Every stolen promise

I'm starting to go a little mad trying to understand statistics; too many models with too many properties sighpie. Anyway, I realised something random from having to make multiple calls last week.

What usually happened was
Me: "Hi, good morning."
... pause
Person: "Yes?"

But the rare calls that made me smile went like this
Me: "Hi, good morning."
Person: "Good morning."

Is it that hard to reciprocate a simple greeting? It doesn't hurt to be polite after all.

On other things, I'm getting a little worried about the pace the musical is moving along at. I feel as though we haven't done much for props and sets. Dance is also behind schedule but hopefully we'll be able to finish learning everything.

Also pretty amazed at how I survived having two midterms on one day with really little sleep before that. And considering how recess week went too haha. The marks I lost were either due to not being able to think through the fog in my brain (i.e. careless) or because of working too slowly (which goes back to the foggy problem). So once again, sleep is important :/ And yet I'm still up typing this now hahaha. But yeps, bed time! Tuition lesson tomorrow morning; gosh 3 hours of math... I will not strangle anyone.

But... wow. It's only been three weeks. Somehow it feels like it's been a lot longer. The presence of your absence :/

Good Space

I had an interesting talk with S & S on Monday night about understanding ourselves; learnt stuff I never knew and I ended that day feeling really positive. Then I spent a lot of time this week reading "the virgin suicides" and ended up losing my good vibes. In fact, the book has put me in a really... odd mood. I don't actually know how it affected me. I just read and the more I read the more I started feeling... grey?

Wasn't very productive this week either. Spent time doing a card (which turned out awesome) and decorations; spent more time just getting lost on the internet again. Need to start doing work, deadlines are pouring in. I also realised next semester is going to be a lot more taxing. Need to pull socks up.

Tongue tied

It's strange. When I'm alone and brooding, my thoughts make sense to me. When I try and talk about my thoughts to someone, I can't put it into words.

I realized I think in feelings and not words, ideas and not sentences. I can have a whole conversation with myself in my head and all it'll consist of is a bunch of unnamable feelings and senses and it'll end with a conviction. Which is confusing, because sometimes I think back and I would have the impression that I used a certain word with myself but in actual fact, I just felt something and I now have to search for a word to represent it.

On a side note, I'm typing this with the blogger app on my phone and I really like the font.

On another note, from today onwards things are going to get tough. Which means it's time to toughen up or I'll never get going haha. I'm ready for this. The coming 9 months will fly like the 4 months that have already flown by.

---

A leap of faith is more than just a jump into the unknown. I gotta keep moving forward; if I look back I am lost. 

---

The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it; seems like I've got a pretty big field to irrigate.

Quiet

I haven't been here in awhile but I guess I just wanted to remind myself of what I've learnt in the past few weeks. Most of these lessons actually came from events that have happened/have been happening since some time ago but only occurred to me during this particularly introspective period.

1. Priorities
My most recent philosophy assignment was somewhat tangentially related to the reason for suffering in this world. Actually, it was more related to arguments against evil and the existence of God than anything else, but my personal takeaway was a lot less abstract. I've been resenting the virus running amok on my hands and feet but if everything happens for a reason, then this was probably to show me that I need to start taking better care of this perfectly-able vessel that I walk around in. 4 hours of sleep a day isn't sufficient. Not cleaning my room for weeks isn't an option. If I really want to get better I have to make some changes to the way I live. There's no cure the doctor can prescribe me, I just have to help my body fight the virus out of me.

2. Mirrors
Just because the past two projects I was involved in went well, doesn't mean that I did my job well. It took me awhile but I finally realised that I was pretty incompetent in quite a few areas and the only reason everything still went well was because the rest of the team picked up the slack. Where I failed, they saw and covered for me. I'm extremely grateful for having had the chance to work with a team so much more capable than me. I just wish I had realised this earlier so that I could have thanked them more than I already did. Looking back, there's so much I can learn from every one of them. Every strength I see in them reflects a weakness in me. I really have a lot to learn and improve on.

3. Character
I think this is not the first time I'm having an minor identity crisis. I think I actually have them regularly haha. But the fact that they continue shows how I've yet to work this out. It's not that I don't know who I am; there's just nothing to who I am. I need to figure what's the downstroke in my T. I need to start filling up the blank page that I am.

4. Steer
I've been drifting along wherever life takes me. Opportunities come and go; and that's all that happens. I need to start making decisions and taking action towards what I want to become. My first attempt at this was unsuccessful, and rejection kind of stings, but I guess that just means I need to try harder and more often. I'm a lot more hesitant now that I have a better idea of my inadequacy but I'll just have to find the right place to start learning. It's time to stop mass deleting all those school emails and start clicking on the "sign up" buttons.

