"The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss." - Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

now back to finding out what the guy's gonna do with a whole bunch of dead bodies and radioactive material.

oh and yes, apollo outing was fun, though there was waaayyyy too much shirt-stripping. played frisbee and watched very funny games. and saw her get washed away in a giant gush of water. heh heh, cues nasty grin. i'm sorry, but she happens to be the only person i've ever met to bring out this nasty side in me.

right. book. fucking throat $@#%#!*#$&!#

the day after

today was great but i don't really feel like blogging about it. but thank you for the great day, for letting me do the silly embarrassing things that make life real.

and i guess jc1 officially ended yesterday for me. what a year; i'm not going to describe it because there aren't enough words to capture all 287 days. well, i obviously have not achieved any of my new year resolutions, and damn i can't believe i was so hopeful about 2010. not that i'm disappointed, but just surprised at how different it turned out from my expectations.

i am now blacker, heavier, lazier, and bored. unfortunately i've yet to grow taller, but some things just never change. and i'm not actually bored per se, just lacking something/someone(?) that i will wake up for everyday.

still, there's a lot more to be grateful for. you 4 especially; you know who you are :) and the class, even though sometimes its almost as if you all study too much and eat too little. and the frisbee team, from the hilarious seniors to the awesome batchmates.

sure, there were some depressing times this year, but i can't imagine it any other way.

in the end, there's no point regretting or wanting to change things. i'm just glad whatever happened happened. the good has to come with the bad, and i'd take the bad if it lets me have the good too. that sounds so cliched, especially if you consider all those quotes about love and not being sad it ended but being glad that it happened etc etc. oh, there goes that closet romantic in me again. the keyboard makes it way too easy to ramble on.

so tata, i shall strive to make best use of this brief respite otherwise known as holidays.

ps. thank you jkrowling for sharing such an amazing world with us. i may not agree with what you did with some of the characters, but hey there's fanfic for that, and i don't think my life would have been complete without ever having read about hogwarts potion masters.

"We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity."
-Paulo Coelho

TOLULU!

oh god. op's tmr. T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W!! 5mins of shamelessly spouting memorised crap followed by more spontaneous crapping. and then... NO MORE PW OMGOMGOMGZOMG.

okay this is getting kinda hysterical :/

and i can't remember why i wanted to blog. oh yes. i've found something to do while all the good friends are off doing big things. i'm gonna... wait for it... make more blogskins hahaha. ok sorry anticlimatic. but i can't imagine how i managed to survive for so long without skinning. oh wait i know. i had frisbee. i can die happy now. as long as i can take my disk with me :D

anyway yes, i can't wait to go back to the days of css frustrations and photoshop headaches. i'm so excited the proverbial hands are rubbing in glee. and okay, no one probably gets what so great about it. i'm not sure too; just take it as my contribution to this giant black hole known as the internet.

but first, i gotta make sure i don't screw up my op. damn.

2 more days

i think i've gotten too lazy to write my own posts.
ah wells, one of my melancholic days will come eventually.
and i just realised this new skin makes it harder for certain people to stalk my friends :3

because i choose to be happy

And when I close my eyes tonight

finally, a new skin.
it's so... minimalist.
(read: lazy)
and it's so white.
i can't get over how white it is.
i can't believe i didn't do this earlier.

i need to stop spamming this place

it's usually the same few people online at this time.
i really wonder what they're staying up for :3

it's not the time to breakdown

bloody hell i can't stand this skin.
i need to make a new one soon;
i can't believe i've been using this one for 11 months!
the horror!

take time to realise

songs today really just don't compare.
---
go whip your hair in silence please.

today i am a unicorn

oh wow, that's fast!
it's Halloween folks ;D

when we break the dawn

gee i slept for about 13 hours; it feels amazing :D should totally do this more often.

and goshhh major experiment fail. it was a lost cause the moment i started. not meant to be, i love my food too much. and oh damn, i suspect i'm heavier than at least half the frisbee team, guys included D:

oh wells, from this point onwards i will think of nothing but pw!
...
right, another lost cause.

on a random side note, i reaslied that there's a certain pleasure in reading stories from the bad guy's point of view. i mean, enough with the hero saving the day. how about a story where evil prevails and we cheer as the last fighter of the light side is slashed apart with his entrails spilling out? or children playing at soldiers are butchered to make way for a new world order? i wonder if this indicates a certain lack of moral scruples on my part. i mean i know what the character is doing is immoral, but i find it hard to disagree with such actions. i guess that fine line between right and wrong has blurred away to nonexistence :/

my age is catching up on me

i think i should buy a really large bag just in case this ever happens :/

welcome to the family

it's that amazing time of the year again ;)
and no i'm not keeping all of them; the first pair on the right is up for sale, even though all i want to do is hang them from my ceiling and admire them every night before i go to bed.

