Every stolen promise

I'm starting to go a little mad trying to understand statistics; too many models with too many properties sighpie. Anyway, I realised something random from having to make multiple calls last week.

What usually happened was
Me: "Hi, good morning."
... pause
Person: "Yes?"

But the rare calls that made me smile went like this
Me: "Hi, good morning."
Person: "Good morning."

Is it that hard to reciprocate a simple greeting? It doesn't hurt to be polite after all.

On other things, I'm getting a little worried about the pace the musical is moving along at. I feel as though we haven't done much for props and sets. Dance is also behind schedule but hopefully we'll be able to finish learning everything.

Also pretty amazed at how I survived having two midterms on one day with really little sleep before that. And considering how recess week went too haha. The marks I lost were either due to not being able to think through the fog in my brain (i.e. careless) or because of working too slowly (which goes back to the foggy problem). So once again, sleep is important :/ And yet I'm still up typing this now hahaha. But yeps, bed time! Tuition lesson tomorrow morning; gosh 3 hours of math... I will not strangle anyone.

But... wow. It's only been three weeks. Somehow it feels like it's been a lot longer. The presence of your absence :/

Good Space

I had an interesting talk with S & S on Monday night about understanding ourselves; learnt stuff I never knew and I ended that day feeling really positive. Then I spent a lot of time this week reading "the virgin suicides" and ended up losing my good vibes. In fact, the book has put me in a really... odd mood. I don't actually know how it affected me. I just read and the more I read the more I started feeling... grey?

Wasn't very productive this week either. Spent time doing a card (which turned out awesome) and decorations; spent more time just getting lost on the internet again. Need to start doing work, deadlines are pouring in. I also realised next semester is going to be a lot more taxing. Need to pull socks up.

Tongue tied

It's strange. When I'm alone and brooding, my thoughts make sense to me. When I try and talk about my thoughts to someone, I can't put it into words.

I realized I think in feelings and not words, ideas and not sentences. I can have a whole conversation with myself in my head and all it'll consist of is a bunch of unnamable feelings and senses and it'll end with a conviction. Which is confusing, because sometimes I think back and I would have the impression that I used a certain word with myself but in actual fact, I just felt something and I now have to search for a word to represent it.

On a side note, I'm typing this with the blogger app on my phone and I really like the font.

On another note, from today onwards things are going to get tough. Which means it's time to toughen up or I'll never get going haha. I'm ready for this. The coming 9 months will fly like the 4 months that have already flown by.

---

A leap of faith is more than just a jump into the unknown. I gotta keep moving forward; if I look back I am lost. 

---

The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it; seems like I've got a pretty big field to irrigate.

Quiet

I haven't been here in awhile but I guess I just wanted to remind myself of what I've learnt in the past few weeks. Most of these lessons actually came from events that have happened/have been happening since some time ago but only occurred to me during this particularly introspective period.

1. Priorities
My most recent philosophy assignment was somewhat tangentially related to the reason for suffering in this world. Actually, it was more related to arguments against evil and the existence of God than anything else, but my personal takeaway was a lot less abstract. I've been resenting the virus running amok on my hands and feet but if everything happens for a reason, then this was probably to show me that I need to start taking better care of this perfectly-able vessel that I walk around in. 4 hours of sleep a day isn't sufficient. Not cleaning my room for weeks isn't an option. If I really want to get better I have to make some changes to the way I live. There's no cure the doctor can prescribe me, I just have to help my body fight the virus out of me.

2. Mirrors
Just because the past two projects I was involved in went well, doesn't mean that I did my job well. It took me awhile but I finally realised that I was pretty incompetent in quite a few areas and the only reason everything still went well was because the rest of the team picked up the slack. Where I failed, they saw and covered for me. I'm extremely grateful for having had the chance to work with a team so much more capable than me. I just wish I had realised this earlier so that I could have thanked them more than I already did. Looking back, there's so much I can learn from every one of them. Every strength I see in them reflects a weakness in me. I really have a lot to learn and improve on.