I'm going to stop here because it's still recess week after all and I really should get started on work. I'm quite sure there were more things swimming around in my thoughts but I've lost them in the swirling mess that is my mind. I'll put them up here the next time they surface to bother me again.

full circle

I'm not sure why I'm posting now, but today was a pretty great day! Met JJZY (hahaha this sounds like jeeezy) and it was awesome seeing Zinc and Jen again after so long. But Jen doesn't really count since I already met up for lunch with her and Ying in June haha. But yeps, it was a nice way to end the day.

Much better than the way it started haha. I stepped on a thumb tack in the morning as I was getting ready to go to ubi driving centre, got my shoes thoroughly drenched in the rain trying to get to CDC, and ended up failing my driving test with an epic 44 points hahahaha. Seriously, I'm not sure how that happened but I got marked down for the most depressing stuff. I just want to graduate already omg, my instructor and I actually thought I had a decent chance of passing when I had my last lesson. It's really hard to be patient and just keep improving when each lesson is so expensive and travelling to the driving school takes forever from NUS. I guess I'll just need to bear with it for 2 more months work on passing with even the strictest tester and not bank on a little luck.

Reflex

Today was exhausting. At minds cafe I was flinching every time the table was slammed during the game; my nerves were just extra on edge after everything that had happened. Watching The Great Gatsby with Dawn and Qian Wen was a really enjoyable break from having to carry out normal human interactions. The movie was quite thought-provoking as well; it's supposedly not very well made but I liked it. Time to read the book too! And another driving lesson tomorrow, I really can't wait to get this done and over with.

Tired. Bed. Goodnight.

even if it hurts I can't slow down

Another tangle of emotions I need to force out but it's too knotted up with everything else. Not going to try tonight.

A line I can relate to from the book I'm reading: If I look back, I am lost.

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

So much to do this holidays! Driving and FOC... It's tiring but being tired is good. It means I'm actually doing something haha! But still, being productive is so tiring. I hope I get to spend Friday curled up in bed with a book.

Note to self: what I've spent my new holiday freedom doing...
13/05: Driving + Logs meeting
14/05: Shelter + Driving
15/05: Logs sourcing + Iron Man 3 (awesomeeee!)
16/05: Sleep in day hahaha
17/05: Driving + Logs admin
18/05: Logs admin
19/05: Driving + cleared cupboard
20/05: Driving + Logs admin
21/05: Baked cookies + Minds Cafe + FOC meeting

Hmms... Listed out like that it feels as if I haven't been doing much hahaha. I think all the empty time has been spent on online shopping and reading heehee. Anyway, time to get started on some logs admin. So boringggg~ I'll do a proper post to reflect on my first academic year another time hahas.

And I need to find time to start on a knitting project for this summer!

clean slate

Time to stop dwelling on dreams;

and learn to live.

choked

There's this uncomfortable knot of feelings stuck in my chest. A massive tangle of feelings about the end of the first academic year, my poor academic performance, my friendships, the future, the past... everything. And it keeps growing; after every paper more webs of disappointment and bitter-sweet relief weaves itself in and the knot gets bigger. Excitement's there too. The days are counting down.  Fear. There's a lot of fear. I'm so very afraid of this summer and what it means. For everything. So many things. I don't want to study for my Monday paper. I want to sit in a corner, float away and let my subconscious debug itself.

strange things

I'm starting this at 3.40am. I'm not sure why, except too many musings have hit me and I don't want to forget them. I'm in the lounge at angsana now; was catching up on webcasts with two other engineering students who are trying to complete their tutorial.

I add the context for a reason. They love what they're doing; they believe in the work that engineers do. It's crazy. The sheer amount of school work they have is frightening but they want to be engineers and it becomes worth it. One of them once told me that he treats his work seriously because he knows that in the future, he, through his work, will be responsible for the lives of others. I respect him a lot for that. Sometimes I wish more people think like him.

Generally, it seems that many of the people I've met are doing what they want. I'm envious. One guy in my OG wants to be an economics professor in the future; he literally lives on econs now. It's amazing how passion makes such a huge difference. I wish I knew how that felt. It makes me wonder what I'd be like if I weren't studying biz. 