gorgeous, aren't they?

i'm not sure who scares me more

i can't do this anymore

terrible. terrible. SO TERRIBLE!!

heh melodrama feels good :)

AHHH IT BURNS

holybananashit my eyelids are peeling. this is disgusting. (grah okay i've learnt my lesson i'm gonna start using sunblock or something; now annoying sunburn begone)

molting skin aside, FOS was fun, though i'm not sure if i regret playing ultimate frisbee. i mean i love the game but i'll always be able to play it but when will i ever have the chance to wade around swimming pools and launch flying circular projectiles or violently swing sticks about while body slamming every other person.

same thing with the sabbaticals. dance was fun, but hey i should have tried something unsual, like clay target shooting or some useful something for kicking/savingmyown-ass. that more or less sums up the choices i opted for after the dance sabbatical. oh well, opportunities are wasted everyday. moving onnnnn......

and oh man tom cruise is oldddddddddddddd. hahaha my mum thinks he's gotten fat. i guess that's something that happens with growing old :/

oh and heh next two weeks shall be eye-opening with my randomly-decided-upon sorta a-day-in-their-shoes (or more like a-week-at-their-breakfastlunchdinner-tables) experiments. annnnndddd that made no sense. actually no it made a lot of sense.

i wonder what's the melting point of brain matter :/ or does it sublime? zzz spontaneous combustion; how messy.

and my sis has more shopping time than me D: sighhhhhhh the perks of being young T.T nvm, i will go out and spend ridiculous amounts of money on ridiculously useless things once my skin stops hurting like something nasty.

now, i need to lower the temperature of this room to below 31degreescelsius.

beached whale

ahh i had the most epic dream this morning; harry potter vs draco malfoy in a pokemon battle! HAHAHA. i don't remember what happened exactly, but i know harry won and of the pokemon he used, two were totodile and pinsir.

so random :/ it's probably due to what we did on friday after promos, playing pokemon monopoly at jen's house. and gah don't laugh, we're just domesticated weirdos. oh and yes, extremely boring post ahead consisting mostly of me complaining at being exploited by scheming yings who hide their money and too-smart jens who likes monopolising the board.

me and zinc being especially grateful for landing in jail.

all thanks to jen and her scary empire, ying wasn't so lucky but i ended up being the biggest joke -.-


so much property but couldn't build any thing thanks to jen again T.T

imagine my joy when i stole jen's mr mime to complete my set with kakabra and venomoth only to end up getting sent to my doom where i went spontaneously bankrupt for the... 5th time? i paid like 5k+ to ying and jen for landing in their property and it was terribleeeee.

but it was fun. yes, random post and fond memories. oh and don't mind the weird colouring, i was testing out new apps on my phone :D

mymidnightmuses

oh wells, promos were massively fucked up.

but they're over and that's what matters; until they come back of course but i'll deal with that when it happens.

best thing is, i'm expecting an influx of amazing things to stick my feet into, other than my mouth and other people's business.

i predict a new look for this place, and a new place for all my vulgar and excessive ranting.

"i'm not afraid... to take exams..."

@$#^*!@%^@#$!&^*!

oh bloody hell.
I'M NOT READY FOR THIS NOOOOOO!!

OMG BLACK OR BROWN?!!!

the proliferation of heart-stopping shoes

i wonder what came over me yesterday/this morning. i was so.... serious -.-

anyway, WHEEE I FOUND AMAZING SHOES!! WHICH SHOULD I BUY :/

oh wait, correction. HOW MANY SHOULD I BUYYYYYY!! @.@

oh and strangely, the life section for today's newspapers was talking about the y generation and our attitude towards work and life and all. how coincidental.

the way i are

showering seems to be an activity that inspires interesting introspection. that's good i guess, since it's been a while since my last non-random post. actually, this is rather random, but bear with me.

and before someone misinterprets the word because of the context, wikipedia tells me "Introspection is the self-observation and reporting of conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's own thoughts, feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul."

so let's see. oh yes. the other day i asked my mum if she was happy being "retired". after a lot of bush abusing, i surmised that she's happier, upon which i proceeded to tell her that i shall look forward to my retirement then.

which unfortunately will be a long time for now.