3. Character
I think this is not the first time I'm having an minor identity crisis. I think I actually have them regularly haha. But the fact that they continue shows how I've yet to work this out. It's not that I don't know who I am; there's just nothing to who I am. I need to figure what's the downstroke in my T. I need to start filling up the blank page that I am.

4. Steer
I've been drifting along wherever life takes me. Opportunities come and go; and that's all that happens. I need to start making decisions and taking action towards what I want to become. My first attempt at this was unsuccessful, and rejection kind of stings, but I guess that just means I need to try harder and more often. I'm a lot more hesitant now that I have a better idea of my inadequacy but I'll just have to find the right place to start learning. It's time to stop mass deleting all those school emails and start clicking on the "sign up" buttons.

I'm going to stop here because it's still recess week after all and I really should get started on work. I'm quite sure there were more things swimming around in my thoughts but I've lost them in the swirling mess that is my mind. I'll put them up here the next time they surface to bother me again.

full circle

I'm not sure why I'm posting now, but today was a pretty great day! Met JJZY (hahaha this sounds like jeeezy) and it was awesome seeing Zinc and Jen again after so long. But Jen doesn't really count since I already met up for lunch with her and Ying in June haha. But yeps, it was a nice way to end the day.

Much better than the way it started haha. I stepped on a thumb tack in the morning as I was getting ready to go to ubi driving centre, got my shoes thoroughly drenched in the rain trying to get to CDC, and ended up failing my driving test with an epic 44 points hahahaha. Seriously, I'm not sure how that happened but I got marked down for the most depressing stuff. I just want to graduate already omg, my instructor and I actually thought I had a decent chance of passing when I had my last lesson. It's really hard to be patient and just keep improving when each lesson is so expensive and travelling to the driving school takes forever from NUS. I guess I'll just need to bear with it for 2 more months work on passing with even the strictest tester and not bank on a little luck.

Reflex

Today was exhausting. At minds cafe I was flinching every time the table was slammed during the game; my nerves were just extra on edge after everything that had happened. Watching The Great Gatsby with Dawn and Qian Wen was a really enjoyable break from having to carry out normal human interactions. The movie was quite thought-provoking as well; it's supposedly not very well made but I liked it. Time to read the book too! And another driving lesson tomorrow, I really can't wait to get this done and over with.

Tired. Bed. Goodnight.

even if it hurts I can't slow down

Another tangle of emotions I need to force out but it's too knotted up with everything else. Not going to try tonight.

A line I can relate to from the book I'm reading: If I look back, I am lost.

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

So much to do this holidays! Driving and FOC... It's tiring but being tired is good. It means I'm actually doing something haha! But still, being productive is so tiring. I hope I get to spend Friday curled up in bed with a book.

Note to self: what I've spent my new holiday freedom doing...
13/05: Driving + Logs meeting
14/05: Shelter + Driving
15/05: Logs sourcing + Iron Man 3 (awesomeeee!)
16/05: Sleep in day hahaha
17/05: Driving + Logs admin
18/05: Logs admin
19/05: Driving + cleared cupboard
20/05: Driving + Logs admin
21/05: Baked cookies + Minds Cafe + FOC meeting

Hmms... Listed out like that it feels as if I haven't been doing much hahaha. I think all the empty time has been spent on online shopping and reading heehee. Anyway, time to get started on some logs admin. So boringggg~ I'll do a proper post to reflect on my first academic year another time hahas.

And I need to find time to start on a knitting project for this summer!

clean slate

Time to stop dwelling on dreams;

and learn to live.

choked

There's this uncomfortable knot of feelings stuck in my chest. A massive tangle of feelings about the end of the first academic year, my poor academic performance, my friendships, the future, the past... everything. And it keeps growing; after every paper more webs of disappointment and bitter-sweet relief weaves itself in and the knot gets bigger. Excitement's there too. The days are counting down.  Fear. There's a lot of fear. I'm so very afraid of this summer and what it means. For everything. So many things. I don't want to study for my Monday paper. I want to sit in a corner, float away and let my subconscious debug itself.