But I know that's not a path I should let my mind wander down any longer. I tried to get a second chance but sometimes there's no such thing as second chances. I did what I could and submitted my scholarship applications but no reply came back. Guess that's the way it is; there's a time for everything and you only get one chance in life. Strangely, a line from the Harry Potter books came to me today. It's by Dumbledore: "it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." That line is so apt I don't know why I've never recalled it before today. But it's true. I need to stop dwelling on an impossible dream and move on. I need to stop thinking of biz as a temporary thing but as a permanent path in my life. I'm a business student and that won't change anymore. I need to look at what I'm doing in NUS and sort my plans out; no more hovering in the limbo of "I might drop out and change to vet" because there's no more "might". I never will; there's no point hoping for that interview email because if it were coming, it would have came earlier. I should know since after all, I've gone through this once already. And I screwed up. It's time to face reality.

And it's a depressing reality. I feel miserable surrounded by people who are doing what they want while I slog away at a course that I don't enjoy. The sad thing is, I can't be who I want to be so I simply try to be the best that I can be. But it's hard; there are days where I feel like I should just not bother with my school work because I don't see any point in it. 

The only lucky thing is that there's no one else in biz from my angsana OG. My OG has become some of my closest NUS friends so that just means I'm not close to anyone from biz. I don't do my work with any biz friends, I don't go to biz lectures with any friends, I don't choose modules/tutorials with any biz friends. Somehow, I really like that. There's hardly any peer pressure at all. The very nature of biz makes it a very competitive course and I relish this freedom from having people I need to keep up with or compare my performance to. It's just OTOT for me. That's the only silver lining I have. I see so many opportunities to become closer friends with people but I don't take them. I worry about that; so much about biz hangs on networking. I need to stop trying to distance myself from a reality that I can't change.

But that's easier said than done. I wish I knew someone in a similar situation but again, so many people seem to be doing what they want. And I don't think I'm heading anywhere with this; I mostly wanted to get it off my mind. It's 4.14am now so I'll get back to my econs.

story of my life

Saw this gif sometime ago and can't stop laughing at it:

When I play frisbee/captain's ball...

When I see the D2 bus coming...

When I realise I'm late again...

When I forget I have class...

When I randomly space out...

And while I'm on a roll procrastinating:

Me after doing my laundry at CAPT...

Me at home every night...

chugging along

How does time pass so fast! Recess week is ending and I've barely done any revision :/ WY scolded me for procrastinating so much *sigh* I needed to hear it and it made me sad but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm procrastinating. As usual... Bad habits are so hard to break! And I really really have to be more efficient when doing work, I take triple the amount of time any other person would take to complete something!

That's probably why I don't feel like I've gotten anything done this academic year. Like done and not done, cause it's not about finishing work but actually doing something? Even when training for ICG I was lazy :( It rained every training session in the last 2 weeks so we just cancelled training since we're not allowed to throw frisbees in the college hall. I just wished I'd thought of an alternative and played simulation frisbee or something hahas. Like using a netball (which for some odd reason is allowed) to practice vert stack so that we wouldn't have to teach everyone that on the day itself minutes before our games. Gosh :/ What a wasted opportunity. But that aside, I might just continue the ultimate interest group Cynthia started. It sort of self-destructed after she left the college hahas.

Anyway, time to stop procrastinating and go down for dinner hahaha

Pause

Would you do something you don't believe in? But what if you think it would be the right thing to do?

The topic of religion has been on my mind this past few days at my uncle's wake. There are certain essential practices of a funeral and yet it's visible how that religious belief has faded through the generations. This isn't my religion -- not that I had any to start with -- but I still feel strange witnessing the tradition die out. We don't mind helping out with certain things, but the family doesn't wish to do it and so we step back and let them do it the way they prefer. Somehow that makes me feel guilty; why.

What's going to happen when our time comes? I call myself a "free-thinker" but that's a rose-tinted label for someone who simply has no faith. I wonder what faith my children, if I do end up having any, will believe in? For someone with no religion, how would they send me off? Perhaps it'll just mean that they can skip ahead to a quick trip to the crematorium. Such depressing thoughts. Then again, why should I mind? I don't actually believe in anything after all. But yet, I don't disbelieve. So where does that leave me?

Echoes

Wow it's been so long since my last post :O Anyway, lots of stuff have happened since the start of the year. Basically I... Spent more time at the shelter, read more books (I'm on the 'Song of Ice and Fire' series now! It's awesome!), tried to catch up on sleep, played a little more Ultimate, did more work for Open House, moved back into Angsana, started school, started lagging behind in schoolwork (how does time pass so fast!), ate a lot of junk food and started driving lessons! I'd like to post more but I just spent my whole weekend reading Book 2 in the series so time to get started on my readings for my lesson tomorrow! Ta ta~

twenty thirteen

Please be kind to me.

trying so hard

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope your's is turning out better than mine. A new year is coming soon but I'm not ready for it. It's so hard to let go and move on from all that happened this year. 2012 held some of the happiest times of my life and some of the worst. It hurts so much; if I didn't have so much to do and so many books to read I'd just lie in bed all day and disappear piece by piece.