then again, maybe not. i don't want a job that will take up all my time. i want a job that i can distinctly separate from my life, because i don't want to live for my work. that's the complete antithesis of the "get a job that you love, and it won't be a job anymore" advice but i lack that all-consuming singular passion for one thing that will keep me happy for a long long time. i'd like to be able to do try different things, including stupid ones but hey, what's a life without bittersweet regrets.

i wonder why i'm thinking about such distant possibilities. i mean, i'm 17; but since, the first 17 years of my life have passed rather quickly and mundanely, i suspect the next 17 might too. oh dear. and the idea of dying in bed with children x n + grandchildren x n^2 around is just downright frightening me. honestly, i think i will try to avoid that if possible. (i guess i'm not as family-oriented, but hey we're all different people so don't judge me for my insanities)

so... i seem to have lost track of what i wanted to say after my internet folded up into a little paper plane and kamikaze-d into the mess that is my desk. and i should sleep soon. so let's just do a quick summary of everything.

on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the happiest, i will rate today as an 8. i got to see friends, ate some good food, watched some nice shows (hey charlie's angels is classic), drank my oreo crush with minipearls, read fanfic, lied on the floor with my dogs staring at the ceiling, etc. i guess that makes it a good and satisfying day. and no, mugging didn't play a significant part of it. i should feel guilty/worried/stressed out, but my conscience is somewhere out there orbiting a giant lump of space matter so "nitwik! blubber! oddment! tweak!", whatever that means.

and i need to stop depriving my body of sleep. then again, this probably isn't as bad as it gets and here i am wanting to continue that line of thought that reminds of a conversation with jen. when does it become self-harm? and we weren't talking about sleeping habits but that's another thing for another day, though i am starting to get a little worried about that issue and i shall chew on it for awhile before i put my foot in my mouth again, as usual. so good night, whoever comes to my little piece of the net and wow, you actually read all that?

now you're one year older

happy birthday mummy! (L)

when i grow up...

i want to be a pokemon master!

looking forward to 23 days from now

but not the last 5 days T.T

aal izz well!

watched the most amazing bollywood movie today (L)

that ican'tbelieveiwastedmytimeagain feeling is back

the second law of thermodynamics (and closet organisation)

states that the total entropy of the universe always tends to increase. hence, processes that tend towards a state of greater disorder can occur spontaneously even though they may be endothermic kai tries to stop them.

x doesn't want to be found; respect that

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”

- Albert Einstein

read a story
write a book
take a picture
paint a portrait
eat a cookie
bake a cake
fly a kite
see the world

here's to the night;

oh dear, i can sense my holidays a-wasting!
what do i do?

i refuse to camp at home and mug!
i wanna go to starbucks @#$%$%!#
maybe ___ ___ will be there :D

all that i'm after is a life full of laughter

i want to have no regrets

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

hihi im here to post on your blog

thank you for listening <3

-zinc

gearing up

25degrees celsius
fluffy robe with giant pink polka dots
tumbler to stave off the sore throat
kidnapped box of butter cookies
fanfiction to keep me awake
michael jackson on repeat

who knew so much preparation went into writing WRs.

this is 501

tumorigenesis

shoe problems; begone!

oh dear.

we've come to the conclusion

tired.
like really tired.
but its a pleasant physical tired.
i just want to sleep.
wish i didn't have thing-that-must-not-be-named tomorrow.
should start on it soon, so much to memorise T.T

into the gloom

i've been spending most of my time reading fanfic and playing the set of tap fish/ranch/bird/zombiefarm games. obviously not a good idea, except for the fanfic, but i really just don't want to do anything that comes within range of plausible intellectual-ness.

i just want to... skip school. sigh.

life was so much easier when girls didn't have to go to school. not that i'm against the empowered female and the whole feminism thingamabob, but the annoying power and responsibility thing comes into play and damnit i just want to be irresponsible; irrational, anything really. i'm not meant to be a student/academic, i just want to bum around :(

math tmr is a gone case :/
econs tutorial... screw it.
looking forward to cca, hopefully not too much pt.
urgh my 3 suicides T.T

oh yeah first gen pokemon (L)

ah the memories~
watch the actual animated cartoon version here

yo mama so fat

my chair broke;
again.
-.-

crimes that were never defined

one of the best things about being young
is how our impulsiveness allows us to indulge in the now
and screw that far-away future;

that more than makes up for all the awkward stages.

tired of living like a blind man

ive had a lot of deep revelations and eye-opening insights recently, but since i'm not as dedicated as jo in maintaining a blog that's actually useful, i shan't bother to write about them.

on a shallow note, 3inch-high heels are starting to look really short.