---

But sometimes I long for the eternal sunshine.

Solace

"Belief isn't simply a thing for fair times and bright days, I think. What is belief - what is faith - if you don't continue in it after failure?"
- Mistborn trilogy

---

Stories are an amazing thing. Fantasy stories, especially. I've been reading every chance I got this past week ever since I went to the library on last Sunday (finally!). Quick recap before I end up in one of those pointless moods!

17 dec: Went for a HC training but mostly stood around collecting mud. It's embarrasing how I've forgotten how to play zone offence hahas. Open House meeting at Angsana in the evening, slept over. KFC dinner, yumz.

18 dec: Dragged myself up really really early in the morning to go to ACRES, was so envious of Sh and CC who were happily snoozing away hahas. Helped out for a full day shift although I had intended to leave after the morning shift, I guess it's not like I had anything else to do :/ Went back to Angsana to pick up my stuff before going home, sis bought Macs dinner for us (I see a really bad trend starting)

19 dec: Hardcore reading day hahas

20 dec: Volunteered for NUS CSC's christmas event at a hospice, it was eye-opening and fun. The horse betting game brought back memories :/ Went to town, had Carl's Junior for dinner (and the trend continues!), watched Life of Pi. Conquered... something that day. Let's just say I made myself do something I've always wanted to be capable of doing but was too afraid to; I hope that mean's I'm moving forward.

21 dec: Watched Rise of the Guardians with J at Tampines, we were both late and missed the first 30 minutes of the movie hahaha. It was a nice heart-warming movie, and Jack Frost made excellent eye candy hahas. Such big eyes and those shaggy bangs of his... *fangirls* hahaha. Went back home and Jo tried to take photos of the dogs; there's this really cute one of Amber, will upload my favourites after I've sorted through them. Oh and sis got a bunny! It's so cute *aww*

22 dec: Indoor Christmas Hat at HC, woke up with a terrible headache (perhaps I shouldn't have read so much the day before, oops) and almost didn't go for Hat. Going back to HC was harder than I'd thought it would be but Hat was still awesome fun; had Macs lunch with the rest of the 4th batch who went. Wanted to crash when I got home but I started reading and just couldn't stop.

23 dec: Mum literally had to drag me out of bed this morning. Visited grandma, haven't been going much since I spent quite a number of weekends at Angsana or just staying at home. Spent even more time reading hahas, I'm on the 3rd book in the Mistborn trilogy and it's amazing. I'm probably going to stay up late reading it again even though I have to be up early to go to Angsana.

About reading... it's good. It's a really effective distraction that occupies any spare time I have. It stops my mind from wandering into places better left forgotten and gives me something to do instead of lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep.

As a side thought, I've recently changed in more ways that I initially realised and I can't say it's all for the better. Trust plays a big part in the story in the Mistborn trilogy. Coincidentally, it also happens to be something I've been thinking about. Life's full of lessons and I guess I've gotten mine on trust.

nocturnal

Just realised my first post was when finals started hahas. I'm just glad they're over, not much to say about them. As for the holiday break... it's is turning out to be more packed than I expected; it's a pleasant surprise.

3 dec: Finished my last paper. Actually, "finished" is misleading, more like I flipped frantically between pages trying to find something I knew how to do but I ended up leaving lots and lots of blanks. Urgh, bad memory. I was just relieved finals were over. Played my first game of Citadels that night, pretty cool and I kinda like it.

4 dec: Spent most of the day packing up my room and parents came over at night to have dinner with me. We then moved most of my junk in my Angsana room home. I'm not sure how I managed to fit so much into that small room, but next sem I'm definitely going to bring less over.

5 dec: Went back to Angsana in the afternoon for my room inspection and Welogs meeting in the evening. Can't remember what we did at night but we were up late... doing something.

6 dec: Went swimming at QW's place with her and dawn! Super duper fun, especially since we did more chatting than swimming hahas. We went to town after that and wandered around; ate ice cream and bought new books to read hahas! Bought a large packet of Garretts too for our movie night; we watched "Three Idiots" hahahaha. Such a good movie ^^

7 dec: Catch up on sleep day? I can't remember what happened again :/ (OH I REMEMBER NOW! It was Black neighbourhood's BBQ dinner day. We surprised J, JY and CC for their birthday too, gave them their birthday wishes in a jar each with folded stars and Hersheys kisses inside. Got them a piñata too to destroy, JY's turn was epic. He broke the stick we used to hold the piñata hahaha. After that he used said broken stick to maim the poor gingerbread man piñata hahas)

8 dec: Angsana's Inter-neighbourhood games! Played Ultimate (we got 2nd, may have been a little too relaxed playing it hahas) and Captain's Ball (got 3rd I think), had lots of fun and got to watch other people play their sports too. Floorball was really scary and intense! Went to Clementi to have a Black neighbourhood dinner then a bunch of us went to the arcade (Super fun!). Had a semi-HTHT when we got back to Angsana.

9 dec: Packed up the rest of my stuff and checked out of Angsana! Parents came over to have dinner again to help me clear my dinner credits and move stuff home.

10 dec: Ran errands, went to get new spectacles made... sounds about it hahas

11 dec: ... can't recall anything at all hahas

12 dec: Carried the huge box of jo's and her friends' threadless stuff + elsa's stuff to Angsana, my arms were burning T^T Did some sourcing for Open House and then went off to NUS Law campus for a night scrim! I was kinda bummed about missing the OG outing but oh wells, playing ultimate is always fun. It was raining and the fields were super muddy, raced back to Angsana after the scrim for an online meeting at 11.30pm. Was a little late and google hangout was being weird; had BestFriesForever for a late dinner (yumz!) during the meeting hahas. Washing up my muddy jersey and cleats was a pain, ended up crawling into a cradle (two long sofas pushed together to form a little bed-like thing hahas) in the lounge around 3am. Slept at maybe 6am? Too occupied with  thoughts and random talking :/

13 dec: Overslepttttt (sorry Jo ><) and woke up around 1pm, passed Joey her stuff. Collapsed back into cradle in the lounge and bummed about. It was a lazy day (i.e. rainy), just didn't feel like getting up at all hahas. Eventually dragged myself out to have lunch and head down to the Angsana management office to find out some stuff for Open House, got the floor plan for the hall and flying seed and realised I don't quite know how to read it hahaha. Went home for dinner and finished rereading Wise Man's Fear after 5 days of obsessing with it hahas. Needless to say, it was awesome. Can't wait for the next book to come out :]

14 + 15 dec: Woke up sometime in the afternoon, did more sourcing for Open House before heading off to NUS for Disc to Dawn. Started first game around 8+ / 9pm, played all the way till the finals at 5am. It's not quite possible to explain how I managed to stay awake all the way but it was awesome. Played handler for all the games; I think I'm no longer nervous about it (either that or I was just too sleepy and tired hahas). Dex, CK and Sam made some freaking amazing catches, Siu did a crazy layout and got a full applause from everyone hahaha. Finished 2nd and it stings a little to have lost on the universal but oh wells, I think I learnt a lot that day strangely. Siu and I trudged back to Angsana to shower and clean up; we spent more than an hour just scrubbing mud off ourselves hahas. Took a long bus ride home and slept through most of it, when I got home at 10+am my auntie freaked out at the amount of mud on my jersey and shorts hahahaha. Sleptttttt.

15 dec continued: Woke up around 2+pm and realised I was going to be late. Rushed to town, WY found out Rise of the Guardians was sold out (we both missed the OG outing when they watched it) so we watched Hotel Transylvania instead. It was quite a hilarious movie, the kind you watch to brighten up your day or wake yourself up when you've only had 3 hours of sleep in the past 24 hours hahas. We met B at dhoby where we wandered around Cathay, wrote on one of those white floating balls for New Year's Eve Countdown. That was a funny moment hahaha, someone had written "get over the b..." and I added "me too" and B added "all the best" hahahaha. Went over to Timbre Substation to find out they had an event going on so rerouted to Switch instead. Ordered the usual duck pizza and the salmon pizza too hahas, yumz good food. WY and B got their drinks and after my tummy was nicely full after I let them order one for me since Timbre's rule was everyone has to order at least one drink and I don't drink enough to have a preference. CC came along soon enough and S arrived later on. Got more food food, (fries, buffalo wings and a duck and green curry halfandhalf pizza. Talked for really long before the live band started and all the Chinese songs came out. B and I were a little lost while the other 3 happily sang along. Eventually left and ended up walking to the helix bridge, didn't cross it but went back to City Hall via marina square when we realised how late it was. Caught a pretty late train and got back just before midnight. Mum thankfully forgot to chase me home earlier hahahaha. Slept.

16 dec / today: More sleeping hahahas. Woke up around 4pm and had lunch. Gonna head over to bedok later to collect my specs and borrow some books from the library. Busy week ahead!

Entropy

This is so fucked up.